You and I

Chapter 4: Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

Chapter 4: Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? / Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
   
Chapter title from "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair.

There she is.   

Those were the words that had gone through Tarja Turunen's mind when she had seen Sharon den Adel for the first time. She had heard them loud and clear. They had come from a place deep inside of her she had always trusted, what she called her knowing. It was the same voice that had told her when it was time to move on from Nightwish, it was the source of inspiration for her music and lyrics.

There she is.

She had spent the day trying to figure out what those words meant. They replayed in the back of her mind throughout the shoot of the "Paradise" video, as she basked in the warmth of the Dutch woman's smile and laugh. It usually took her a while to feel comfortable around new people, but with Sharon, it somehow felt like she knew her already.

She had felt so happy that day, and she had attributed it to the fact that the band had been so welcoming and friendly. It had made her nostalgic for her days with Nightwish, to be part of a little family that had shared experiences and inside jokes. But deep down, she had known it was more than that.

She had pushed this experience firmly to the back of her mind, but hadn't forgotten about it completely. When Within Temptation reached out to her asking if she wanted to sing with them at Hellfest, she had agreed almost immediately. That feeling rose to the surface again, and she shoved it down.

She fought with her knowing. She was angry with it. There she is. What did those words even mean?

But her knowing didn't budge. The words remained the same. And if she was being honest with herself, she knew exactly what they meant.

She had never resented this part of herself before. She had always trusted her knowing to lead her in the right direction, to know what was best for her. But how could that possibly be true now?

She distanced herself from her husband as she tried to sort out her feelings, but came no closer to a conclusion on what to do. She had felt so embarrassed when she had broken down in front of Sharon in her hotel room after the M'era Luna festival, but there was no one else's comfort she would have wanted.

And now, a month later, they were having a Skype meeting to catch up after they had finally found a day and time that worked with both of their schedules. She had just finished helping Marcelo clean up from dinner, Naomi was in her room drawing, and she was sitting in her makeshift recording studio with a glass of red wine. The sun was beginning to set outside, casting an orange glow through the window.

She opened Skype and pulled up Sharon's name, trying to ignore her increased heart rate and her unsteady hand on the mouse. She clicked the call icon, and seconds later, her friend's face appeared on the screen.

"Hi!" Sharon said with a smile, waving.

Tarja's breath hitched. Sharon's hair was pulled back, leaving a few wavy strands to frame her face, and she was wearing minimal makeup, light freckles visible on her nose and cheeks. She appeared to be sitting on a couch on her laptop.

How could seeing this woman through a screen send her heart into overdrive?

Tarja forced herself to speak. "Hi! It's so good to see you. How have you been?"

"Pretty good! It's nice to finally be home, you know, staying in one place for a while," she said with a light chuckle.

Tarja nodded. "I completely understand. How is your family?"