The Bends - JJ x Kiara

Submerged

•
(JJ)

One pill turned into two.
Two turned into three.
I swallowed them like candy. They were smooth going down my throat.
They didn't taste any good though.
But they made the pain numb itself out for a while.
They made me feel like I was flying.
On a fucking RAINBOW.
And somehow, I ended up in a some girl's bed I didn't even know.
I didn't even ask for her name.
She had a pretty face, though. Cute features. Her hair looked shiny.
But my hips were sore. My body ached from too much stimulation.
And I was still hard.
Fuck.
My d!ck was literally throbbing. It had a fucking heartbeat??
I quickly got out of there. Shimmied myself into my boxers and swimming trunks. Booked it.
Hopefully she wouldn't remember me. Hopefully, she'd think she was having some amazing erotic dream about me fucking her over and over.
My eyes felt heavy. I felt heavy.
As I returned to John b's, I reached for my stash. I kept some of my goodies safely tucked away in the cushions of my buddy's couch.
Some of the coke had spilled. Didn't care.
Before I knew it, I was using one finger to clog my right nostril, and I began inhaling through my left.
I began to sneeze super aggressively. Shit, I didn't want to waste anything!

When I tried to gaze at myself in the mirror, I just wasn't able to. I looked like a fucking retired porn actor.
My eye bags were more prominent than ever. They were purple and swollen.
The hickeys had faded slightly; but not the slashes on my arms.
I hate it here. I want to smoke so bad.
I want my brain to fucking explode. I can't do this anymore, man.
I can't live like this anymore.
I miss being happy. God, I miss it so bad.
I missed being able to smile; I don't remember the last time I did so.

I had come to the realization that the end of the beer bottle wasn't enough.

...

My breath was hitching in my throat. Every breath I drew in, felt shaky.
Was I dying?
The gun lay silently in my hand.
My head felt like it was being split apart.
My cuts and bruises started to burn.

I began to think of John b.
I remember getting in the van. I put my legs up on the dashboard. He had just found a compass; titled "Redfield".
We had the radio blasting. Windows down. Warm air blowing through our locks of hair.

"Look, dude, I just don't understand why you don't even TRY with Kiara. She clearly likes you."

Why did I fucking say that?
Why am I so goddamn dumb?
I saw the way John b looked at her. He wanted her.
So I let him.
Even though it hurt like a bitch,
I let him.
I would stand by and watch, as they would hug and embrace each other.

It broke me.
But anything to keep my buddy happy.
He didn't even realize I liked Kiara. And he never got to know. I never got to tell him.
He had Sarah after that. So he wouldn't have cared.

My eyes started feeling hot and tingly. My vision started to blur.
"Fuck. Fuck this."
Before I knew it, I was bawling. Shaking. Fucking sobbing alone on the couch, holding myself. Trying to keep my limbs from falling off. Breaking apart. Bones cracking.
The tears wouldn't stop. They flowed faster than my piss out of my d!ck. Does that make sense?
I hate this.
My eyes began to sting. Burn.
Was I on fire?
I started hiccuping. Really, fucking obnoxiously loud.
I was retching. I hadn't cried this much. Ever.
Well, not since that run through with Dad. Shortly before I bought that dumb fucking hot tub.
That's when the thoughts started.
Thoughts that consumed me. Ate me up.
Made me feel like I shouldn't be here. I didn't matter.

None of this shit mattered.
John b was gone. Pope and Kiara would be better off without me.
My Dad probably wouldn't give two fucks if I wound up dead in a ditch somewhere.
No one would give a shit.
My knees were weak as I tried to get up.
Blood ran down my forehead. I don't know how it got there.
I could hear my heart beat in my ear.