I'll be here forever

chapter 68

I kept seeing their faces. The betrayal. The horror. The fear. I watched over and over in my mind as he crumpled at my feet, and then I saw her, too, watching again and again how limply she fell from my grip, dead next to him.

It was quiet- very quiet. The birds had long since fled, and there was no sound at all, save for the wind shuffling through the leaves. And still, all I could hear was the screaming.

They were screaming. My thoughts. The thoughts of what I'd done, everything I'd done, they raced through my mind, pounding against the sides of my brain. Screaming at me. Screaming, telling me how wrong it was. Wrong. Wrong, its wrong, it's all wrong.

But the urge to do it again was terrifying and overwhelming. It was so easy. So easy. I just wanted to let go, let go of it, let go of everything. I knew if I did it again... the pain would go away. It would all go away.

I wanted that more than anything than I've ever wanted before.

I wanted the pain to go away completely. I wanted the thoughts to stop, for everything to just stop, stop, please.

Please, gods, make it stop.

But they didn't listen to me. My thoughts, they weren't mine. They weren't mine. They didn't listen.

Why won't they stop?

I ran my hands through my hair, pulling on it much too tightly, bringing my knees to my chest. I stared at the ground, which swam and distorted in my vision, blurring as my eyes filled with tears, trying anything, everything. To do what, I don't know. Something.

I tried to breathe, and just couldn't suck a breath into my lungs.

Was this it? Was this my punishment?

Was I going to die here, in the middle of a forest, covered in someone else's blood?

Maybe I deserved to. Maybe it was all for nothing, everything I've done, maybe there was no point.

I deserved to die here.

Hell, I deserved to die way back on that riverbank, a couple of mornings ago.

If you'd died then, both of them would still be alive.

It was a terribly unfortunate shame that I'd made it this far.

Please, for gods sake, just let me die.

I could feel the ambrosia burning a hole in my back pocket, but I didn't take it. I was dying, I know. I'd gone too far. But I felt that it was appropriate, to die here, slowly and painfully. I deserved to.

The people I killed didn't get to keep going, like I am. They didn't get to live the rest of their lives, so why should I? Why do I have that right? Why am I still here?

Why?

And with a start, I remembered why I was doing this in the first place.

Her.

And then she was there, flooding through my mind. While my eyes were closed, I could almost imagine her right next to me, her smile. Her voice, her eyes. Everything about her.

And everything else, the voices that told me that I should die here, that I should give up, they faded to the background. And for just a moment, I could almost hear her saying my name.

That's why you're still here, that's why you're still going. That's why you've done everything that you have. Because you have to get back to her.

Dying is the easy way out, the quick, simple solution. I can't do it. I can't leave her like that. Because even though she's not next to me, she's out there.

I said that I'd do anything to get back to her, and if that meant killing everything in my path, then I'd have to do it. Right now, she didn't have anyone. I had to get back to her. And that meant staying alive long enough to do so.

Because I don't deserve to live, but she doesn't deserve to be alone.

(A/N: I'm sorry for dragging Percy's mental breakdown out so long, I used this particular part as a coping mechanism for my own thoughts. Love you guys <3)