The Dark of You (GxG)

54. What have I done

Sleep came on and off as thoughts raced with guilt and fright. I might have gone too far yesterday. Twisting and turning, I couldn't stop thinking about Rylan. Too worried that I had hurt her badly as I said so many terrible things. I mentioned something that I didn't intend to do. I told her I love her and of course, I do. I wouldn't be drowning in this pain, in myself and her, if I didn't. A part of me wishes I hadn't said that to her, not there and then. I was angry and lashed out it all out on her. She didn't deserve that. 

"Oh god," I groaned and pulled it over my face. 

"What have I done," I muttered against the soft fabric. I can't take it back now. But that's the thing with Rylan and me. Our relationship bloomed as a flower does with time. Slow, but steady it went. I gave her pieces of me and in return, she offered me hers. I found it beautiful, warm and safe. It was something I needed and she gave me it all. She completed the cracks that remained, but now they are all back as the flower has wilted. 

However, I can still hear the sound of her breathing, how she would sigh instead of actually saying what was on her mind. The strength she had to keep her mouth locked when I would only burst it all out at once. She was always so calm and I would rage like a storm. The patience she had for me and the way she treated me as if I was the most fragile diamond in the world. 

Her skin, I can still feel it on my own. So soft, but also rough and hard at the same time. The strangest sounds came out of me as her lips trailed all of my weakest spots. She has this effect on me that I can't control. I like to be in control, but with Rylan, I feel like I can let my guard down. I don't have to be scared or worried.  A thought made me throw the pillow off my face and sit up straight on the bed. I don't even have to show that I'm worthy. Because in her eyes, I already were. This entire time I believed I was never good enough for her in every aspect. But then again, that's what Rylan has thought about herself as well. Is that what we have been doing all this time. Both of us are unsure that we aren't good enough for each other. An insecurity that has brought us down to this, torn apart. 

Thoughts so many thoughts led me to get out of my apartment for fresh air.  As much as I adore and love Rylan, it doesn't take away the pain she inflicted when she left. I'm so torn by my emotions. 

When I reached my favorite coffee shop, I stopped abruptly and stared through the window at Rylan. She's sitting right there with a cup in front of her and an unfamiliar young woman. They were all laughing and smiling, which was nice to see. However, my jaw clenched when the brown-haired woman placed her hand on Rylan's arm. Yet, I was surprised to find Rylan not flinching or even taking notice of it. Then Ry's gaze flicked to me and she seemed taken aback. With heated cheeks, I kept on waking from the scene I witnessed. 

"Hadley," I halted by Rylan's voice and slowly turned around with a slight smile. 

"Hi," was the only thing I could figure out to say. 

"Hi," she smiled back as she stood before me now and pulled the leather jacket probably on her shoulders. 

"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly as she tilted her head. 

"Hmhm," I nodded rapidly with a smile. "A bit cold and hungry, but I'm okay," I added. 

"Oh, um, you want to come in with me?" she offered as she pointed at the coffee shop. 

"No," I shook my head. "I don't want to interrupt whatever you were, um, doing," I stammered embarrassingly.  

"You aren't interrupting anything, Hadley," she smiled. "Besides," she tucked her hands in her jacket pockets. "It was her time to go," she said and I narrowed my eyebrows as I thought about Rylan's request.