Feelings

21: Tears II

Having a crush on Wren makes going to school worth it. It gives me a reason to go to Southview besides Zoe and Alex. I had no idea how to confess my feelings to Wren besides telling her, but I was scared that would end bad. So I kept it bottled up. Until today, I was able to contain it. But then we had this date, and when I look into Wren's eyes, the lid on the bottle pops off. Everything's spilling out, and I kiss Wren. It all feels so perfect, cradling Wren's cheek, the feeling of her hand on my waist...

Until Wren pushes me. Seriously. And it's hard enough that I stumble backwards a bit.

"Wren, wha, wh..." I stutter. This worst-case scenario is beyond the worst-case scenario I envisioned before the date.

Wren groans. "Jae, I already told you," She did? "not yet."

Oh my god. This thing again? I thought something changed between that night at the park and this date. "Still? Why can't you?"

"I'm scared things won't work out."

"Work out? You kept on pushing me away, any time something happens between us!" I explode. "I'm up for being together because I like you! I have the whole time! But you keep on saying 'no'. Things can't work out if you don't let them in the first place!" All the anger I've kept down is now flying out of my mouth.

Wren's eyes become an intense icy cold that pierces straight into me. "You just can't wait, can you?"

"I mean..." That outburst sapped a lot of my energy. I can't say anything.

"Just find someone else." She scoffs and leaves, disappearing into the dark night. I'm left standing outside the entrance.

Strangely, I don't feel sad. Just weird. Should I be crying or something? Because I'm pretty sure I got dumped. And rejected. At the same time. I feel like crying, kind of, but it's like I can't.

Dad pulls up in the car by the sidewalk. "Hey, how was it?"

He can't tell from my expression so I lie, "Good."

"Great. Where's Wren? I was thinking she'd need a ride home."

I climb in and put down my skates. "She's fine."

"You must be hungry. Where should we eat? Your pick," Dad offers. I would be happy to choose where we eat, but I just got dumped. I'm not feeling like it.

I mumble a response. "I'm not hungry." At least that's true.

"Really? Oh well, then. I already ate." We arrive home after about 20 minutes. Dad stays in his bedroom and I sit at the table. I search up What to do if you got rejected by your crush on my phone. Even before I finish reading the intro on some article about it, I start crying and one tear falls from my eye.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry. Shut up and pull yourself together!

I can't. It repeats over and over in my mind but tears keep on falling. When I do manage to somewhat calm down, I break out in tears again. Through my blurry vision I can see a line from the article: Feel the feelings. Is that what I'm doing right now? Crying about getting rejected and dumped? I cry quietly, like Zoe in the hallway.

Zoe...

I miss Zoe. How things used to be. The tears keep on falling and I keep crying. Quietly, so no one can hear.

A door opens and out comes Dad. "Whoa, Jae. Are you ok?" he says softly.

My voice comes out all shaky. "Do y-you want-t to kn-know what r-really happened-d? A-At the rink?" I sniffle.

"Yeah, yeah. Just take your time." He sits next to me.

I take a deep breath. "Wren dumped me." My eyes start welling up again and more tears fall out.

Dad pats my back. "Let it all out. It's not your fault."

"But it is!" My voice isn't so shaky anymore, but still shaky. "I kissed Wren then she pushed me away." I have to stop to cry a bit more. I wipe my eyes before continuing, "She said she was sc-scared that things wouldn't-t work out. I got angry-y at her again, a-and she left. She told me, 'Just find s-someone e-else.'" These tears won't stop coming.

"Oh. Well then..."

His words don't matter much anymore. "I wanna sleep now."

"Ok."

After managing to not cry while brushing my teeth and changing, I collapse in bed, pulling my knees up to my chest. I'm crying hard again. Today was going so well, and I just had to muck it up. I rejected Zoe's feelings because I was so sure that me and Wren would end up together. And we aren't together. Scratch that, we probably aren't even friends anymore. I start sobbing and I can feel the big, cold puddle on my pillow where it soaks up my tears. Now I have the worst memory of my life: On the 3rd of December, after the first date which is supposed to awesome, instead I've been dumped by Wren.