It's Not All Roses

C-12

Beatrice

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop—

"Listen to me, sweetheart, please," I hear Levi's deep voice whispering to me, stroking my hair. It's supposed to make feel soothing but it doesn't. It's making me brutal. It's making me too vulnerable in front of him and I don't want him to see this side of me.

The—the maniac side of me.

I open my mouth to say things my head is making me to but the words are stuck in my throat. I keep trying but nothing comes out; just my heavy sobs that I spill to his chest. My entire body is shaking like I am standing in snow, bare.

"I'm afraid, Bee." Levi finally said, breaking the silence.

It's fine, Levi. I'm afraid of myself too.

"I'm afraid that if I say something, you'll leave me and I—Bee, I don't have any intention of leaving you again," His voice breaks, a considerable amount of pain filled in them. "I'm afraid that if I let you be, you will leave me. I'm afraid that if you leave me now, I'll never be okay again. And I know, It's very much selfish of me for wanting—for wanting something impossible. I know you hate me to your very core but please—Just please, stay. You don't have to forgive me, you don't have to smile at me, you can yell at me all you want, you can hit me with all your might, but please," He took a deep breath in. "Please don't leave me," He begged, exhaling.

But Levi didn't know.

Levi didn't know that while my heart kept blabbering about how much I adored him, cared for him, my head spoke the words. My head spilled all the hateful and brutal things to him; when all I ever wanted was to just keep him close and never leave. I don't know what's wrong with me but I do that something is wrong with me.

When I found my voice back, I said, "I wanted to hurt you," It's the truth. When I saw that tattoo of his, like a sudden shock, my head twisted and I no longer wanted to stay in the same room as him. When I looked at him, I didn't see the sweet Levi. I saw him as a prey. And I, myself, felt like a vicious animal at the moment. All I could think of was the fact that I too got a tattoo. Something that was related to him and it showed how weak I was. How being without Levi had affected me. How I had forgiven him but just couldn't talk because I was afraid.

"Take me in, Levi," I said, not wanting to give a show for the people snooping through their windows. I bet they think we're breaking up.

Guess what neighbours? I feel just like that.

I should've never came back in the first place.

Levi picked me up, I wrapped both my arms and legs around his neck and waist. Resting my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes and cried. It was the only way to let this feeling out so I did just that. I cried and cried and cried, whilst he stroked my hair.

I don't think I'm seventeen. I feel like a child. A child who is hopeless. A child who is afraid. A child who don't like to be seen. A child who lost her Dad. A Dad who was always there, always kept checking on his daughter, always complimented in the way how hideous yet beautiful his daughter looked, always appreciated in the little things she did for him. All until one day, that Dad decided to kill himself without a reason, without leaving a letter. And took his daughters happiness to his grave with like he owned it.

He simply forgot his daughter.

And then there is the daughter. A daughter who relayed on her father too much that when he left, no one was ever enough for her. No one.

I didn't realize we had reached until I heard the noise of door clicking. I still didn't open my eyes as I heard the bed shifting and Levi propping himself down. He began stroking on my back, trying to make me feel comfortable.