It's Not All Roses

C-15

Beatrice

By the time we reached back home, everybody had left, leaving the house as dirty as they could. We were both too tired to clean the house and arrange the mountain of gifts. David left a letter saying he was staying over at Victoria's tonight.

Even though I said Levi that I'm not hungry, he still stuffed big spoons of my birthday which he cut. He says my bones don't look pretty on top of my skin and then kissed my cheek. I didn't get offended just because I know he wants me to eat.

When we went to bed and the lights were off, Levi told me about his Mom. He told me how he found out Cameron Peterson was his Mom. He found her pictures in his Dad's bed. It was all in a box. Levi said he saw his had burning them in the backyard of his house later that day. He said when he googled her and looked closely at the famouse model, he saw that he got his eyes from here. They were the same.

When he said he hated that, I hugged him closer and told him ten thousand metaphores about his eyes being different from hers. He kissed me and we slept off.

Next morning, I woke up with a kiss on my forehead. I didn't leave my grip on Levi even when he said that he wanted to go workout. He hummed a song, stroking my hair whilst I nuzzled into his neck. And I knew that I had no right, I didn't deserve this...comfortability. I also knew that only Levi would accept me this way. That even after all the shit I did to him, he was always there and I think that some part of me always knew it.

I just didn't want to accept it.

I didn't want him to stay with me.

I didn't want anyone with me.

Even though I know it was his decision to stay with me, I knew myself to hurt him.

And I'm a worthless person. I'm a disaster. I'm nothing but destruction.

I know that just me being there beside him was enough for him to survive. I knew what I meant to Levi.

I felt it in my bones. I felt it when he looked me in the eye. I felt it when his skin met mine. I felt it when he was inside of me. I felt it every second of the time he was with me. I am not saying that he doesn't mean anything to me.

He does.

He's the only person I care.

But I don't want him to cry for me. I don't want him to be in pain because I am in pain.

I am ready to share everything with him but not my pain.

I, myself, can't handle it sometimes. I can't handle myself the way I think. I think that I'm okay after some time when the truth is the...chaos simply just stopped temporarily. It comes back and it goes on for weeks and all I can ever feel is overwhelmed. It's a behaviour of mainiac.

I don't think it will ever stop.

I want Levi to be happy...but I know I can't—

"How about you watch me working out?" Levi's drowsy voice pulls me back from my thought, almost making me shrug. I shifted even closer to him. His hand pulled me to his side, rolling me and I landed on his hard chest, my face going deeper into his neck. He slipped his hand under my clothes—his hoodie and rubbed my back. "Are you okay, Bee?"

Alway reassuring.

"Mmm-hm,"

"Are you excited to open your gifts?" He kissed the side on my head.

"Yes," No.

"Did you like my gift?" He dropped his head to kiss my shoulder.

More than anything. "I loved it,"