Our Beating Hearts

5

CRYSTAL IS NOT AT SCHOOL ON Friday, and she's not replying to my texts.

"That's sort of weird, right?" I say to Sierra at lunch. We're the first two at the table. "Is something up with her?"

"With Crystal?" She bites her lip. I have the distinct impression that she's avoiding my eyes.

"What, is she mad at me or something?"

"No, it's not that." Sierra pauses. "I think she's processing things."

"What are you talking about?"

She looks up at me, finally. "She didn't tell you?"

"Uh, she's not returning my texts, so."

"Yeah." She leans back in her chair. "Well. She heard from Sydney last night."

"The school?"

Sierra nods, and something in her expression makes my heart sink.

"She didn't get in," I say quietly.

"Nope."

"Was she wait-listed?"

"No."

"You're kidding me."

Anna shakes her head.

"But she's a legacy."

"I know."

"She must be devastated." I blink. "How could she not get in?"

"I don't know. It's messed up." Anna sighs and tugs the ends of her hair.

"Maybe her SAT scores? I know she retook it a few times. I feel so awful. I think she's in shock. And her parents just lost it. Like, they're calling the school, withdrawing their donations. I don't even know."

"Jesus."

"I'm going over there after school," Sierra says.

I nod. "I'll go with you."

"Yeah." She pauses. "I don't know if that's . . ."

"She doesn't want to see me?"

Anna doesn't respond.

I flush. "Did she say that?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I'm so sorry, Ashton. Ugh. This is so awkward."

"Whatever. It's fine." I stand abruptly. "I'm gonna eat in the courtyard."

"She's just upset right now. You can't take this personally."

Okay, I hate when people say that. You can't take this personally. It's not personal, Ashton. Crystal's skipping school to avoid me, but it's totally not personal. God. I know I should be sympathetic, and I know I'm a jerk, but it just hurts.

"Ashton, it's not about you. She's just disappointed," Sierra says. "And probably embarrassed."

"I know that." It comes out louder than I mean it to, and a couple of freshmen turn to stare at us. I lower my voice. "I know it's not about me."

"Well, good. It's not."

"I just want to be there for her, you know? I want to make it better."

Sierra leans forward. "Yeah, I just don't think you can make it better. You know? It's obviously not your fault that you got in and she didn't, and she knows that, but it's still going to feel like you're rubbing it in her face."

"I'm not going to rub it in her face."

"I know you're not," Sierra says slowly. "Not intentionally. But don't you see how it would feel like that?"

My cheeks burn. "It's fine. I'll give her space."

Sierra taps her toe against mine. "I know you're worried about her. I'll make sure she's okay."

I shrug. "Do whatever you want."

So, now everything's off-kilter. I feel heartless, not texting Crystal-though Sierra made it pretty clear that I shouldn't. But all through class, I can't stop picturing Crystal holed up in her house, surrounded by pictures of bulldogs. Red and black everywhere. She must be losing her mind. I think I know how she's feeling. I mean, I've never been rejected from a school. But I know what it's like to not be good enough, in some bone-deep fundamental way.

Not that I'm making this about me. For example, I haven't given a shred of attention to the upcoming campus tour and whether Calum might still want to go with me.

"Ashton," Luke hisses, poking me.

I snap back to earth. Ms. Livingstone is giving me a Look. "I assume you're deep in thought about the French Revolution, Mr. Irwin. Care to weigh in?"

My cheeks burn. "Yes. I'm. Um."

Oh God. Ms. Livingstone can smell the bullshit. Why yes, I'd like to weigh in. About the French Revolution. Not about road tripping to Sydney with Calum Hood. Not that I'm considering road tripping to Sydney with Calum Hood.

"Thomas Jefferson helped the Marquis de Lafayette draft a declaration," Sierra blurts.

"Ms. Deaton, memorizing the Hamilton soundtrack is not going to save you on the AP Euro exam."

A bunch of people snicker. Ms. Livingstone shakes her head and calls on someone else. So, I kick Sierra's foot, and when she looks behind her, I smile. "Thanks."

"No prob." She smiles back.