Feelings

8: Guilt

I'm not going to tell Wren, but my mind in exploding in frustration. Who knows why Wren held back at the last moment? Maybe she didn't want me getting too close yet. But still, I'm sort of upset about it. I was all in for holding hands with my crush. Might as well call this over. I text Dad to come pick us up. He responds: k. meet at the bottom of the hill.

"Wren. My Dad's gonna pick us up at the bottom."

Wren doesn't look at me. "Ok."

We descend the hill in silence. Once we're down it's another awkward, silent moment between us while we wait for Dad to show up. I just really want to get away from Wren for now. After Dad pulls up, I immediately sit in the front to leave Wren all alone in the back. It's getting hard to keep my bubbling anger suppressed.

Wren opens my door when we reach her house. "Jae, just... not yet."

Not yet? Say that when we were GOING TO hold hands.

"Right," I answer with a tinge of anger in my voice.

She sighs, closes the door and climbs in through the same window she came out of.

Dad speaks up when he pulls out of the curb. "Something happen between you two?"

Waves of regret and shame crash down on me. I feel bad about getting upset at Wren. It's not my fault, right? I mean, she's the one who pulled her hand away. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Aw, did you get rejected by her when you confessed your feelings?"

"No, she didn't." I add an angry edge to my voice to tell Dad that I really don't want to talk about it. "Can we not talk about it?"

Now he gets it. "Ok. Your choice."

We get home, and I rush into my bedroom. Why, why did I do that dumb move? Why did I ever think Wren would actually let me hold her hand? It's just a crush. Crushes aren't supposed to last long.

A quiet voice sneaks it's way into my head. Maybe this one can.

How?

Well, you and Wren have some similarities. You both lost a parent. Imagine how great it would be if you could both support each other. Then maybe your crush can become something greater.

That's a good idea. I really, really like Wren, and I want to help her as much as I can. For now, I should probably use tomorrow to cool down.

*****

Dad gets one day off in the week, and because he took yesterday off to drive me and Wren, I'm all alone on Saturday. He's already left when I wake up. A box of Frosted Flakes is on the table. My favourite. Dad also left out the milk jug, but I like my milk on the side. Dry cereal tastes better. After eating I clean up and lay sprawled out on the couch. What should I do today?

It's sunny outside, and the apartment has this big shaded porch outside that any of the residents can use. A lot of people are using it, which is rare. Most of the time the porch is empty, the many seats and table barren.

I see Mr. Gupta in a chair. "Happy Saturday, Jae."

"You too, Mr. Gupta." He and I are sort of close. He came to us first when we just had moved in, bringing containers of food. I think that Dad chose the wrong apartment. Most people living here are old guys, even though this isn't a retirement place or anything. I find an empty seat and sit down, drawing whatever comes to mind for hours.

Mr. Gupta settles down a plate in front of me. "It's already three o'clock and you missed lunch. You gotta eat, kid." I lower my sketchbook to reveal what looks like a sandwich.

That's pretty generous of him to do. "Wow, thanks."

He waves it off. "No problem. Now, eat."

I bite my teeth into it, and it is delicious. I think Mr. Gupta was a professional cook before, and now he just cooks up a bunch of food and gives it away to everyone. He definitely has enough money for him to keep doing that. I quickly finish the sandwich and when I pick up my sketchbook again, something slides out. Oh wow, it's the sketch of Wren I did.

He snatches it before I can stuff it back in. "Well, well, who do we have here?

"Someone." He's holding it out of my reach. I gotta put that back before more people notice.

"You mean her?" he points to a figure rolling on the street towards us with a skateboard. That's...

"Wren?" What is she doing here? When she gets close enough she jumps off and picks up the skateboard, all in one smooth move.

Mr. Gupta whistles. "She's good. You hit the jackpot with this one."

I'm excited to see her again on a new day after last night's mess. But being seen with a bunch of old dudes by my crush might not be exactly my greatest moment.

She does seem pretty cool about everything. "'Sup, Jae?"

"H-Hi." My stutter's back as usual.

Mr. Gupta gives her a toothy grin. "I'm Gary. Nice to meet ya."

"Sure," says Wren. He may be good at cooking, but his grin freaks out most people. "Anyways, what's that?" She points to my sketch still in Mr. Gupta's hand.

Please don't show her. "This," he announces proudly, "is a sketch of you by this young man here."

Wren takes it and gives it a hard look. I'm waiting for her to K.O. me. Instead, she grins and gives it back. "Neat, you're good at those." She tilts her head slightly. "Am I really that pretty?"

This I can say truthfully. "Yes, you are."

For the first time I see Wren blush and she looks overwhelmingly cute. "Haven't heard that in a while."

"You should hear it more. Wren, you are really, really pretty." The words are flying out of my mouth now.

Her blush reddens and spreads like a wildfire. I feel like exploding. Why does Wren have to look so cute when she blushes?

"Um," Wren clears her throat, "You wanna get outta here? I bet you want a break hanging around with these geezers." That's not true, they're quiet, I'm quiet, we all get along.

"Come on, Jae."

"Do it, Jae!"

"Go with her!"

Literally every old person is urging me to go when I really don't want to. Today is supposed to be me relaxing, and there's all that stuff from yesterday. What does Wren feel about it?

My feelings for her overtake everything else. "Sure. Hold on."

I go back inside to get the shed key. Cheers come from the porch. They're really happy that I'm going with Wren for some reason. I take the key hanging in the lobby hidden behind some posters and head to the back where the shed is. Inside is my bike that I haven't rode in a long time.

When I bring it out to the front Wren looks impressed. "Nice bike."

It is nice. The electric blue colour hasn't faded yet, or the neon yellow stripes, even though I haven't used it in years. I get on and somehow I can still bike perfectly fine.

"Just follow me," shouts Wren as we get on the road. She skates pretty fast, and I almost have to bike at full speed. My bike doesn't have a gear shift thingy. Wren's hair flows beautifully in the wind. We eventually pull up... to her house?