ifhy, | vinnie hacker

25- dearly TW

rhiannon

the white walls, white floors, and the fluorescent lights hung on the ceiling tiles. my surroundings were somewhere i had been a lot recently. i was in the hospital.

all i've done lately is get myself into trouble. the series of events that i've been through within in the past almost two years, is insane.

first, my boyfriend abused me and made me feel worthless. i saw myself as pieces of trash, i would look at myself in the mirror and hope he'd hit me hard enough one day that i never woke up, i didn't deserve that, but i stuck around and didn't get out of it and for that reason it was my fault.

second, my mom died from drugs. i was the last person she saw and i never knew how to help her. i let her down and honestly, let her die. i could've gotten her help faster if i had turned around and realized what was happening sooner.

third, my dad evicted me from my own house. told me it was for my best interest but, if he wouldn't have kicked me out i might not be sitting in this hospital right now. maybe i'd be with vinnie still, but regardless we would still be in each other's lives, just differently.

fourth, i moved 16 hours away from home to live out a dream life, where everything i did was broadcasted for millions of people to see. which then ruined my relationship, causing reason number 5.

fifth, i got addicted to drugs, had an eating disorder and was on the verge of literal death every single day. i had a friends with benefits relationship that was only to cause my ego boost for the day. i still love chase but as a friend, he doesn't feel the same for me, as he should i treated him like shit and he didn't deserve the way i treated him.

sixth, i overdosed and was in the hospital while my friends and boyfriend were scared to death. Worrying about if i was ever going to wake up again because i was reckless and couldn't find a way to love myself. i let those drugs ruin my life and my self confidence.

seventh, i got sexually assaulted on the beach in hawaii, on a relationship reboot. Trying to get my relationship back to where it was before the previous six reasons happened. Only causing a farther setback.

vinnie was sitting in a chair next to me currently but i haven't opened my mouth to speak to anybody but nurses or police officers, and even then it was one word answers, or i'd point to things.

we had been here for 2 hours, it was currently midnight. i wanted to go to sleep, my body was exhausted, my brain was exhausted and my eyes were heavy. i just wanted to be in vinnie's arms but the second he touches me i know i'll pull away.

there's no way i can let him touch me after what just happened. not that he would do anything to me, i know that. i promise i do. But, even the thought of these nurses having to touch me later made my chest tight.

while i was in the ambulance the paramedic sewed my skirt together enough to where i wasn't exposed, but the hospital gave me a blanket to cover up with when i got here anyways.

i looked over at vinnie, he had tear stained cheeks, and his head was in his hands. he tried to hold my hand in the ambulance but i pulled away. i know he didn't understand but there was no way i could even begin to explain how i feel right now.

he sighed, pulling his head out of his hands and meeting his eyes with mine. "we've been here for two hours. do they not understand what's happened." he said putting his head back up against the wall. "it's fine" i said, barely opening my mouth. it just kind of fell out of the crack between my lips.