Our Beating Hearts

22

SiERRA TEXTS ME BEFORE I even get to my car. Can you come to Waffle House? Like right now?

I write back immediately. Eerily perfect timing. Just stepping out of Starbucks. I almost wonder if she knew. Waffle House is so close, I could actually walk there.

Oh, awesome-we're in the back, come find us!

My stomach drops. Us?

Me and Jenny, he replies.

Fuck. Fuckstravaganza.

God, the thought of facing Jennifer right now. I don't even know how I'll look him in the eye. What if he just knows? What if he can read it on my face? Guess what, Jennifer! Guess what I did! With your ex-boyfriend! Who you're still in love with!

Like, this isn't some minor fuckup. This is a straight-up friend felony.

I stare at the screen of my phone, wondering how I can possibly wriggle out of this. Maybe now's the time for one of those fictional diarrhea attacks Michael's so strangely fond of.

Or not. I don't know. I guess I'll have to face Jennifer eventually.

I can be there in five, I write back.

You're the best, Sierra writes.

It's so warm and breezy out that I think I actually will walk. Might as well leave my car in the gentlemen's club parking lot. Wouldn't be the first time a car parked there for hours.

When I get there, they're slumped on opposite sides of a booth, picking at a single shared waffle. It's a sad fucking scene. "Hey," I say, sliding in next to Sierra.

Jennifer perks up. "Hey! Welcome back. How was your road trip?"

My heart twists when she says it. Maybe one day the phrase road trip won't remind me of Calum. I tuck my legs up, cross-legged on the seat, and press my lips together. "It was good."

"Good." She nods quickly. "Hey, so, I was wondering . . ."

"Here we go," Sierra murmurs.

A waiter appears, and I order a waffle and vanilla iced coffee. All business. But as soon as he leaves, Jennifer launches right in. "How was Calum? Like, was he sort of okay, or-I mean, I don't know. Was he acting weird?"

Shit.

"He seemed . . ."

"Like, was he crying?"

"Um. A little bit?"

I mean, it's true. He cried a little bit. Right after I called him out. Which was right after he kissed me.

"Whoa. Okay." Jennifer's eyes widen. "That's . . . okay, good to know."

I leap frantically toward a subject change. "So, how was your trip?"

"It was great," Sierra says. There's this catch in her voice.

But before I can ask her what's wrong, Jenny's off and running again. "I just miss him, you know? Like, we haven't talked for a week. I keep almost calling him. It's completely automatic. I just. Ugh." She rubs her forehead. "This was a mistake, right? We shouldn't have broken up."

"Well," Sierra says carefully. "He broke up with you."

It's like Jennifer doesn't even hear her. "I should have fought for him." Her voice quivers. "He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I just let him go. What was I thinking?"

Sierra shoots me a glance.

"I mean, you didn't do anything wrong," I say finally.

"I just didn't fight hard enough." She shakes her head. "I should have applied to Sydney."

"But you love Tuffs," says Sierra.

"I love Calum."

I feel almost dizzy. I can't quite line my thoughts up. All I know is this: Jennifer loves Cal. I kissed Calum. And if she knew, I don't think she'd ever be okay. She would never recover.

"Wait." She peers at me suddenly. "Did he hook up with someone?"

"What?"

"He did, didn't he?"

"Jennifer." Sierra sighs.

"Just tell me." She leans forward. "Who was it-some random girl?"

"Um."

"Fuck. I knew it." He leans back in the booth. "Shit. I can't believe this."

I swear to God, I might die. My stomach's twisting in twenty directions. I don't think I could speak if I tried.

"Come on." Sierra turns to me. "Calum wouldn't do that. He didn't hook up with a random girl. Right, Ashy?"

I nod slowly. It's weird. Everyone always calls me Ashy or Ashton but Calum calls me Ash. Dammit. Now I'm thinking about him again.

"See? Everything's going to be fine." Sierra leans her chin onto her hand. "It's just been a confusing week."

"Oh?" I say.

Sierra sits there, nodding, while Jennifer stares vacantly into space.

"Sierra?"

"Mmhmm?"

I don't know what to do with Sierra when she gets like this. Sometimes I get the vibe she wants me to read her mind. Like she's sitting there, trying to pour her thoughts directly into my brain, so she won't have to say them out loud.