You and I

Chapter 7: I Did Something Bad

Chapter 7: I Did Something Bad

Chapter title lyrics from "I Did Something Bad" by Taylor Swift.

When Tarja woke up the next morning, she smiled and stretched her arms over her head. She felt more well-rested than she could remember feeling in months. And then she remembered why, and her blood ran cold. Guilt twisted at her stomach and nausea coiled up into her throat. With a quick glance over her shoulder, she saw that Marcelo was still fast asleep.

She hurried into the bathroom and got in the shower. She had expected to throw up, but the nausea just continued to roll through her stomach. It was like the guilt didn't want her to have that relief. It knew she didn't deserve it.

She scrubbed at her skin furiously until it was red, as if that would cleanse her of what she had done the night before. She hadn't been drunk, but she felt like she had been. She wouldn't have done that sober.

She wrapped the towel around herself and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She thought she had known herself--her thoughts, her moods, what kind of person she was. Evidently she hadn't. Because it had never crossed her mind that she could be the kind of person who would do this.

She cursed her knowing, that part of her she was sure had led her to this. She wanted to obliterate it, to purge it from her body and mind. It was responsible. And she was never listening to it again.

She would text Sharon later today. And she would tell her they couldn't speak again. She would cut off contact with her completely, burn the bridge. There was no way she could speak to her again, not after something like this.

After getting dressed and checking to make sure Marcelo was still asleep, she walked downstairs and began to make breakfast. Her hands were shaking so much she could barely pull the eggs out of the fridge without dropping them. She forced herself to take deep breaths and try to calm down. She just needed to pretend like everything was normal, and it would be fine.

She heard footsteps on the stairs, and she stayed facing the stove as she flipped the omelette. A moment later, she felt a pair of arms encircle her, and she inhaled sharply.

Marcelo placed a kiss on her neck. "Okay, so are we going to talk about how amazing last night was?"

She felt disgust rise up inside of her, and she pushed it down. She forced a giggle and a smile and turned to face him.

He cupped her cheek. "That was so hot. Where ... where did that even come from?"

She shrugged noncommittally. "I don't know. I guess I just really needed it."

"Okay, well can you remind me why we don't do that more often?"

To avoid talking further, she kissed him even though every fiber of her being resisted and recoiled at the thought. If she kissed him, she could avoid the guilt. He was talking about the night before like it had been a shared experience, but she hadn't been there. Not really.

He lifted her up onto the counter and deepened the kiss, sliding his hand underneath her shirt.

"God, you're sexy," he whispered against her lips, and reached up to cup her breast through her bra.

She knew she should be feeling relief, from this moment and from the night before, that what she had been saying to Sharon in that Skype call about being unsure of whether he was still attracted to her wasn't true, but she didn't. All she felt was revulsion mixed with her shame.

"Good morning!"

They both jumped at the sound of their daughter's voice, and he quickly dropped his hand and Tarja slid off the counter before Naomi rounded the corner. She breathed a silent sigh of relief that Naomi had chosen that moment to walk in and had given her an excuse to separate herself from him.