You and I

Chapter 19: Why did you leave me in silence?

Solothurn, Switzerland; October 2018

Tarja sank down on the couch at the foot of the bed in her hotel room and uncapped a cold bottle of water from the mini fridge. She had just gotten back from her show in Solothurn and had taken a long, hot shower and changed into sweats. As was typical after a concert, there remained a residual energy coursing through her veins and a ringing in her ears that kept her from feeling tired. She always needed hours to wind down and actually sleep.

She pulled her tablet onto her lap and opened YouTube, searching for the latest videos related to Within Temptation. She and Sharon were both on tour, which made it even harder than usual to coordinate times to talk. They had been speaking less and less, and Tarja knew deep down it was because of more than their schedules not lining up.

Since Sharon's father had passed away, she had become more distant, and Tarja understood, of course, that this was a time when she needed to be with her family. But after Sharon and Robert had gotten married in July, they had spoken even less. Her heart clenched every time she thought about it. They had never made a clean break, saying it was over, and Tarja didn't know that she would live through it if they did. At least now, she still had hope of seeing her love again, of being able to kiss her, to hold her, to just be with her without anyone or anything standing between them. And she would hold onto that.

A video appeared at the top of the screen of "Forgiven" from that night, and Tarja immediately tapped it. Sharon was standing under a single spotlight, fog drifting across the beam that shone on her face. The audio quality was less than desirable—all of the higher notes that Martijn played on the keyboard and that Sharon sang were distorted—but she didn't care. She could tell from the very beginning of the performance that something was wrong. Sharon's gaze looked faraway, as if she was emotionally somewhere else and was struggling with everything she had to remain present at the show.

By the second chorus, she was clutching the microphone in one hand while the other rested on the belt at her waist. Occasionally, it would flutter up for just a moment, only to return to her ribs again seconds later, as if she needed it there to hold herself up.

Tarja heard her voice get slightly breathy in the second chorus, but it came back strong and clear at the beginning of the bridge. It was when Sharon sang the line, "Everything turned out so wrong" that Tarja could hear the tears creeping into her voice. Sharon pursed her lips, stepping back and clutching her ribcage. But she couldn't make it through the next line. She was able to get out "Why did you leave me" before her voice broke, and she pressed one hand to her heart, the other shielding her face as she stepped away from the audience.

Tears filled Tarja's eyes as the crowd began to cheer for Sharon on the screen. She wished she could take her pain away. She wanted more than anything to take it into her own body and feel it for her.

Sharon pushed through the last chorus as tears ran down her face before turning away from the audience and desperately trying to wipe at her cheeks with the backs of her hands. The audience continued to clap and cheer, and Tarja paused the video. She pulled out her phone and called Sharon. She knew she might be asleep, but she had to try.

"Hello?"

Tarja sat up, pressing the phone close to her ear. "Sharon? Are you alright?"

"I—no, I'm—I'm not." Her voice sounded strangely quiet and far away. "How did you know?"

"I ... I saw the video. On YouTube," Tarja said, pulling her knees to her chest.

"It's on the internet already?" Her voice sounded so small. "So not only does an audience of hundreds get to see me break down onstage, but now the whole world does too."