Memories Bring Back You

Chapter 21

TW

time jump- 2 weeks

Meredith was doing better since she told someone about the rape. At least she did to make people believe she was doing better. Truth was, she just felt worse. Like she was in college all over again. Between a rape then attempted suicide. Just this wave of depression. Like she just wanted to me to stop. She was still living with Addison, but she was allowed to go to work. Just shorten shifts and she wasn't allowed to be in OR for surgery. Meredith just did charts and scut. She wasn't happy about that but it gave her something to do.

Her eating was "getting better." Again, Meredith was just faking. If she played the part, they wouldn't lock her up in psych. Control was all she needed. It was what she craved. Since everyone was on her case about not eating, she had to give them some control. But the cutting was what she could 100% control. Each night in the shower, she did cuts in her inner thigh. No one ever though to look there. All she had to do was to not act, look suicidal. Each day, the voices in her head kept telling her she should just call it quits. So what she should've done awhile ago. She was a waste of space and no one would care if she died. Their all just playing the role of pretending to be her friend. They didn't want to be her friend. Meredith started to believe the voices and became distant from everyone. That's how it has been for the past 2 weeks since Meredith told Addison about the rape.

Every night, Meredith just laid in bed. Her head was full of thoughts. She didn't really get much sleep. Maybe 4 hours tops. She just laid there and thought about life. Everything and everyone who has made an impact on her life. It felt like at night, all Meredith did was cry. It was at the point where it felt like that's all she did. She just wanted to stop. Stop everything. She didn't want to talk. But when around people, she had to pretend. Put on a fake smile. Pretend she was happy. At this point, Meredith had 2 sides.

The happy Meredith side. The side most people see. What they would see is a smiling girl, who is laughing with her friends. Like she doesn't care what's happening. Just happy.

Then there's the side no one sees. The Meredith who just wants to quit. Like she wished Derek hadn't  found her in the water when she drowned. All she wanted was the world to just stop. To take a breath and decide if this is worth fighting for. Meredith wanted to try and live but each day, the will to live made it harder. At work, people pitied her. That she hated. People would look at her differently, which made her want to scream. Scream so loud, that people on the other side of the world could hear her screams. But Meredith still put on her happy side and just pretended. Meredith was lost for what she wanted to do.

To be continued...
Chapter written by meredithgreyswife