You and I

Chapter 23: I think I'm lost without you

Chapter 23: I think I'm lost without you

Marbella, Spain
October 2019

Chapter title lyrics from "Lost Without You" by Freya Ridings.

"I think I'm depressed."

Tarja had expected saying the words aloud to offer her some sort of relief, but instead she felt nothing. Not embarrassment, not shame, and certainly not relief.

The psychiatrist sitting at the desk in front of her noted something on her laptop, her fingers clacking away at the keys. Dr. Garcia's office was small and bright, with white bookshelves and chairs, a few large potted plants placed in front of the windows, and smaller succulents hanging from hooks on the walls.

Dr. Garcia was a young woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties with olive skin and long, dark hair that was pulled back into a sleek ponytail. There was kindness in her dark, almond shaped eyes that Tarja had noticed from the moment they had met when she had called her in from the waiting room, and she was relieved that she seemed to have made a good choice. She had researched different psychiatrists in the area and made the appointment in secret, not wanting Marcelo to know what she was doing. She knew he had noticed her change in temperament after Vizovice, and at first, he had asked her if she was alright and had tried to get her to talk. But she had remained stubbornly closed off, and eventually he had stopped trying.

They were all but living separate lives now. In the months that had passed since Masters of Rock, they had drifted further and further apart. She was grateful for her tour because it meant she was only home for short periods of time. When she was, she slept in their guest room, claiming she slept better alone and without any distractions. She knew Marcelo didn't believe her lies, but she was determined to keep up a facade that everything was alright for Naomi, and he played along. They ate their meals separately unless Naomi was with them, and they almost never spoke unless absolutely necessary.

"What symptoms have you been experiencing?" Dr. Garcia asked, adjusting her glasses. She looked up from her laptop and fixed her kind, open gaze on Tarja.

Tarja shifted in her chair. "I just feel ... empty. I wake up in the morning and wish I could go back to sleep because there's nothing to look forward to," she said quietly. Saying it out loud made her feel like more of a failure than she had already. "It's so hard to get myself to do anything, even basic tasks. My head hurts, and my body feels heavy. It's hard to focus, too, because I always feel like there's this fog in my head. And nothing makes it better. Not even things that used to make me happy. Not exercising, or nature, or music, or my family. Nothing."

Before her affair with Sharon, Tarja had considered herself a generally happy and optimistic person. No matter what happened, she was always able to see the bright side, and she found joy in the ordinary moments of her life like eating breakfast with Naomi or going for a run by the ocean.

During the affair, her emotions had become more polarized; when she was with Sharon, she was the happiest she had ever been, but when they were apart, everything seemed dimmer, duller than she had remembered it. It had been like she was waiting for the next hit of a drug. When they first broke up, Tarja had felt acute pain. It had felt as if there was a raw, gaping wound in her chest where her heart had been, exposed for the world to see. She had felt like crying at every moment of the day, and she had had to save her tears for when she was alone on tour, or for the shower when she was at home. But after a while—when, she couldn't say— her pain had faded into numbness.

Now, she was desperate to feel anything. But she would still take numbness over feeling that pain again.

Dr. Garcia was nodding as she noted down what Tarja was saying on her laptop. She met her eyes again when she was done typing. "Can you think of anything in particular that might have happened to bring this on?"