The Dark of You (GxG)

36. I envy this

After breakfast, I had to let myself outside on the porch to catch my breath. The cold air has offered silence as comfort along with a winterland as a view. Snow on every branch sometimes falls onto the white ground with a thud. The old, red barn further down the road is painted with frost.

"Are you okay?" Someone asked behind me and I turned with my hands on my heart.

"I'm fine," I smiled at Lola, who seemed to be concerned.

"Are you sure? Cause it looked like you were in a hurry to get out," She shrugged and I hadn't realized that my behavior came out as I didn't want to be here.

"Yeah, it's just a lot to take in," I leaned against the railing with my back as she came in to stand next to me.

"My family can be a lot sometimes,"

"No," I interrupted her as that is not the issue.

"Your family is terrific, Lola," I smiled genuinely as I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check. I bite my lip as I wrinkled my nose.

"I envy this," I pointed at the window where her family is. Matt with his daughter Nola in his arms as he is talking to his mother. Maya is seated next to her husband, Deacon, with Scott in his lap. Chris is on the couch with a cap over his face as if that would hide the fact that he is asleep. Then there is Rylan, who is leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, deep in thought.

"It's nice, sometimes," Lola chuckled and I smiled.

"We don't see each other that often. I'm stuck at medical school. Matt and Maya have their own families. And Chris is the only one that stuck around. He might be a mess sometimes, but he takes care of Shantelle when he has his good days," Lola explained and I nodded in understanding.

"And of course, Rylan, who was in the military, but since she decided on not returning, I guess we will see her more often," Lola said and as much as I should bite my tongue, I had to ask.

"Why doesn't she want to return?" I asked and peeked through the window at Rylan with guilt as though I had betrayed her.

"I don't know," Lola shrugged.

"I don't think anyone knows to be honest. All I know is that when I saw her the first time she had returned. She had terribly burn injuries. The worst part is that she had completely shut down," Lola's words made me bite my inner cheeks as I couldn't take my eyes off Rylan, who seated herself on the couch now.

"I noticed early on that she had symptoms of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It's not uncommon for a soldier to have, but to see my own sister have it," Lola shook her head in disbelief.

"It was unbearable. I had to take a year off medical school because mom needed help. Rylan rarely slept and she constantly dreamed about what happened,"

"She still does," I blurted out, which I know I shouldn't have. That was wrong of me to do.

"It's not uncommon," She laid her hand on my arm to reassure me.

"She has taken some steps forward, I can tell. She doesn't startle as much as before. Just a bang with a door would have kept her on the toes," Lola said but then snorted lightly through her nose.

"She even smiles now. I haven't seen her smile in a long time," Lola sounded as though someone had just walked on water before her eyes.

"The only explanation I have to describe Rylan when she came back from the military is as if someone had pulled her soul out of her body and only left her to breath," She said and I narrowed my eyes as I looked onto the floor of the patio.

"Let's go back inside?" Lola wondered as she shivered profusely and I nodded in agreement. I followed her back inside and we hang up our jackets before arriving in the living room. I smiled the moment I found Rylan still seated on the couch. Passing a few legs, I sat down right next to her. My shoulder was close to touching hers, but she didn't even look at me.

"Rylan?" I leaned in front of her, yet it still seems like she isn't seeing me.

"Rylan," I placed my hand on her shoulder and that's when she blinked and gazed at me.

"What?" She said.

"Is everything alright?" I asked and she only nodded. I accepted the answer as I know she won't talk to me anyway, even if something was wrong. When I let go of her shoulder and sat straight back into my seat, I froze as all eyes were on me. I sank down as their astounding gazes never seemed to end. I'm not sure why they are staring so stunned at me. Then a second later, the kids took everyone's attention away from me.

I blew out a breath as if someone had snatched the air out of my lungs.