lioness // phan

Chapter 3 ~ Blog

*TRIGGER WARNING* if you're easily triggered then I suggest you don't read this chapter (:
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My father came in later on that night, i was still unable to sleep. I was feeling a strange mix of emotions, half excited, yet frightened and i wasn't really sure why.

He stepped into the darkness of my room holding a glistening bottle that cursed my eyes when the light from my lamp bounced off it and into my eyes.

I sat there silently staring at him, waiting for him to speak.

"You're a failure. The worst daughter i could have possibly got. No wonder you have no friends".
I had no idea what he was about to say next, and i also didn't have a clue that it would hurt so bad.

"Your mother would be disappointed."

He threw his empty bottle towards me and it smashed into millions of pieces when it hit my wall just exactly as my heart did. I burst into tears as the glass ran down my back and i felt the blood trickle down my neck from where the glass had managed to hit me.
He left the room, slamming the door behind him.

I looked down at some of the large pieces of glass that happened to land on my bed and i picked one up. I lifted up my sleeve, knowing that i deserved this. My heart shattered like the broken glass on my floor. I could feel the physical pain in my chest, I could feel my lungs collapse on me as i held the glass to my scarred wrists.

I hadn't hurt myself in over a week, but i had to. It was all my fault. My mum probably hates me. I bet she's embarrassed that she gave birth to me in the first place. I was a mistake. A huge big fat ugly stupid mistake!

Tears fell from my cheeks as i dragged the sharp glass along my arm, I felt the stinging sensation that i had before and i finally felt okay. All the bad things washed over me like a tidal wave and my whole body went numb. I grabbed tissue from my box and held it against the 4 cuts i had just made. They all were bleeding pretty badly but I didn't care because I was useless and a waste of space.

I looked down and realized my arm was covered in blood. At that moment I realized what i had just done to myself, and the promise I made to mum the night before in my prayers before I went to bed. I began to sob, hard. I cried out all I could, I wanted her here to hug me. I hated my father, what the heck?! I can't even call him a father anymore! He made me feel like I had to do this to myself! I hate him.

I grabbed my laptop and opened up the screen and whilst I was loading it up i bandaged up my arm with whatever bandages and plasters i could find.
I logged onto my blog and i began to type..;

Dear Viewers,

WARNING - Before you make that first cut remember: You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body, think again; it will spread when you run out of skin.

Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live, you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.

Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting, cutting and covering up cutting. And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop, and you are gaping, and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone, praying it will be okay swearing you'll never let it go this far again. But you will, and further.

Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts, the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips, 3 or four different kinds of dressings, Betadine, antibiotic cream, medical tape, scar reducers. You will tap your foot impatiently, hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time, secretly hope someone will notice; someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies; someone who understands but of course that never happens.

Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe; long-sleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots, gloves, the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a different way, scanning their bodies for any signs of selfharm just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You won't even think about it as your eyes scan their wrists arms, hoping, just hoping, they will be like you. But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone.

You will always have to wash your clothes in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood, scrubbing your bathroom floor, wiping the blood off your keyboard. You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.

Next thing you know, you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool; scissors, a car key, a needle, a paperclip, even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut badly enough, you will find something.

Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals, pedicures, sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Because you will itch and itch, "so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.

You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully. You will dream about cutting, you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting at the same time you love it and can not live with out it...

So i sit here and i beg you to not cut yourself. Because once you start, there is no going back. Youre all important people. I love you all.

- Anonymous

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I hope that chapter wasn't too bad! I tried to make it more positive towards the end (: it's just a filler since I haven't been able to write much this week and I just felt quite sucky so i let our emotions in this chapter instead(: