It's Not All Roses

C-2

Beatrice

I've listen to plenty of therapy sessions. Most of them were about finding a way to cope with difficulties in the most easy and useful way. Some of them said that 'feeling alone in a room filled with people is normal and there are ways to get out of it' but none said what to do when we feel alone in our own skin. It's like my flesh is suddenly some pointy, sharp weapon and it's hurting me, tearing my skin to just get out of it. To be free, to feel the air, to just...be.

Sometimes I feel like picking up a knife and slicing open my skin would make me feel just okay in the least. But then again, it's painful and I faint when I see blood. I would rather eat sushi.

Taking a deep breath in, I open the door to Mr. Blackwell's bedroom. I know this room. I know this house. Perhaps, I know this house more than my own. I think Emery is too into the make-out session that she cannot even look up, hearing the sound of the click from the door. I'm standing in their doorway, watching my future ex-boyfriend discovering my best friend's body. Those arms are under her shirt, those arms which once embraced me, those lips which were on mine just two hours ago. I can hear her soft moans. I can hear him groaning. And all I can think about is one thing.

"Was my pretty face not enough for you, Marcus?" I yelled. They stopped. Two heads turned in my direction. Two heavy breaths fills the room. Marcus's almost black eyes met mine, and I already saw guilt in them. Those eyes that once glowed as they looked at me. Finally after what felt like an eternity, Emery got off Marcus.

I could hear the loud music playing downstairs and for once, I hated it. I hated everything. I stepped in more, only to hear footsteps coming from behind and the sound of the door closing. Four souls. Two drunk. Two sober.

"Or was it my filthy heart?" I couldn't stop.

"Bee," I hear Levi whispering.

"Maybe it's my wide hips." I stated then. I tried. I tried so hard to stop myself from saying this out loud. I had only fantasized about saying this out loud to my Mom when she told me I wasn't enough. Since I never spoke to her much now, I didn't get a chance to. But here I did. Here I felt like a beast who just got out of its cage. Rage crawled in my blood, I didn't feel sad, my heart didn't break. It was only just rage.

They both stood in front of me, Emery's red lipstick completely smeared around her mouth. Marcus' lips swollen. But this time I wasn't the one who kissed it. It was her. Emery fucking Stall. Emery, my one and only friend.

Marcus was the one to open his mouth first. "Bea, I—"

"Are my eyes not green enough for you, babe?" I asked, cutting him off. I felt strong hands wrapping on my arm. My bare arm. The coat.

Shit.

"How long has this been going on?" It was Levi speaking now, his voice trembling. I don't understand why he is crying for Emery.

"Two weeks," Emery said, looking down at her stupid heels, her wavy blond hair messily swaying. And even though she sounded guilty, she didn't look so. It was as if everything with Levi was just a game to her. But she don't know. She don't know what she meant to Levi. Levi who never even wanted a girlfriend until he met her and that's when I realized that he wasn't crying for her.

He was crying for himself. He felt bad for his soul.

I turned my head to face Marcus who was too ashamed to even look at me. His chestnut brown hair, now messy. "And you had the audacity to fuck me. Was I too bad at it?"