Taint Me More ☑️

Chapter Twelve

"Papa" I whispered shakily as I stared at my father, still doubting that he was really standing right in front of me. He'd changed a lot since I last saw him, I almost didn't recognize him, but it was him.

Many years ago, after we moved to Portland, he went from being present every day—he'd come home late from work most days but he was still present—to just being around only during the weekends. Later, he was home only during birthdays and other celebrations, suddenly, he just disappeared from our lives.

I was happy to see him, I wanted to run up to him and hug him tightly, tell him how much I missed him. But then the happiness turned into sadness, the sadness I felt when I discovered all those years ago that I may not see him again. The sadness I felt while I tried to console Oriana when she cried for him all those years ago.

"Oh Ila, my little peanut. I've been looking forward to when I'd see you again" he said, stepping slowly towards me. I wanted to run into his arms and just cry.

But I decided against it as my sadness turned into anger.

I shook my head and took a step back. "No," I whispered, still in doubt.
"No, you're lying" I snarled.

"What? No, Ila. I could never lie about that, not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you and your sister." He said with agony lacing his voice. "I know I should have been there for you, for Oriana and I'm sorry..."

"Don't speak her name. You and mother don't deserve to say her name" I barked, cutting him off. My throat tightened as I spoke and I tried to hold myself back from crying.

"Don't be like that, Ilaria" he warned.

"Like what, huh? Angry?" I snapped. "You left us! You cut off all contact with us and at a point, we started to think you were dead because each time we asked mother about you, you know what she told us?" I asked, not expecting a reply, "she said you were dead to her. Try saying that to two little girls and watch how literally they'd take that response. I started to make it up in my mind that you were actually dead, until I was old enough to understand what she meant."

He shook his head and I eyed him. He looked a lot older than I remembered. His once brown and thick curly hair was now thinner and scattered with whites and he had a full beard that was also graying. I used to think he had beautiful hair, it was one of his many features Oriana got from him, I used to be jealous of her brown voluminous curls. He was no longer as buff as I'd remembered him to be, he now looked old and frail.

"You left us in the hands of Bob, her miserable new husband. She was never home, she was always buried in her police duties. All she cared about was her damned reputation. Oriana is dead because of the both of you" I bellowed that last part and I started to tremble.
"So no, you can't just show up after so many years and lie that you've been thinking about us, because where were you when you heard of Oriana's death? If you had been around, maybe things would have turned out differently."

He was quiet, swaying slightly on his feet and he looked like he was fighting back tears like I was.

"Where were you?!" I screamed at him, not caring about the people within earshot. I was crying now and I swore it wasn't the reunion I'd imagined. Everything was a lot different and much more painful. All the emotions I'd been bottling up for five years came bursting through the thick walls I built up.

"I... I did. I came back when I heard the news, Ila but when I got to Portland, your mother told me you were long gone and she wouldn't tell me where. I searched for you Ila, I did." He lamented.

I shook my head, still in disbelief. I wasn't exactly sure what I was feeling anymore.

"And how did you find me now?" I asked.