LOVING THE DARK

Chapter 11

Probably a week.  Another week in the darkness.  I think I've spoken clear enough that I wish this hospital could prepare the donor sooner.  It's getting just darker everyday.  I couldn't see the light anymore.  At first days of it, I still could see the brightness through my eyes even though it's nothing but complete blur.  Like at least, if somebody turned on the light I could tell it, and it gave a companion.  For few days I slept with the lights on, til 2 days ago it's getting darken.  Even when Doctor Jared got his flashlight in front of my eyes, I couldn't feel it anymore.  So it's completely dark, like you're in a very dark room with zero lighting.  I'm scared.  But everybody just kept telling me it's gonna be alright when I know it's not.  It's not gonna be alright if they only sit here holding my hands without doing anything about the donor.  I need my sight back.  I wanted to get back what's once mine.

"Eat something, baby."  Mom got me the spoon in my hand.

"I'm full."  I murmured.

"You have to take your medicine."  Mom asked me to feel my neck.  "Your thyroid is getting bigger.  However you still need medicine."

"Do I?"  I turned around to wherever Mom's voice came from.

"Yes you do.  Angel, we've talked about this.  You promise me you will get your..."

"Didn't Doctor Jared promise me to get the donor very soon Mom?  And what we have now?"  I started to cry.  "I'm tired, I'm scared..."

"I wish I could replace you..."  Sounds like Mom put down the bowl.  "Tell me, what can make you feel better?  I'm sorry Angel I'm not a doctor.  Only a nutritionist.  I can't do more as a mother.  I screwed it up too."

"Mom, please."  I sighed.

"You're my only girl.  I can't stand to see you like this.  Honey, Doctor Jared is working his best to get the donor.  We got one, from New York.  But it's not that easy as shipping a box of food."

I was stuttered.  Every debate only turned to unspoken conversation in my head.  Those possibilities were vanished slowly everyday.  I wish they knew how bad it is to live with both blind eyes.  I wish there was another way to tell them I'm scared.  I meant I really am scared.  Scared to know how pale I am right now, or not knowing people's reaction when they see me.  I probably already look like a zombie.  Might as well just let me die.

"You have a date with Connor this afternoon."  Mom kissed my forehead.  "Remember?"

"Not really.  I don't wanna go."  I shook my head.

"He's trying his hard best fight to make you feel better.  Appreciate it."

"Does he really like me?  I'm unworthy, Mom."

"Of course he does.  I can see it in his eyes.  He always stays longer than he should.  He buys you everything you need.  He even ditched his rehearsal with the band only to check on you.  Last night when you're sleeping already, he brought his family up here but the nurses asked them to come back later, it's post visit time."

"Did...they?"  I tried to hold onto anything near me.

"Yes.  Aren't you feeling that lucky?"  Mom whispered.  "Apart from these all, people still do love you.  And I'm thankful for that.  You are loved."

"Mom..."  I held her hands.  "Would you..."

"What, sweetheart?  Anything."

"Would...you...help me...to dress up?"  I smiled between my tears.

"Oh sweet Jesus.  Of course!  Let's see...  Hold onto this.  I'll get your dresses first."

I heard Mom's excited voice.  She's no longer working.  She said it's only for temporary decision.  Even though she could have just worked since it's only downstairs at the children care station at the lobby, she didn't want to.  And Dad, I didn't hear his voice that often because Mom  said Dad's working harder.  I only knew he has two jobs right now.  My house is no longer a home for me, except for the past weeks, I've been living here in the hospital.  Thankfully I have no friends.  The only relatives that we have are Connor and his family.  Living in darkness, 24 hours ran slower than before.  It's been like years.  And after all, I should have not complained that much.

"This...  We have two dresses.  First, it's the one we bought on last Christmas, with navy blue detail on the waist and ribbon.  The other one is the full black lacy dress from Thanksgiving."  Mom explained.

"Connor loves blue."  I smiled.

"Alright!  Blue it is."  She chuckled and saved the another dress back to hospital's dresser.

"Mom, thank you..."  I tried to find her hands and hugged her.

"No problem sweetheart."  She whispered.  "Be happy.  You're 20 and you deserve it."

I cried against Mom's hug.  It's one best feeling after all, the one I've always wanted to feel.  Didn't expect people wouldn't leave me after all.  I thought after this happened, everybody would start to ditch me.  They could have just done that.  But they didn't.

"Oh it's Connor!"  Mom got my phone because it's ringing.  "Here."

I tried so hard to adjust the phone in my ears and started speaking.  "Hey..."

"Hey baby."  His signature voice made me smile widely.  "You're ready for today?"

"Just asked Mom to dress me up."  I chuckled.  "What you doing?"

"Playing guitar and stuff..."  Connor sounded different.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Of course.  Yeah I was just...  Toby slapped me in the face because we fought for Tank."

"Tank?  Hahaha...   Never ending drama."  I laughed.

"That's why."

"You're 21 baby, give it up for him."

"No never ever."  His voice turned like a little girl.  "Alright, I'll pick you up at 5?"

"Perfect."

"See you soon.  I love you."  He blew a kiss.

"Bye bye, I love you too."  I gave the phone back to Mom.

"See?  It's one happiness you can't deny."  Mom kissed my forehead.  "I'll be right back."

Hard.  Almost everything is hard to tell.  I can't describe anything to you.  I'm happy, and feeling unlucky at the same time.  I meant, I know Connor and all people around me love me so much.  It's just, wouldn't it be better if I just got my sight back, instead of loving in the dark like this?