Taint Me More ☑️

Chapter Twenty one

The purpose of our lives is to be happy.

I remembered when these words were what kept me going when I thought my life had no purpose. The worst feeling a person could ever underestimate is the feeling of loneliness, the feeling that no one is there to comfort you when you feel down. The feeling of not knowing someone will look at your demeanour and notice something is off with you. And most of all, the feeling of searching for happiness all the days of your life and never truly finding it, no matter where you looked.

When I first moved to New York, I felt like all my problems from before were over, I felt I could finally get a degree and get a good job and be happy with my achievement but I guess I never truly took those achievements as actual achievements because they were forced on me by my mother. A scheme to get me and the entire city of Portland to forget a huge blunder. Out of sight meant out of mind!

The tiniest shred of happiness that I'd felt since I moved away from Portland was all thanks to Gabby and her acceptance, then my job at the museum, and finally Aaron. I'd added Aaron into that list since the day he took me to that paint bar, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, he had become a huge part of me, a huge part of the little happiness that I could call mine. This was the very reason I found myself parked in front of his apartment by that time of the night.

I didn't know why I'd come here, of all places I didn't even know if he was home, although I didn't care to check. There was an unexplainable pull towards him. I had this weird fantasy that he and only he could magically make all my fears and worries disappear, even though I was too scared to let him in. I didn't choose Brian or my dad to comfort me. I wanted Aaron.

I put the car in park, but I didn't step out. I didn't move, I just sat there, staring at his front door. I wondered if he was in there, and if he was, what was he doing? Would he be happy to see me if I walked up there and I rang his doorbell?

What would he think of my appearance?
So many questions tugged at my mind.

I didn't know how much time went by with me just staring at his door, wishing I had the courage to walk up to him and beg him to take away all my fears and worries in anyway he could. I tried to gather myself together, acknowledging myself for winning the battle against my mind, the anxiety and fear.

I put the car in drive, I hit the gas and drove back to my apartment to face the demons that I had now silenced. I succeeded in distracting my mind the rest of the night. I cleaned up the blood on the floor and on me, it was hard to fall asleep, so I busied my mind and body, drowning myself in work.

The next day came and went quickly, it started with me leaving the apartment by the crack of dawn and going to the hospital. Gabby explained Heather's case. Fortunately, she had just grazed an artery and not damaged it, no damaged nerves either. Heather woke up avoiding any conversation about the previous night, she even swore that she was fine, we knew she was lying but we didn't press further. We just knew not to leave her side till we were sure she was okay, we hoped she'd be okay. It was thanks to Adrian spending time with her and cheering her up.

Matters about her seeing a shrink regularly was to be discussed when she was ready. I suggested that Heather got a healthy distraction, something that would busy her mind and body, so she decided to start going to the gym with Gabby, just to pass time during the winter break. It was one of the best decisions we made as a team.

I'd begun taking every day as they came, trying to ignore anything that would stress my mind, including the thoughts of where things stood between me and Aaron.

His fiancé had walked up to my cubicle during working hour and conversed casually with me.

"The reports are coming in a little slower than expected, is something bothering you?" Andrea asked me as she leaned against my desk.