You and I

Chapter 16: I want to hold you high and steal your pain away

Chapter 16: I want to hold you high and steal your pain away

Chapter title lyrics from "Broken" by Seether ft. Amy Lee. Sorry I haven't been super consistent with posting! I can't promise that it will get better but I'm not going to give up on this fic. Thank you for reading! 🖤 ~Alina

February 2018

After meeting Sharon in Spain back in October, Tarja had thought seeing her would ease the aching in her heart, at least a bit. That maybe after spending time together, however short it was, that constant yearning could be put to rest and she wouldn't miss her as much. But she had been so wrong.

It had filled her heart to the brim to be with her love for that stolen day. When they parted the next morning, her heart had broken anew, the crack deeper than before. They didn't talk as much as they had the previous year, and she knew Sharon was spending time with her family at home. She tried to do the same when she wasn't on the road but found herself repulsed whenever Marcelo touched her or tried to kiss her. So she pulled away. She feigned exhaustion or a headache, and he gave her space, but she could see the hurt in his eyes.

She threw herself into Naomi's school whenever she wasn't on tour, volunteering in the classroom and chaperoning field trips. Anything to avoid being home alone with her husband.

On Valentine's Day, he insisted on getting a sitter for Naomi and taking her out to dinner. They talked about her upcoming concerts in the spring, ideas for her next album, and Naomi. Mostly Naomi. She was an easy, safe topic of conversation, something they both had in common. Tarja avoided talking about Sharon at all costs. When they had first started getting closer, back before anything had happened between them, she had wanted to talk about her every chance she had gotten, enjoying the giddy energy that flooded her veins every time she did. Now it wasn't a game anymore.

When they got home, she went straight to bed, saying that she had had too much wine and it had given her a headache. After a while, she felt the bed shift as Marcelo slipped in silently beside her. She stared at the wall, wide awake. She thought about Sharon, and silent tears slid down her cheeks. Robert had probably given her flowers. And chocolate. And he had kissed her beautiful, impossibly soft lips and they were probably making love at this very moment. The image filled her head and she couldn't push it away. His hands were on her. He was touching her, making her gasp, making her scream. He was holding her, stroking her hair, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

Tarja had to hold her breath to keep her sobs from escaping. Her heart was breaking as she realized the impossibility of their situation—an affair was all it ever could be. They had their own families and careers, and there would be no way to be together without destroying all of that. Everything and everyone they loved.

But it hurt so badly to have only one small piece of the woman she loved. Only those stolen slices of time. She wanted all of her, every day. She wanted to wake up entangled in her arms, Sharon's hair tickling her chin. She wanted to drink their morning coffee wrapped in a blanket together watching the sun rise. She wanted to fall into her arms after a long day of work and make dinner together while dancing to music. She wanted those deep brown eyes to be the last thing she saw before going to sleep.

The forbidden moments just weren't enough.

Tarja didn't remember falling asleep, but she woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and dried tears on her cheeks.

* * *

April 2018

"I think we should go somewhere."

Tarja looked up from her book. She and Marcelo were sitting in bed reading their respective books by the light of the lamps on their nightstands. Winter had faded to spring, the days getting warmer and longer. She had gone to Finland to do a classical concert in March and would return at the end of the month to do another.