the strongest avenger (2)

ninety three

I wake as the sun comes up, the orange hue casting a glow on my bedroom. I fell asleep for maybe a few hours at the most. James is currently curled up in a ball, facing away from me.

He moves a lot in his sleep regardless of nightmares.

I slide out of bed and tip toe towards my closet, finding a large hoodie to put on. I stuff my feet in my slippers and pad over towards my balcony, sliding open the door and walking out. I'm hit with the frigid November air, I can't believe it's almost December. Everything has gone by so fast.

The view from my room is of our "backyard". More so just a bunch of acres of land, a forest in the distance. Sometimes Wanda and I will train out here on the lawn, though.

Thinking back to last night, part of me is a little...self conscious? Only because I showed James my literal deepest darkest secrets. Not really a secret, but more so what happened when I was a kid. I barely ever talk about that stuff, and I sure as hell don't show people. But...he needed to know that I trust him, that I'm not mad at him. He needed to know why I panicked.

And now he does.

I also feel guilty, because I freaked and left. I can't even imagine what he was thinking when I did that. I don't want him to dwell on what he accidentally did, but I know he will anyways.

The sound of the door sliding open behind me, makes me turn, finding a shirtless Bucky leaning against the door frame.

"It's a little chilly for no shirt." I say with a small smile.

"I'm not cold." He just shrugs, crossing his arms across his chest. "Is your..." he gulps. "Is your neck okay?"

"Yes."

"Be honest."

"I am. Just a tad sore, but it's perfectly fine."

He lets out a breath that I can see from the cold. "And are you okay?"

"Are you?"

"Not really." He mutters, breaking eye contact and looking down.

"Why don't you tell me what's going on? We have to be honest with each other."

"I just keep getting flashbacks. From when they would brainwash me. I remember the pain...and the confusion. Never knowing what was going on. Being scared."

A weight settles in me. I know that feeling, I get flashbacks like that. But I don't know how to help him.

"Sometimes it's just the usuals..." he briefly looks up. "my past missions. Last night...it was them putting me back in that machine. The one that wiped me."

"What does your therapist have to say?"

"She tells me to think peaceful thoughts before going to bed. And she said that she could give me pills, but I don't really want that. The nightmares don't happen often enough for medicine."

"I wish I knew how to help you." He finally looks up and holds my gaze. "I feel like we're in the same boat."

"But you don't hurt me." He mumbles.

"In your defense, I woke you up. Probably should've gone a different route then shaking you awake."

"That doesn't take away the fact that I caused you pain."

"James...I hate to break it to you. But we've caused each other a lot of pain in the past." My lips turn up slightly. "I can handle a little choking. Please don't beat yourself up about it."

"No promises."

I sigh and walk over to him, those blue eyes staring at me intensely. I reach out and take his hands, holding them in front of me.