Our Beating Hearts

20 ;)

MY WHOLE BRAIN SHORT-CIRCUITS. I just stare at him, speechless.

"If you want to," he adds, pressing his lips together.

"Do you want to?"

He nods, smiling faintly.

"Really?"

"Aren't you curious?"

"I don't know." My heart won't stop skittering. I've never kissed a guy before. I've spent so many hours worrying about that. Like, I'm going to mess this up. I know I will. I'll be sloppy or wet or too passive or too eager.

Calum laughs under his breath. "Ash, relax."

"I am. I'm just-"

All of a sudden, his lips are on mine. And I'm being pulled onto his lap.

Holy shit.

This is real. I'm kissing a person, and that person is Calum. It doesn't compute.

But his hand wraps around my throat, slipping his tongue into my mouth. A million details hit me at once. The way my lips move against his. He tastes like fruit punch and vodka. I can't believe this is happening. I lace my hands behind his neck, and-God. What the fuck am I doing? I don't like Calum. I can't like Calum, and I definitely can't kiss Calum. I don't even want to kiss him. Okay, maybe I used to want to. But that was barely anything. A month out of my life, ages, and ages ago. It's buried. It's done. And I can't-Wow. My heart won't stop pounding. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Because maybe it wasn't ages ago.

Maybe it's now.

Maybe it's always.

It's like a lamp flickering inside my chest. In my throat. Below my stomach. I don't know how to explain this. I don't think my brain's working.

Calum pulls back from the kiss, sinking into the couch cushions. He seems flustered, almost breathless.

For a moment, we just stare at each other.

Then he laughs and says, "We're pretty good at this for two straight boys."

"I'm not straight."

He freezes. "Wait . . . really?"

The air leaks from my lungs. He knows I'm not straight, doesn't he? I get up off his lap.

"Ashton

"Don't."

"Sorry," he says quietly, eyes sliding shut. "I-I had no idea."

"Yeah, well." I shrug. Like it's whatever. Like I could care less.

Except suddenly, I'm so angry, I'm shaking. "God, Calum how dense are you? Seriously? I draw a picture where we're practically on top of each other, and it didn't occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I might actually like you?"

He shakes his head. "I didn't-"

"And then you're like, oh, I have a secret, I'm so nervous. How was I supposed to interpret that? But it's not like it matters, because ta-da! Here's Jennifer. And now you're flirting with her. And now you're dating her. And then the minute you're single, there you are, hardcore flirting with me again. But of course, it doesn't mean anything, because you're so fucking, hetero. And then you kiss me?" My voice breaks. "That was my first kiss with a guy, Cal."

His face crumples. "I'm sorry."

"I don't care." I squeeze my eyes shut. "I don't even care. Just don't fuck with my head. Please."

"I didn't mean to."

"Then why did you just kiss me?"

"Because I wanted to," he says. "And I wanted to at Michael's house."