Feelings

10: Feelings

"Jae." Zoe gently squeezes my shoulders, pulling me out of my inner debate. "Wanna dance?"

I nod dumbly. Zoe pulls me lightly by the hand to where there's a bunch of old couples dancing. I put my hands on her waist, she keeps her arms around my neck and we go in a slow circle, looking each other in the eye. I'm doing way better than at the party. It dawns on me that it's because I'm slow dancing to romantic music with Zoe. I don't want to question my feelings anymore, just enjoy this moment that'll probably never ever happen again. We keep our eyes locked onto each other as we dance around the porch with ease. All my worries and doubts float away as if they never existed. I can hear my heart going bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Everything falls away until it's only me and Zoe in the whole wide world. She moves closer until we're right against each other with her head on my chest and her arms wrapped tight around my neck. I circle my arms completely around her waist tightly as well and a new, unfamiliar feeling emerges from within me. I can't exactly place it, but it's almost like... love? Am I falling in love with Zoe Ximenez, right here? I'm almost sure of it because everything feels so right and perfect. Any sense of time is gone as I close my eyes and we keep going in a slow, slow circle.

Of course, it can't last forever and Mr. Gupta stops us. "Sorry to break the magic kids, but we're cleanin' up now."

I reluctantly let go of Zoe. She seems to feel the same way. "Zoe, um, I felt s-something weird." If I say 'I think I almost fell in love with you' that's pretty dramatic and maybe not true.

"Me too," she whispers. Oh. Oh man. Oh no.

"What-what's with the outfit?" I should change the topic to something less intimate.

Zoe pulls me over to the sidewalk, a decent amount away from everyone. She balls up her fists and looks me in the eye. "Jae, I like you. And I have for five years. You're cute, you're gentle, you're sweet and you're so many other amazing things," She pauses before continuing. I'm just thinking, ohhhh hell. "It was the one reason I wanted to become your friend, but once I got closer to you 'cause of the divorce, my feelings grew. They've kept on growing up until this moment. Back there, I felt something I've never felt before, and you did too. I think I might even love you, Jae. I really want to become more than friends, but only if you want to as well."

Holy moly, my best friend just revealed her biggest secret to me that apparently is the entire reason we're even friends in the first place. What am I supposed to do? The first thought I have is to take Zoe and kiss her because maybe I also did love her for a tiny bit. But I like Wren. Wren is still the girl I, for sure, like completely. I can't say yes. I don't like Zoe... that much. Maybe a tiny bit but only because we were dancing. It'll go away.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't. You know I like Wren." Too late to back out now. "You understand, right?"

Zoe's face looks lost.

"Zoe?"

Her face hardens. "So it's you and Wren now, is it?"

Before I can answer, she huffs and storms into Che's car. The car drives past me as if it too is angry at me. I might have just lost my best friend. Hopefully only for a short while.

I let out a sigh and head back to the now empty porch. Sadness and guilt are filling me up to the very top. I feel bad for Zoe. She got her heart ripped out by me because I liked someone else. Things with Wren have to go right. If it doesn't, I'm dead. All these thoughts are stuffed in me now and I feel like I'll explode if I don't have someone to spill this to.

*****

As soon as Dad puts one foot into our room, I burst out, "Dad I need your help Zoe just confessed that she likes me and wants to be in a relationship but I said no 'cause I like Wren and she kissed me on the cheek and you don't kiss people on the cheek for nothing but now Zoe's sad and mad at me for rejecting her and now things between us are all messed up." I take a breath. "What do I do?"

Dad's clearly confused. "Wait, what?" He puts down his things and sits at the table. "Sit here and tell me the whole thing."

"First," I start before I'm even fully seated on the chair across from him, "Wren took me to her house."

"To do what?" He sounds suspicious about it.

He's thinking wrong. "She said just to hang out in her room."

"Her room. Better not have done anything crazy."

"We didn't do anything crazy! So she got caught by her mom and they argued for a bit. I hid outside her bedroom window and she cried from the argument. According to her, her emotions were running high and that's why she gave me a peck on the cheek."

"A stolen kiss," he observes.

I rub the place where Wren kissed me. That makes it sound nice. "Yeah, but then Mr. Gupta and a bunch of other old people held some kind of celebration 'cause I went with Wren. I invited Alex and Zoe, Zoe looked nice, we slow danced, I may or may not have fell in love with Zoe for a little bit, she told me that she liked me, I said 'sorry but I can't 'cause I like Wren.', she stormed away, and here we are. Now, what should I do now? I messed up things with Zoe."

He thinks for a bit. "What if we had dinner first? I can think better with a full stomach."

I need his answer now. "I already ate. Mr. Gupta cooked food for everyone."

"Ok, I'll still eat."

My leg is shaking as I watch Dad eat soup slowly. I'm about to ask for his opinion when he fills his bowl again! After a painstakingly long time, Dad finishes and leans back in his seat. "Honestly, I don't know what to do."

Seriously, Dad? After 40 minutes you still have no idea? "You like Wren, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So keep going after her. Since it seems like you two are friends, I think you have a good chance with her. Try to fix things with you and Zoe too, though."

"There's also one other thing about Zoe. I started having, um..." I'm uncomfortable telling Dad that I had crushy thoughts about her. But if he's going to help, I should tell him everything. "I had... romantic thoughts about... Zoe."

Dad smiles. "Wow. So why not like both of them?"

"What? No, ew!" The sheer thought of liking Zoe and Wren seem so disgusting. Aren't crushes supposed to be for one, special person? Liking two is purely wrong.

"Ok, I'm kidding. But still. Keep doing what you're doing with Wren and try to heal things between you and Zoe."

I grin at Dad. "Thanks, Dad."

"No problem." He grins back.

I go to bed happier now because I know that still have Wren. I know what to do, I'll ask Wren out. When do I ask, though? Tomorrow? Nah, too early. I think Thursday works best. A couple more days to build my friendship with Wren, and if I wimp out which could be very likely, I still have Friday. We'll go ice skating. It's almost December anyways, and you skate in December. I hope she says yes.