It's Not All Roses

C-8

Beatrice

I think something is wrong with me.

It's been a while since I have started to see things. Things that are not real. Like I sometimes see Dad sitting at the edge of my bed, talking to me. If feels so real but once I reach for him, my hand goes through him. I sometimes feel him stroking my hair and smiling but as I come to touch his hand, I don't feel it. Sometimes I see Levi opening my door and walking in, laughing. I laughed with him because it looked so real. I see him, throwing his hand in the air, talking, laughing, smiling at me. But as though someone hit me on the head, he disappears. And everything I see disappears.

I know it's not normal.

Sometimes I'm over excited for small things. Like most of the days after school, my heart suddenly feel like I'm in heaven. The next thing I know is, me howling and clapping when waiting for Levi, Noah, and Adam, sitting on the bleachers watching them play. Sometimes just getting a text from Brandon makes me overwhelmingly happy.

But sometimes seeing their faces makes me angry. Seeing Levi's face makes me gloomy. Seeing my Mom's face makes me think of what her husband did to me. I ignore Brandon's texts some days. Sometimes I just want to scream because I'm angry. Angry at nothing.

I'm scared.

Today I'm feeling alright.

I'm getting dresses to go to Adam's house for the Halloween Party. For the first time, I'm wearing something that matches. White mini skirt that has a small split on the side, and white cropped tank top that has a small blue butterfly pattern stuck on it. Since I'm wearing that big ass white cloth on top of me, I don't want to look colorful in the pictures Noah is going to click. I'm excited to be in the picture, to be honest.

I brush my hair and put it into a ponytail. I paint my nails white and wait for them to dry. Once they're done, I grab my mint shaded overcoat, my black clutch, and the white cloth. I look in the mirror at myself and I—

My heart is beating in my ears, my stomach turning into knots. This what I was talking about. I can see my Dad, standing right behind me but I can't feel him. He is smiling at me. His familiar forest eyes is hollow and dead, his raven hair is turned into white locks. He raised his hand and now is stroking my hair. My palms sweat and I dropped everything down, feeling my heart clench in my chest. My breaths are getting heavier and short.

I can't breathe.

Tears pool in my eyes. I don't want to look back, I don't want him to disappear. I don't want him to stop stroking my hair even though I cannot feel it. It's aching. I bring my hands to my heart and tighten my fingers on my chest, feeling the throbbing pain.

"D-Dad?" I stutter.

He spoke to me before when he came.

"Dad c-can you h-hear me?" My voice breaks, my anxiety growing.

He doesn't respond.

I don't want to blink. What if he disappears? My tears won't stop. My palms won't stop sweating. My heart won't stop aching.

But then I blink. And he's gone.

I fall to my knees, my hands still at my chest, my eyes staring at the floor. My head is messing with me and I want it to stop. Him leaving me was enough of a punishment for my mistakes. But this, seeing him but not feeling his presence is terrible. It's frightening me, making me think of the worst possibilities that can happen to me.

What if I'm crazy?

I look up again, seeing myself in the mirror again. My cheeks are tinted, my lips dry, my mouth slightly parted, trying to take steady breaths, and when I looked into my own eyes, I saw how the light in to has faded away, how dead and hurt it is. They weren't lying when they said eyes never lie.