DELICATE ★ JENLISA

Chapter 18

I was convinced that I had really done it this time.

I didn't see Lisa for the rest of the day that Saturday. I suppose she trusted me with Ark, even if I'd pissed her off by mentioning her mom, because she had stayed in her bedroom and only came out to feed her niece dinner. Even then, she didn't give me a second, or even a first glance for that matter, and her expression had been completely and utterly emotionless.

Ashley picked up her daughter the following day, and after Ark was gone, Lisa left the apartment and didn't come back until a little after eleven at night. Most of the week passed by similarly, and I was starting to believe that she'd never talk to me again. She was even colder in class, and I felt bad because she was taking out her frustration— or whatever she was feeling— on some of her students, and it was my fault. She was fine while she was teaching, but the little bit of patience that she'd had before for the seniors who misbehaved was completely gone.

I was so confused. I had never seen anyone act like this, and death was something that I'd had to deal with a lot. Not only had my own family passed, but I had known quite a few kids in the system that lost one or both of their parents and none of them had dealt with it the way that Lisa seemed to be. All I'd done was simply mention her mother. It was clear that her mom's death was a touchy subject for her, as a death would be for a lot of people. I had known quite a few people that tried to block out their emotions instead of dealing with them. Hell, I did that more often than not, especially with my sister.

But I had never seen it like this.

I had detention today, and I wasn't at all looking forward to an hour with Lisa in a confined space where she could possibly bite my head off, or even worse, let us sit in a painfully uncomfortable silence. We hadn't yet been in a situation where we were alone and forced to talk to each other, so I was convinced that this afternoon would be an interesting one. I lingered outside of her door for a while, as I tended to do, before opening it and walking in.

She didn't even look up.

I sat down in the desk closest to her, only interested in getting her attention. She ignored me like she had been for the past week or so, and I sighed. Even though I felt for her, because I was familiar with what she could be going through, I was still growing frustrated. Was she going to do this every time I did something wrong? I couldn't take being shut out again, and to make matters even worse, my nightmares were back. It seemed to me that on the one night that Lisa had made me really, really happy, I had actually slept well.

Was the fact that I couldn't sleep again just a coincidence?

I looked up, trying something that I hadn't yet done since Halloween- talking to her. "My intention last week was not to make you upset, Lisa."

"I'm not upset," she said, never raising her eyes from the papers on her desk.

"Seriously? Come on, you can't lie right now, especially not about how you're feeling."

This time, for probably the first time in a week, she met my eyes. "I'm not lying, and I'm not upset. I'm pissed off at you."

"For what?"

She barely looked up. "You invaded my privacy Jen, and I'm not okay with that. I really don't want to talk to you right now."

I sat up in my seat, shaking my head. I was beyond confused because she was taking this to a bit of an extreme. "All I did was ask you a question... I didn't realize that your mom is a touchy subject for you, and I'm sorry for bringing her up. But do you want to explain to me how the hell I invaded your privacy?"

"Don't talk about my mom," she snapped, and even though I thought I saw the sliver of remorse in her eyes when she looked at me, I was becoming frustrated. She let her expression harden again and she shook her head. "I certainly haven't ever mentioned her, so I'd really like you to tell me how you knew that she died without snooping through my things while I wasn't in the apartment."

I couldn't help but to wonder what things she could possibly have in her apartment that I could find and make the assumption that her mom passed away, but I guessed she was just referring to a diary or something. And then my mood quickly shifted when I actually thought through what she had said, and I tightened my jaw. I had been treated like a delinquent enough in my old foster and group homes, but I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if that's the way that she saw me too. I lowered my voice and spoke, "Is that really what you think of me?"

She looked at me silently, but her expression told me that she wasn't going to re-think what she had accused me of doing. I felt the compassion I'd had for her quickly start to evaporate into thin air. "I was taking care of your niece when she told me that her grandma passed away. But I'm glad I give you the impression that the first thing I'd do when left alone is snoop through your fucking things."

I could tell that as soon as I'd finished, she felt at least a little regretful, but she was way too fucking proud to mutter anything like the words "I'm sorry".

Because saying something like 'I'm sorry for assuming the absolute worst of you like everyone else in this fucked up world' would have been way too much for her to handle.

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, weaving between the desks to get to the back of the room. She watched me silently as I sat down again in the desk farthest from her, propping my legs up and sighing.

How was she able to make me feel this way so easily?

I wouldn't meet her eyes for the next ten minutes, and she either couldn't think of anything to say or didn't care, so we sat in silence. That was, until her door opened and Cara and Principal Yang walked in. I quickly took my legs off of the desk, mainly because I didn't want her to get in trouble with him, and made eye contact with Cara. She gave me a sly smile and walked over to me, sitting down in the adjacent desk.

"Fancy seeing you here.. again."

"What'd you do this time?" I muttered, briefly meeting her eyes before putting my feet back up the minute Principal Yang finished speaking with the blonde and walked out of the room. I could feel Lisa's eyes burning into my back but I didn't look at her, and instead, I looked at Cara.

She frowned slightly. "To be completely honest with you, nothing. And it wasn't like before when I was texting and I said I didn't do anything, there's really no reason for me to be in here right now."

"Really? Why are you in here then?"

"I wanted to spend time with you and you're always working?"

I raised my eyebrows and she just laughed a little. "Okay, okay. The truth is, I heard a few people talking shit about my uncle in the hallway, and I may have gotten involved. But honestly, I didn't even touch them so I don't know why I'm in here."

"Your uncle put you in detention for standing up for him?"

She shook her head. "It's not his fault, Mrs. Diaz was the one to see me getting in their faces about it and she called home. So unless he wanted to deal with my mom, he didn't really have a choice."

Lisa hardened her voice, speaking, "I told you both last time that detention is to be quiet, girls. I'd rather not repeat myself."

"And I'd rather not have to sit here for an hour and stare at you, but yet here I am."

Lisa's eye's snapped to meet mine, and I could tell that she was biting her tongue to refrain from responding with anything. Cara widened her eyes and looked at me, whispering, "There is some pretty serious tension in the room Jen, and it isn't coming from me.. what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, speaking loud enough for Lisa to hear. "I'm just a little upset with someone at the moment."

"Someone?" Cara asked knowingly, lowering her voice so that Lisa wouldn't be able to hear her from the front of the room. "Why are you mad at her?"

"Because she can be a real bitch sometimes, and it's really hard to deal with," I responded, not looking up even though I knew Lisa was watching me.

"Well that's not a bad reason, but uh, unless you want more detention than you already have, you might want to lower your voice."

I shrugged. "Let her hear me."

Lisa gritted her teeth, standing up. "I need to speak with you in the hall, Jennie."

I looked up. It'd been a considerable amount of time since she'd called me Jennie, and I took it upon myself to assume that I was either in a load of shit, or she was just making it seem that way in front of Cara.

"I told you," Cara whispered, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Good luck."

I eyed her hand and tried to smile. "Yeah, thanks. I'll be fine."

Lisa's voice cut through the air again. "Let's go."

Cara raised her eyebrows in my direction as I walked away, mouthing, "I'm not so sure about that."

I shrugged and walked through the door that Lisa was holding open, looking at Cara one more time before turning around to face Lisa. She closed the door, narrowing her eyes at me. "I'm sorry you feel that way about me, but you're not going to go around talking about me like that to other students and expect me not to do anything about it. I think sometimes you forget that I'm your teacher-"

"Oh, shit, you're right, I'm sorry. I was stupid to think that we could be friends."

She met my eyes and sighed, leaning against the wall and folding her arms across her chest. "We can be, but that doesn't mean you can forget that I do have authority over you in school, and you need to respect me."

"I do Lisa, but I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to be treated the way that you're treating me right now, and I can't help but to lose a bit of respect for you when you do this."

She looked down at me, biting her lip. I noticed she did that a lot when she was thinking, probably unintentionally. "I'm sorry." She paused and sighed. "I.... I didn't want to assume the worst of you Jen, but Ark escaped my mind and I couldn't think of another way that you could have found out about my mom."

"Why are you so worried about me... knowing? I've told you so much about myself, and even if it doesn't necessarily seem that way to you, I think I can say that you know me better than anyone else does. Which is sad, because there's a lot I haven't told you."

She eyed me, shaking her head. "Because I don't want you to ask questions. I don't want to talk about my mom, and I don't think I ever will."

"And that means you have to turn into a bitch just because I mentioned her? Without knowing it bothered you so much?"

"No, you just... you reminded me about something that I didn't want to think about, and I couldn't get it out of my head. I still can't, and I'm sorry that that turns me into a different person but I can't do anything about it."

I shook my head. "You're... being really vague. It's a little confusing."

"I'm sure it is. Come on, we need to go back inside. I can't leave Cara in there alone for too long."

"Why? Afraid she'll steal something?"

"Jen..." she said, narrowing her eyes and propping herself up by resting her elbow on the wall, her hand in her hair.

I held my hands up. "I'm just kidding, relax. After you," I said, gesturing for her to enter the room. She rolled her eyes, opening the door for me and letting me duck under her arm to get inside. She glanced at Cara, and then back at me, pointing to the seat closest to her desk. "You can take a seat right there."

"Really..." I muttered, narrowing my eyes at her.
"Yes, really," she answered, taking a seat herself. I looked at Cara, shrugged apologetically and sat down in front of Lisa, desperately wishing the hour to end already.

Eventually detention ended and Cara stood up in the back, making her way over to me and sitting on the edge of the desk beside me. She lowered her voice. "I know you have to work, but... how about we make a deal? Next time you have off, tell me, and I'll make spending the afternoon with me worth your while?"

I looked at Cara, moving my hair out of my face and shifting slightly to see Lisa watching us. I sighed inside, because I actually did like Cara, but I couldn't date her and I felt like I was doing something wrong every time I spoke to Cara in front of Lisa.

Which was fucking ridiculous because Lisa didn't want to be with me, so why the hell would she care about what I did with Cara?

Cara acknowledged my lack of response and leaned forward. "Jen, if you don't want to hang out, you can just tell me. But if it is just your job, I think we can work around that."

"No, I do Cara.... It's a deal, okay? I'm not sure when I have off but I'll text you."

She smiled and nodded, picking up her book bag and standing up. "Cool. And listen, I just want you to know that we can be anything you want us to be. I'm not trying to force you into anything, I'm just making sure you know that I do want to hang out with you, whether that be as friends.... or... not friends."

I nodded back. "Okay, thank you."

She started toward the door and waved back at me, before turning to Lisa. "See you later, Ms. Manoban."

Lisa looked up, I suppose caught off guard by being acknowledged. She nodded, "Uh, have a good day Cara."

Then she was gone.

I picked up my bag and sat on the edge of the desk in front of Lisa's, watching her grade the tests we'd taken two days ago. She finished with one, flipping it over and frowning. She looked up at me. "What's going on Jen?"

"What are you talking about?"

She held up my test so that I could see the near-failing grade on top. "This isn't you."

I looked down and away from her. "I guess I've been too frustrated recently to study."

She shook her head. "Don't do that Jen. Please do not associate what goes on between you and I to how well you do in my class. You can do better than this, much better, actually."

"I wasn't talking about you," I muttered. She looked at me doubtfully and I sighed. "Fine, I may have been, but not solely. My work schedule is back to normal and I've been getting really bad dreams at night this past week. I have no time to study when I'm actually in a mental state where I can."

She formed a line with her lips, her expression shifting. "I think you can still do better than this without studying very much. And if you need help, you can just ask me."

"I don't need help."

She narrowed her eyes. "You don't have to do that Jen, you can ask me for help and still hold onto your... pride, or whatever it is you're afraid of losing."

"I'm not too proud to ask you for help. I really don't need it. What I need is for you to stop making me feel like shit every time I do something wrong."

The blonde lifted her eyes to mine, frowning. "I said I was sorry for assuming things."

"I'm talking about when you shut down for days unless I practically force you to talk to me. You have no idea how much I hate when you do that."

She sighed. "I can imagine, and I'm sorry. But don't take it personally, I do it to everyone."

"That makes it better? You shouldn't."

"I know," she muttered in response, scribbling a ninety-eight on Jisoo's test and standing up. "I'm trying to work on that."

"I don't think you're trying very hard."

"You can think whatever you want." She picked up her bag and put the tests in it, nodding her head towards the door. "Come on, I'll take you to work."

"This friendship thing is exhausting."

She raised her eyebrow, holding the door open for me. "With me or in general?"

"In general," I muttered, walking out the door. "But with you especially."

She eyed me but decided against answering, and instead led me to the parking lot. I watched her look around before gesturing for me to get in the car, and I did. She sat in the driver's seat and pulled away from the school, and after a while of driving in silence, she spoke up.

"What do you dream about?"

I looked at her, and I really didn't want to give her a lengthy answer to that question so I just shrugged and looked out the window, hoping this meant that she was done ignoring me.

"My shitty past."


The next day passed similarly to the rest of them, and even though Lisa wasn't ignoring me anymore, she wasn't anywhere near as friendly or talkative as she had been on Halloween. I wasn't going to push her because it seemed like she really didn't want me to know anything about her mom, and part of me understood that. I was just glad she wasn't ignoring me anymore.

I was currently sitting on the sofa with Lisa lying next to me, dozing off. It was a Saturday morning and Ashley was supposed to be dropping off Ark in a little while, according to Lisa. She shifted next to me, lifting her head to glance at me. "The doorbell didn't ring while I was asleep, did it?"

I shook my head and she stood up, nodding toward her bedroom. "I'm going to take a shower before they get here. I promised Ark we'd go to the park this weekend."

"Okay."

She walked away, leaving me to think to myself. I still felt tension between us, and I didn't know how to get rid of it. It didn't matter what she said, I could tell she was upset. She wasn't the person that I'd seen on Halloween, and I really wanted that person back.

I just wasn't sure what to do.

I sat on the couch for a while and sketched, listening to the faint sound of running water. The doorbell rang before Lisa was out of the shower, but I knew at this point, I didn't really have to ask her if I could answer it. Ashley knew who I was and Ark was more than comfortable around me.

I put down my sketchbook and walked over to the front door, peering through the peep hole before opening it. "Hi Jen," Ark greeted me, happy but a little less perky than usual. She hugged me and scurried into the apartment, leaving me to glance up at Lisa's very tall, very intimidating sister.

"Is Lisa here?"

"She's in the shower," I responded. "She should be out soon though."

Ashley shifted her stance and stared down at me for a while, giving me a look I really couldn't place. "I think I need to talk to you while I have the chance."

I fidgeted with my shorts and muscle shirt, all of the sudden feeling really uncomfortable in front of Lisa's seemingly well put-together sister. Not that Lisa wasn't; I still remembered the first time I'd seen her in something other than her normal school attire.

But there was something about Ashley that made me wish I had a shell to crawl into and hide.

Was that pathetic?

"Okay? What do you... want to talk about?"

"My sister," she answered immediately. "Do you like her?"

"Uh, yeah she's a cool person I guess-"

Ashley rolled her eyes, stopping me. "No, do you like her?"

I shook my head, stammering, "U-Uh.. no, I can't...."

God, I felt like a complete idiot.

"Jen, I know you're seventeen and I know you're her student. That isn't what I asked. I'm not asking you what the law dictates, I already know you can't like her, I'm asking you if you do."

I sighed, leaning against the door frame. I could say no, but Lisa had told me once that Ashley was impossible to lie to, and I knew she was right. I answered honestly, "I don't know."

She nodded, looking down at the floor before raising her eyes to me and shaking her head. "From prior experience Jen, 'I don't know' means that for at least some part of you, the answer is yes."

I tried to think of a response but I couldn't, and I didn't need to because she spoke up again. "She likes you too."

My eyes snapped up to meet hers. "What?"

She smirked a little, letting out something between a sigh and a laugh. "Yeah, your answer definitely should have been yes."

I tried not to but I was pretty sure I was blushing. She continued speaking, not commenting on it. "I'm not sure what you're aiming for, whether it be a committed relationship or... something else, but I need you to know that you can't expect anything from her."

I shook my head, giving her a confused look. "Uh, I'm not-"

She held her hand out, stopping me. "Jen, just let me talk for a minute. Look, Lisa fools around with.. a good number of people, but she can't fool around with you because you're her student. That being said, I know she doesn't want to fool around with you. She likes you, which honestly, is a little strange for her. She hasn't told me anything, that's just who she is now, but I can tell. You can't keep kissing her Jen, because it's really fucking with her head and you two can't be together."

I stood back, trying to comprehend everything she was saying. At first I couldn't answer, because I was just shocked that Lisa had talked to Ashley about the things that had happened between us. But then I did. "I know. I didn't mean to kiss her... well I guess I did, but I know we can't be together. It's illegal-"

The dark-haired woman shook her head. "That's not why I'm having this talk with you. You're right, it is illegal, but God knows Lisa's never followed a rule a day in her life, and she sure as hell isn't going to start now. She's.... not herself anymore. I can't explain to you why-"

"I think I already know why."

She eyed me, and I folded my arms across my chest. "Because of your mom?"

She raised her eyebrows, her mouth opening a little. "There's no way in hell she told you about our mom, unless I really don't know anything about my sister anymore."

I shook my head. "Actually uh.. Ark kind of... leaked the information."

"Shit," Ashley muttered. "I'm going to hear about that later. Look, Jen, I just need you to know that you can't expect her to act like a normal person. She's... messed up now. She shuts out everyone in her life, including me, and she sure as hell isn't going to start letting someone that she just met in. But that's what I'm saying, okay.. she likes you, and every time you kiss her, you're just making the fact that she can't be with you worse."

She let out a shaky breath, sighing and speaking up again before I had the chance to. "This conversation is not going the way I needed it to, and I'm usually great with words. I like you Jen, because I've seen you make Lisa smile and you've made my daughter so happy over the span of the past month, and that makes me happier than you could possibly imagine. That's why I'm letting you know that you should be careful, because you're not going to get what you want out of Lisa, and I don't want to see either of you get hurt."

I ran a hand through my hair, letting out a shaky breath. "Thanks I guess, for.. telling me. But I really don't think you have to worry about me making another move on her, she's definitely still pissed off at me because I brought up your mom when I probably shouldn't have."

"Yeah, you may not want to talk about that. I can bring it up because she can get pissy at me all she wants, it doesn't phase me, but with you.... you'll get hurt. No doubt."

I frowned. "I'm not going to mention it again. But please, you're right. I do care about Lisa even though I probably shouldn't. Is she okay? I've never seen anyone deal with a death like this before, and I've... been exposed to quite a lot."

Ashley looked past me, probably at her daughter. She muttered, "I doubt you've ever met anyone that blames themself for a death as much as she does."

I looked up at her. "She blames herself?"

She refocused her attention on me, frowning. "Shit, I probably shouldn't have said that."

"Come on, Ashley."

She raised an eyebrow at me but sighed. "Look.... my brother has put the thought into Lisa's head that it's her fault, and now she really believes that. I'm not telling you anything else, because Lisa will talk you if she ever feels comfortable enough to share that information. But please don't tell her that I told you about Liam. She might actually kill me. Or refuse to babysit or something, and I really depend on her."

"You.. don't have to worry. Uh, thank you, for being honest with me."

She nodded, "Yeah. Thanks for listening to what I had to say. I just don't want Lisa to get hurt more than she already has. It sucks though, because she could really use someone that makes her happy."

I turned to see Ark being picked up by the blonde we'd just been talking about. Lisa smiled, blowing a raspberry on her niece's stomach and making her giggle. Ashley's voice made my head turn, but it was low enough so that Lisa couldn't hear her. "Actually, I was wrong about what I said earlier. She hasn't shut everyone out. She's still herself with my daughter, and for that, I will always be thankful. My sister is a good person, but she can be a real bitch sometimes, especially nowadays. I want Ark to see Lisa in a good light."

"I've been around them for a while now and I'm pretty sure Ark adores Lisa. I don't think you have to worry about that."

She smiled lightly, tilting her head. "She adores you too, you know. Every time I pick her up from here and drive her home, the only thing she talks about is you. I'm not even exaggerating."

I smiled too, looking back towards the two blondes, Ark and Lisa, to see both of them facing us now. Ark was grinning at her aunt, while Lisa was watching Ashley and I with skeptical eyes. The smaller blonde scurried off into Lisa's bedroom, leaving her aunt to stalk towards us and narrow her eyes. "What are we talking about over here?"

"The shitty weather we've been having recently. Well, this is my cue to go. Goodbye my favorite sister in the world."

"I'm your only sister."

Ashley winked, smirking. "Funny how that works, isn't it? Goodbye Jen."

"See you later Ashley."

She started down the stairs, leaving Lisa to turn to me and narrow her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. She was wearing a tank top that hardly covered what it needed to, and I had a really difficult time meeting her eyes. She seemed to notice. "Do I need to wear multiple layers when I'm with you?"

I forced myself to look up, shaking my head. "One will do."

"What were you really talking about with Ashley?"

I bit my cheek, stammering. "I-Ark."

"Really? And if I asked Ashley the same question, that's what she would say?"

"Yes, I'm sure she would."

Lisa sighed and gave up, walking to the fridge to pull out a water bottle and eggs. I tried not to stare at her backside as she walked but it was extremely difficult, despite the talk I'd just had with Ashley.

"You're looking at me again," she said, cracking an egg in a bowl without looking back at me.

"Can you blame me...?" I muttered. Ashley's advice clearly wasn't working. In fact, the talk I'd just had with her was only making everything worse because she'd made me acknowledge whatever feelings I had for Lisa, and she had told me that Lisa liked me too.

Which couldn't be true, could it?

Lisa just raised her eyebrows, shook her head, and turned back to the stove.

And I stood by the door, having never been more conflicted in my life.