I'll be here forever

chapter 48

Part of me wanted to get far away from that gaping hole. Far away from the blood on the ledge, where I'd scraped my fingers raw, trying to hold us up, and failing. Far away from the heavy feeling in my chest, almost like there were a thousand pounds weighing me down. I wanted to be miles and miles away.

But I couldn't. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave him, not yet.

I wasn't ready to let go.

A small, childish part of me almost expected him to walk out of the woods, smiling, telling me he was fine. And we'd get up, and we'd walk away, and everything would be okay.

I hadn't fully grasped the situation yet, I don't think.

He was gone. He wouldn't be the one I woke up next to in the early morning- I'd wake up alone, the bed cold. He wouldn't be there, next to me, listening intently to me talk about all the things I did know and didn't know and wanted to know. He wouldn't be there anymore.

He'd left me, and now I had nothing.

And then it hit me, like a punch to the gut- I didn't even have a body to bury. There was nothing, nothing left of him, nothing but this stupid ring and this stupid pen and this stupid hole he left inside of me. 

There was no one left. Just me. Just me, and a horse.

Correction; pegasus. She didn't like being called a horse, which I learned pretty early on.

I stood slowly, my legs aching, my fist clenching. Myrine lifted her head off of my lap and watched me in confusion.

How could he just... leave? How could he make me promise to move on with my life? Did he know how much I was suffering because of him? Did he care?

Of course he didn't. He was dead.

I looked down at Riptide, clenched in my hand, my fury building. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me. I'd done nothing to deserve this.

All I wanted was to be happy. Why was that so much to ask for?

And why the hell did he get to go to whatever waited for him in the underworld while I had to stay here, and suffer because of it?

I wound my hand back and threw that stupid pen as hard as I could down that hole, hoping that it'd stab him on its way down. I watched it fall, angrily, whirling through the wind.

I was so mad that I started shaking, hot, angry tears running down my cheeks. I didn't deserve this.

He didn't deserve this.

I felt my anger melt, ebbing away.

It's not like he wanted to leave me. I remembered that flash of fear in his eyes, the regret, the promise to meet me in Long Island that we both knew he wouldn't be able to fulfill.

Myrine stood, coming behind me, a comforting presence. I felt a little strange, being comforted by a horse (pegasus), but I was. I appreciated the company. But I still didn't know what to do with myself- she could never be Percy. No one could.

And the tears kept coming, but they weren't angry anymore. I didn't have any more of that in me.

And then my chest contracted, closing in on itself, squeezing my lungs so hard that I couldn't suck in a breath.

I'd thrown his sword into the hole with him. One of the only things I had left of him- and I'd gotten rid of it. Thrown down to rot in that hole, with whatever was left of my heart. How fucking stupid could I be?

I resisted the urge to dive in after it, instead, I shuddered, digging my nails into my palms. It stung.

"Please," I whispered. I didn't know what I was asking for, begging for. Something, someone to help me. I couldn't do this alone. I couldn't do this without him. Maybe I was asking for the pen back. Maybe I was asking for someone to save him, to bring him back to me. I didn't know. All I knew is I felt utterly, desolately alone.

And then I felt a weight in my back pocket, one that wasn't there a moment earlier.

I froze, hardly dared to hope, holding my breath.

I reached back into my pocket slowly, my fingers closing around the cold metal of the pen.

I sobbed in relief, pulling it out of my pocket, closing both of my hands around it tightly. I held it close to my chest, trying to seek some sort of comfort in it.

But I couldn't. It was just a pen. A sword. A cold piece of metal. The one thing I wanted, the one thing I needed, the one thing I wished I had more than anything else in the world- he was dead.