The Dark of You (GxG)

49. Oh shit

A knock on the front door startled me awake. I rubbed my dry eyes and stepped out off the couch. A tiny hope in my chest made me rush quickly to the door, but when I opened it was not the face I wanted to see. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked Jude.

"Excuse me?" She laid her hand on her waist, offended. I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. 

"Oh shit," I remembered now that I noticed her gray coat that tried to hide a stunning black dress underneath. I was supposed to be at her wedding anniversary this evening and I slept through it all by the look on her face. I got so caught up in my own mind that I forgot about it. 

"Yeah, oh shit, Hadley," Jude rolled her eyes and passed me and I closed the door behind me. She glanced at my apartment and turned around with her mouth half-open. 

"Why does it look like you had a visit from a hurricane?" She indicated the mess. Takeaway boxes floating all around, dirty glasses and bottles mixed on top of the table. To be honest, there might be one broken on the floor.  It's only been three days since I last saw Rylan, not even heard a word from her. I've been stuck in here alone in my own toxic mind. Sleep has been coming and going at its own will. I didn't even know what day it was until Jude showed up. 

"Hadley," I looked up at my friend as she had laid her hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth but closed it as the words wouldn't come. Instead, I struggled to breathe and closed my eyes. 

"S-she," I reached out for air to calm myself. "She left," I finally managed to get out and with it came those stupid tears that won't stop. I haven't cried this much since my mother passed. 

"Who?" Jude held me by the shoulders and stared right into my eyes, concerned. 

"Rylan," I answered and closed my eyes as the pain washed over me. 

"What happened?" Jude shook her head in confusion and of all things, I burst into angry laughter. 

"What happened is that I'm an idiot," I said out in fury as tears fell like rain from dark clouds. 

"Who would have thought that someone as wonderful as Rylan would end up in my life," I shook my head as I cried. 

"I did not deserve her in any way, but I wanted her so much. Wanted it all so much," I dried my wet cheeks as Jude listened to me patiently. 

"The way she looked at me as if no one else existed. Those eyes would soften and glow like an ember bursting into flames. She allowed me to touch her when no one else would and god," I felt this warmth take over me as I smiled frantically. 

"She treated me as if I was divinity and I didn't even deserve it," I hit my collarbones in frustration.  "And just like that, she's gone. Left without a word and I have no idea where she is!" I cried out and laid my hands over my face. 

"I'm locked, Jude, because I'm terrified. I'm scared that I've lost the only good thing I have had in a very, very long time. It fills me with despair and I- I can't," I can't breathe.

"Calm down," Jude said lightly. "It's going to be okay," She tried to reassure me as she led me over to the couch and I sat down automatically. I'm lost, so far gone and I know it. I just don't know where the right way is, or maybe I don't want to go in the right direction. I don't want it or should have it, I have concluded. This is my punishment and I think I should take it as it is. I understand Rylan left because of her demons, but she left me behind to drown in my own. You don't just give someone sunshine for a certain amount of time, then take it all away and expect that person to be the same without it. She was right there. She filled my lungs with air and took it all away. 

"She might come back," Jude smiled, but I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. But, of course, she doesn't know if Rylan will come back or not. I don't even know. Rylan's foster mother, Shantelle, doesn't even know where she is. She promised to call me if she heard anything. Clearly, she was as worried as I was. 

"She's not coming back," I laid down on the couch and let the emptiness grab a hold.

"For all I know, she might not even be breathing," A tear slid down my face when I closed my eyes. How much can a person cry before they run out of tears, or is it simply endless? I'm bounded to drown in my agony. There is no comfort. Not that I want it. I want the pain. Perhaps that's the worst part. I want to lose grip of reality, lose all sense of what's real and only exists. I am so pathetic. 

"It's going to be okay, Hadley, I promise," Jude placed a comforting hand on my leg, but there is no comfort in the misery. It's dark and cold—no switch to turn the light on and no glow to make a fire. There is nothing but a void that will never be filled. I've been here before—this feeling where nothing is everything that is left.