the strongest avenger (2)

eight

You think you know grief. You think you know what it's like to lose someone, anyone, but when it happens...it hits you like a goddamn truck.

I won't let myself cry...again.

I cried on Titan. And caused a slight earthquake because of it.

And now...we're all gonna die.

Well, not Nebula and I.

But I'm going to get to watch my father die, after I watched my boyfriend—my love die.

Some people say that you have to be older, an adult to find love. I was blessed to find it at a young age.

I know I'm shutting down, I know I'm blocking out certain things. Trying to just not think about it.

I know that I'm not dealing with this the way I should be.

But who gives a fuck?

Half the world is dead...gone.

Or so we think.

And now I'm gonna lose my dad, because we're running out of air, food, and water.

I...I still have blood on me. From when we lost. It's dried and almost black at this point, all over my forehead, my neck. Crusted around my ears. My hair's greasy and it feels like strings. I just know that I smell awful, so I try to keep distant. And my suit...my amazing suit...is caked with dry blood, in need of a good wash.

But we weren't going to waste water on cosmetic things like that.

We've also lost a lot of weight. I personally don't get hungry, so I give dad my food. But now I'm all bones. I don't even feel anything, I had a bad concussion, but I just—well I didn't feel it.

It healed quick anyways, my super healing from—from him.

I feel empty, like I've given up. I told myself I wouldn't do it...but then again, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't die. So, maybe promises are meant to be broken.

**

"This thing on? Hey Miss Potts. Pep. If you find this recording, don't post it on social media. It's gonna be a real tearjerker. I don't know if you're ever gonna see these. I don't even know if you're still—Oh God I hope so. Today's day 21. No, uh 22. You know if it wasn't for the existential terror if staring into the literal void of space, I'd say I'm feeling a little better today. Infection's run its course thanks to Blue Meanie and the Wicked Witch of the West over there. So the fuel cells were cracked during battle and we figured out a way to reverse the ion charge and bought ourselves about 48 hours of flight time. Uh, but it's now dead in the water. Thousand light years from the nearest
7-Eleven. Oxygen will run out tomorrow morning, and that'll be it. Pep, I know I said no more surprises, but I gotta say I was really hoping to pull off one last one. But it looks like, well, you know what it looks like. Don't feel bad about this. I mean actually, if you grovel for a couple weeks and then move on with enormous guilt...I should probably lie down for a minute. Go rest my eyes. Please know when I drift off it'll be like every night lately. Im fine. Totally fine. I dream about you. Because it's always you...Squirt, you wanna say anything?"

I glance over at my dad, and look away. I don't wanna talk...to him, to Nebula, or to that fucking helmet.

I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, I'll start screaming and I won't be able to stop.

I hear him shut the helmet off and shrug his jacket on. I get up from where I sit and slide down against the wall near him, as he lies down.

I reach over and grasp his hand tight while he drifts off to sleep. I feel tears rise up, knowing that he'll die tomorrow morning.

Nebula and I help move him so that he faces the large window, the one that looks out into the galaxy.

I don't know how long I sit there, fighting the urge to cry, before I see it.

A light.

I let go of Tony's hand and lean forward, my hands pressed up against the glass as a boom is heard.

My eyes widen as I meet the gaze of a woman.

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️

Her name is Carol. Carol Danvers.

And she took us home.

I still didn't say a word. But I watched out the window as she flew us home, as we landed on the lawn of the Compound.

I see Steve, and Nat...but honestly, I don't give a shit.

I let Nebula help Tony down the stairs, my body fighting itself.

"Couldn't stop him." I grit my teeth as I hear him speak.

As soon as he's off the stairs, I swiftly walk down. Pushing past Nebula and ignoring Steve. Ignoring Pepper and Nat.

I freeze when I hear my dad. "I lost the kid."

I turn and meet Steve's gaze.

"Hey, Tal."

I shake my head, I just cannot do this right now. So I ignore Nat calling after me and the way that Pepper hugs the love of her life.

I breeze through the Compound, going directly to my room.

I rummage through my drawers frantically to find clothes, and then I rush to the bathroom. Dry heaving in the toilet.

My stomach clenches as nothing comes out. My body shakes as I try to calm down.

When I feel strong enough, I push off and turn the shower on, willing my suit to go away.

I strip off my dirty undergarments and get right in the shower, leaving the water at the coolest temperature.

My legs shake and ache, not used to being used this much after a while. I know that when I get out I'm going to have to eat something.

I wash my hair over and over again, doing the same with my body. I'm dirty, the remnants of bodies stuck to me.

The bottom of the shower turns a
red-brown from the blood that seeps from me. I'm thorough, scrubbing my body until it's raw.

I wrap a towel around me, body shivering, and head into my room. Quickly, I get changed into a large shirt and sweats, having to pull the string and tie them so they don't fall down.

I start making my way to the door, but my legs give out and I stumble to the ground. I take a second, clenching and unclenching my fists.

I know I'm shaking, and I'm trying, I really am. But I can feel the Earth shaking too. I don't know how to stop it, how to stop the shaking, so I do what Tony taught me for my panic attacks; find three things I can focus on in my room and take deep breaths.

I focus on the feel of the hardwood against my knees, biting into my skin. I focus on the feel of my hair, drenched and soaking into my shirt. And I focus on my door in front of me.

Finally, the room stops shaking and I feel strong enough to get up. So I leave my room and make my way towards the kitchen. Thankfully, no one's there. I need to eat before trying to see other people.

I make a quick peanut butter sandwich, without jelly, and I grab a banana. I pause and then make myself another sandwich, placing it on top of the other. Seeing everyone coming together in a conference room, I join.

I sit down, Tony next to me as he's connected to some IV's and wires. I look around the table, seeing Rhodey, Steve, Nat, Thor, a raccoon, Pepper, and Carol.

I want to be happy. I'm partially reunited with my family, but it's like a piece of my heart was taken. And now I'm just broken.