the strongest avenger (2)

twenty three

I freeze for a second, but then I throw the towel onto a nearby armchair. He's changed his clothes, but looks to be in need of a shower.

"May dusted. MJ and Ned too, so they're probably back by now." I say while leaning against the door frame.

His head tilts to the side as he looks at me, assesses me. "I don't like how I can't feel you anymore...I used to know how you were feeling but now, there's nothing."

"Sorry..."

"Why are you acting like this, Tal?"

"Acting like what?"

"Like—like we haven't been together for over a year. Like you don't even care about me."

I sigh and look away. "We were together Pete, but—"

"Were? As in, not anymore?" He nods his head a little fast, as if trying to grasp the concept. "Is it Steve? I saw him...saw the way he looks at you."

"Its not Steve. You have to under—"

"Then what is it? Why aren't you acting like my Tallie? Where did you go?"

"Look, I know you're upset—"

"Yes I'm upset! The girl I've been in love with since I met, is acting like we're not even friends!"

I suck in a shaky breath, and watch as he realizes what he said.

"Pete, I love you—loved you. But I need to let you go."

"No! Fuck that Tal! That's bullshit and you know it!" I see the shine of tears in his eyes as he pushes up off the bed and starts pacing.

"You don't get it. You are 17, and I am not. I aged." I inhale a wavering breath. "You died. I watched you die, and I cried and I yelled and I screamed. I watched you turn to dust, didn't even get to have a funeral, and then I went home to find our friends dead, MJ, Ned and May dead too. I lost a part of myself that day, and I don't know if I'll get it back."

He starts shaking his head sideways. "No, it isn't fair. I saw you yesterday! Yesterday!"

"No you didn't!" I yell back, my temper getting the best of me. "It was five years Pete! Five! How do you not get that? I had to let you go, otherwise I would've died. So, I'm sorry, that I can't be with you. I'm sorry that I didn't turn to dust with you. I'm not the same girl you fell in love with, I'm different now, and I'm sorry."

He just stops and stares at me, silent tears running down his cheeks. "But we can still be together." He whispers.

"No, we can't. You deserve someone better, someone who can make you happy."

"I can wait, I'm 18 this summer!"

"Pete, I just can't. I'm still messed up, and I won't do that to you."

His lip quivers slightly. "It's Steve isn't it? You two all cuddly and cozy now? Just throw the boyfriend to the side, yeah? Just go and sleep with him and forget about me?"

I stride forward at his words and poke him in the chest. "You died. Ned died. MJ died. Tony had Pepper and then had a baby. Bruce left. Thor left. Nat left. He was the only one there for me. So yes, we fucked around, cause it was the only way to bring something good. I had no one, but him. I lost myself, and I'm still trying to find me. I am sorry, Pete. For you it was a day or two, but for me it was the longest five years of my life."

I back up slightly, as he searches my eyes, my face for something. And then he abruptly pulls me towards him and crashes his lips against mine.

He holds me there as I'm frozen, but then I shove him back.

"No, Pete."

"You—you didn't feel anything?" He half whispers.

My heart clenches as I look away. "No. Please get out."

I flinch as he slams the door shut, leaving me alone once again.

I wait a few seconds to make sure he's left the building, and then I rush out of my room and into the elevator, going up to the roof.

It opens up and the brisk wind hits me, as I stride over to the railing and crumble to the ground. Tears run down my cheeks as I sob, my body shaking.

He just doesn't get it, he doesn't understand. I had to let him go, and as much as that hurt me, it was necessary.

I'm damaged, and I can't bring that onto him. He's still in school and I know he wants to go to college, I just can't.

Eventually, my eyes dry up and I sit there, looking through the openings between the rails at the New York skyline.

It was years ago, when I was here with Ned and Peter, looking over as the sun rose.

I jerk around as I hear some shuffling behind me, resisting the urge to groan as none other than Bucky Barnes stands there.

"How much of that did you see?" I ask with a hoarse voice while wiping my tears.

"Mmm, all of it. We won, why the hell are you crying?"

"It's complicated."

"I got time, I also happen to be a good listener."

I shake my head, but then wipe away the rest of my tears and stand up.

"Remember...when I told you I had a friend named Peter? That time I talked with Shuri?"

I see him nod yes from where he comes over and stands next to me.

"We were dating, and then he dusted. And so, I let him go over the past couple of years. Otherwise, it would've eaten me alive."

"He didn't take it well did he?"

"Nope. Which was to be expected. I just thought—thought that he would understand. Maybe he will later...why were you up here?"

"Just wanted some fresh air...and quiet."

"Well, sorry the latter didn't work out."

"I probably won't ever get any quiet now, too many people in the house."

"It'll be different. When I used to live here, it was around Berlin, it went from people always being here to no one." I sigh and pull my hair back into a low ponytail. "I'm gonna head down and get some sleep. I'll leave you to your quiet."

I start to head back towards the elevator but stop when James starts to speak again.

"I think he'll come around."

"I hope so."