It's Not All Roses

C-6

Beatrice

I'm laying down on this clinic bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling dizzy—the effects of the pill, and thinking about someone I shouldn't be thinking right now.

Levi.

It's like I'm a princess and he is knight, always protecting and taking care of me. Only, this knight is doing it not because he has to but because he wants to. And to be honest, it's scaring the living hell out of me.

The next morning after break up, when I was sitting on couch and staring at him, I saw myself. I saw the light in his eyes fade away just like it did for me when Dad died. I saw his heart tearing apart in front of me. I saw his head filling with thoughts he wasn't supposed to think at that time. And I knew what would happen if I simply let him be. I knew that he would stop being happy, I knew he would never smile again, I knew he would never be able to look in the mirror again because when he does, he'll ask himself:

What was my mistake? Where did I mess up?

Even after a hundred therapy sessions, he would still ask himself that. I knew that if I just let him be, he would never come back from what happened.

He loved her.

I don't know if he has ever said her that, but I knew he did love her. He made it so obvious. He did things for he didn't like. He shut a part of himself just so he could be enough for her, just so she stays. He didn't like it when I and Marcus hanged out with them, but he never complained because Emery loved it.

He looked so lost that morning. Like suddenly the whole world is against him and he doesn't know how to fight back.

Levi was sensitive.

There were times when Emery called him a loser as a joke. We all laughed. Levi did too. But it was just a show. Inside, I knew it hurt him.

So, I watched him for a week after that morning. I made sure he wouldn't know. I saw how he lived for a week. And it was just like how I imagined: Crumbling. I knew Levi wanted an explanation for what happened. I knew that more than anyone did but I noticed that he didn't try. That whole week, Levi didn't try to talk to Emery. He didn't asked her the explanation he needed. That's when I realized that he was already gone inside.

But then he did. He couldn't ignore the fact that she had left. He was in love after all.

I heard their conversation intentionally. When Emery said there was no specific reason for what she did, all I could was to pick up one of those flower pots and slam it onto her head. After she left, Levi stood there and cried for a while. And I watched him cry. I thought about how I was when Dad died. I knew that if I didn't do something he would be like me and being like me was one of the worst thing that could possibly happen to him.

It's not that easy to survive.

That's when I decided to stay with him. Not as a friend. But annoying him felt like a good idea. I thought that maybe if I be my true self—which is annoying—with him, he would at least be okay.

Just like Emery made me laugh for the first time cracking non-humored jokes (I laughed at the fact that I didn't laugh), I decided to just make him feel alive. Which is why I asked him to buy me dinner later that day. And then I made reasons to talk to him. He would text me. We facetimed. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We laughed together. And the whole time, I wished that I could make him forget a person named Emery Stall existed. I don't if I succeeded but I hoped I did.

And now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that all these thing might lead to something else entirely.

I catch him staring at me when I'm not looking but I pretend like I didn't do. He yells at the school staff for me. I'm thinking what all he would do for me if I let him. I know I should stop before it gets hard to leave but selfishly I can't. I don't want to stop this. I like him taking care of me. I like the way he looks at me like I'm something so precious. I like the fact that I make him laugh.