The Dark of You (GxG)

42. I do not deserve to breathe!

My body automatically rose as there was a loud bang. With my hands over my heart, I listened to Rylan throwing up in the bathroom. Frozen to the bed, finally I heard the toilet being flushed and a tap turned on. It took a few minutes before Rylan came out, but she didn't go in the direction of her bed.

I leaped out of bed in my queen shirt and oversized pajama pants to block the bedroom door. Rylan had to place her hands on each side of my head on the door to stop so abruptly. She's locked me between the door and her body. Out off breath and sweat glistening on her skin, she stared at the floor.

"Move please," I could hear the restraint in her voice.

"No," I responded.

"Move!" She shouted and hit the door, which made me move to the side in fright. In a hurry, she escaped the room as if she had struggled to breathe. I swear I could hear my own heartbeat drumming in my ears as there was nothing but silence and me left in the bedroom. My mouth opened and closed as I didn't know what to do.

After a long time of gathering my thoughts and calming my speeding heart, I walked on wobbly legs through the hallway and the stairs. Once I reached the second floor, I took in the scene. Rylan moves frantically in the middle of the living room as Shantelle and Lola are trying to calm her down. Stuck like a statue, I watched Rylan break down into tears.

"Rylan," Shantelle said softly and tried to reach out for her, but Rylan deflected her by stepping backward.

"I-I," Rylan cried and laid her hands against the side of her head.

"Rylan, you need to breathe," Lola said so amazingly calm.

"You done it before, come on, breath," She added, but her sister didn't listen as she shook her head.

"I do not deserve to breathe!" Rylan spat loudly and her words felt as if someone stabbed a knife in my heart. Lola and Shantelle both looked at each other, horrified. Sweat made Rylan's tank top cling onto her skin as her tears dripped down her chin.

"I killed her, "Rylan blurted out and I swallowed those words down as if I had nails stuck in the back of my throat.

"I had to," She wrapped her arms around herself as she grasped painfully out for air.

"Who?" Lola asked lightly as not to spook her.

"H-her Humvee had hit a landmine. I ran for it and opened the door to pull her out," She dragged air into her lungs as she kept on explaining.

"But Keeley was stuck," Rylan shook her head, her eyes wide and lost to reality. A tear slid down my cheek and it's only now that I realized that I have been crying myself.

"I tried so hard, but nothing worked and the fire was everywhere," She stopped talking and silence became so unwanted. We waited patiently for her to speak again.

"She begged me," She cried so hard in frustration and closed her eyes, which made what looked like thousands of tears fall down her face.

"She begged me to shoot her so she wouldn't suffer," She said in despair.

"Oh, Rylan," Shantelle laid her hand over her mouth as if she didn't believe the words that Rylan spoke.

"I did what she asked," She stood frozen now as if she can't believe it herself.

"I was pulled out of the Humvee and I hadn't even noticed that I was on fire," As Rylan struggled to breathe, Shantelle tried once again to reach out for her. Rylan moved away from the comfort and that was the final straw for me.

I moved my unsteady feet forward and walked past Lola and Shantelle. Arms open, I wrapped them tightly around Rylan's waist. I hid my face in her collarbone, smearing the tears onto her already soaked shirt. The shadow on Rylan's soul is filled with guilt, blame and shame. How she is still breathing is incredible to me. I moved back to look up at her tearful face as she isn't able to calm down. I know Rylan to be a person in control. That's what she does and what she needs the most.

I grabbed Rylan's hand to lay it on my waist, then snatched the other one into my hand. With my free hand, I sneaked it in between her armpit to rest it on the back of her shoulder. I felt her damp and burnt skin on the palm of my hand.

"I need you to lead me," I whispered and she narrowed her eyes in confusion.

"Dance with me, Rylan," I smiled at her, but she still didn't seem to understand. I raised myself on my toes to stand up closer to her face. I licked my dry lips as she bent down to me, her nose almost touching my own.

"I need you to lead me, soldier," I breathed out and her lips parted as her blue eyes softened.

"Please," I begged and Rylan closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. Then slowly, she moved me along with her and held me so near that her forehead leaned onto mine. Her eyes reminded shut as she led me around the floor. The tension in her body decreased as we didn't stop. I smiled as I pushed myself away from her to spin around. When I returned, my hand landed on her collarbone and my breath hitch as her eyes watched me the sweetest way anyone could have ever have. I'm so under her spell, and I know that I can't pull myself away from her no matter what I do. I placed my fingertips onto each side of her face and dried the wetness away.

"I know whatever I say, I won't ever be able to take your pain away. But what I do know is that you do not deserve to have it. What you had to do was the most horrific thing a person could ever do," As the words had left me, I had to suppress the tears that wanted to come out again.

"What you are feeling," I laid my hand above her beating heart.

"Is what makes you human. You have every right to cry, to be hurt, and to be heard," I smiled faintly as she listened to me so intently.

"You would still be my solider, Rylan. Nothing could ever take that away from you," I told her and some sort of peace settled onto her as I spoke those words.

"I'm," Her lower lip quivered and she swallowed deeply.

"I'm so tired," She finally said and tears streamed down her face as she closed her eyes.

"I know," I breathed as I cleared the tears off her skin.

"You have every right to be tired," I took her hand into mine and pulled her along with me to the stairs. I don't know when Shantelle and Lola had left, but I certainly didn't notice that they had.

When we came to the bedroom, I led Rylan towards the bed. Silently she laid down and closed her eyes. I found myself staring endlessly at the beautiful woman. How can someone who went through something so traumatic still be standing? All I know is that I have never met someone so broken and fragile but so strong.