DELICATE ★ JENLISA

Chapter 37

"You don't have to make a decision right this second," June immediately reassured me, seeing my expression. It was completely blank. I should have felt something, anything, but I didn't. I wasn't angry and I wasn't disappointed; I just felt empty.

June's hand tentatively brushed over my shoulder, lightly shaking me. "Jen...?"

I shifted my focus to him slowly. I didn't let June's sympathy or disappointment pass through me as I stared at him, or rather, through him. I remained completely emotionless. Standing up, I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and mumbled, "I have to go..."

His brow creased as he stood up too. "What? Jen, listen to me—"

I started shaking my head, turning away from him and walking with increasing speed toward the doors. My head hung low because I didn't want to meet anyone's eyes, which was counter productive because I practically ran right into a tall, gorgeous blonde woman with the softest touch in the world.

"Hey, hey, Jen... slow down, where are you going?"

"I don't know, I just have to get out of here," I said, trying to brush past her.

Lisa blocked my path. "Okay, I get that, let me grab my bag and come with you. Please?"

I shook my head. "But I—"

"Please, Jen." She looked at me, and in that moment, I saw fear in her eyes. She was scared, and as I looked down at myself, I realized why. She saw how empty I felt inside. She thought I was going to do something stupid, whatever that might be.

So I nodded slowly, even though I wanted to be alone. She turned towards her seat but stopped short, finding Charles's attorney standing in front of her. His hands landed on her hips when she ran into him and a sly grin spread across his face. "Woah there, beautiful. Not so eager." He smirked, "I'm sure you liked what you saw up there but nobody finds desperation attractive."

My first thought was that we'd just been introduced to the biggest douchebag in the world. He and Charles suited each other perfectly. Lisa scowled and stepped back. "Get your filthy ass hands off of me."

"My apologies," he said, shifting his focus to me. "I forgot you're only interested in students."

I watched Lisa's eyes widen briefly before they narrowed and she tightened her fists. Charles's attorney flashed a smile. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." He brushed past Lisa and whispered, "For now."

Lisa turned and watched him back toward the doors. He spoke one last time, "But in my opinion, you're far too precious to be wasting yourself on a girl like her."

Then he disappeared.

Lisa's eyes shifted to mine and she shook her head. "Hey don't listen to him, okay?"

"I want to go."

She nodded, keeping her gaze on me as she backed up and grabbed her bag off of her chair. I started walking, knowing the press would be outside to shove their microphones in my face and she probably shouldn't be next to me.

"Jennie! How are you—"

"Knowing that Charles—"

"How do you feel knowing that—"

I finally got fed up with being silent and I grabbed one of the microphones. "How do I feel? How do I feel? I feel that the world we have created for ourselves is disgusting. I don't want to live in a world where people like Charles Carter are being defended. That's how I feel."

I shoved the microphone back into the woman's hand, pushing through them and starting down the sidewalk. I'd certainly found my emotions. My chest felt like it was constricting, the walls around my lungs quickly caving in. Now I was angry and to make matters worse, I couldn't breathe. It probably didn't help that at that point, I was running. A vehicle rolled up beside me after a while, and I didn't have to look up to know who it was. I didn't want to talk to her but I also didn't want to argue, so I silently got in the passenger seat and wrapped my arms around my knees.

"Jen—"

I looked at her very briefly. "Lisa I love you, but I honestly need you to be quiet right now." She opened her mouth as if to say something, but then she didn't, and I spoke instead. "Can you just take me somewhere we can be alone? Please?" I looked out the window. "My skin is literally crawling and I feel like there are reporters following us."

She nodded, starting towards her apartment. When she rolled up, both of our eyes met the group of reporters in front of her building. Lisa grunted, murmuring an incoherent string of words to herself. I tightened my fists into balls. "Why the hell are they in front of your apartment anyway?"

"They probably want to know why I didn't testify," she mumbled. She kept driving, letting out a sigh. Eventually she pulled into Ashley and June's driveway and I almost groaned. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be alone, or at the very least, alone with Lisa. I didn't want to be around two lawyers that would undoubtedly do nothing but talk about what was next.

Lisa unlocked the front door and we walked into an empty house. I sighed a breath of relief and found my way to the kitchen, conscious of the fact that Lisa was trailing behind me. I sipped water out of a glass, as if that would help, and watched her struggle with herself. She tried to keep her eyes off of me, afraid I would snap, but they always found their way back. I sighed, "I'm not a ticking time bomb Lisa, you don't have to do that. I said what I said in the car because I'm so drained and talking makes it worse."

She nodded slowly. "I know... I just feel like there should be something for me to do to make you... feel better... but..."

I finished her sentence for her. "There's not."

She frowned slightly, just as we heard the front door in the room over opening. I shook my head, immediately hearing voices and not wanting to have to deal with it. "I'm going to take a walk."

She went to stand up but I lowered my eyes and mumbled, "Alone." I found my way out the back door and I walked until I made it to the lake Lisa had taken me to months ago. It wasn't frozen now. I sat on the elevated section of the ground, looking down at the tiny ripples in the water. I stared at my reflection and saw a girl I hadn't seen in years. I hated her. She was all of my bad qualities. I looked into the water, into my eyes, and I couldn't find the girl that Lisa claimed to love. Instead, I found only my bitterness, my emptiness, my anger, and my sadness staring back at me.

Where was the love? The happiness?

Where had that gone?

I heard leaves rustling behind me and I turned to see Ark emerging from the opening, swatting at the branches in her way and kicking at the dirt. I quickly wiped at the corners of my eyes and tried my damnedest to form something of a smile as her eyes met mine. "Jen?" she questioned, squinting and walking towards me. "What're you doing here?"

"I just came for a visit," I forced out. I peered behind her to see that no one else was coming. She sat down next to me as I spoke. "What are you doing out here all alone?"

She frowned. Honestly, I had thought that the smile etched on her face was permanent, but it appeared not. "Mommy and Daddy are fighting and Aunt Lisa's really sad. I didn't want to be in there anymore."

I set her words to the side, nestled in the back of my mind. I realized both of the reasons Ark was out here were probably because of me. She looked at me suddenly, seeming frustrated. "Why does everyone do that?" She gestured towards my face. "You're not happy either, but you're hiding it from me like I can't handle it."

"I'm not hiding anything, Ark."

"Yes you are!" She pointed at my eyes. "You look like you were just crying. Why do you have to fake a smile just for me?"

Wow, talk about an intuitive eight year old. I sighed. "Honest, Ark, I wasn't hiding that from you. I'm trying not to cry for me. I don't want to." I paused, looking down and trying to hold my shit together. "I want to be stronger than that."

Ark stared at me, swinging her legs back and forth over the water. "It's okay to be weak sometimes Jen. Even I know that." She reached up to my face, her small, soft hand brushing my cheek. "You can cry. I won't mind."

I turned, my eyes scanning over her innocent face. That was what made the tears fall— the fact that a kid as amazing as Ark would have to grow up in a world with so much crime and so little justice. I knew it'd never go away, that just wasn't plausible, but wasn't there something that could be done? Anything?

Ark leaned over and hugged me. I surprised myself when I found the amount of comfort that I did in her arms. She whispered after a while, "Why are you sad?"

"Because Ark, I have to make a decision and neither of my options are very good ones."

She thought for a moment. "Is that why Aunt Lisa's sad too?"

I nodded, because it was relatively true. Ark searched my eyes for a while, before she said, "Well which one is going to make you happier?" She added, "I like it when you smile."

I felt the tiniest portion of myself warming up. I thought to myself. Honestly, neither of the options I had would make me happy. Even if we went to trial again and won, I wouldn't all of the sudden be better. I knew myself, and I knew that even though I'd feel a bit safer, it wouldn't suddenly make me less screwed up. Charles had left a dent in me that would always be there, no matter what.

I looked over at Ark, pulling my lips upwards. "I'm not sure," I said. I stood up, pulling her with me. "Come on, your parents are probably worried sick about where you are."

She was reluctant but I tugged at her hand and after a few moments, she got up and followed me towards the house. When we made it to the backyard, Ashley's worried eyes met ours. She scooped Ark up in her arms and started to scold her about never scaring her like that again. They went inside but I lingered by the step where Lisa was sitting. I lifted her chin up. "I'm sorry that I don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

Her green eyes burned into mine as she shook her head, about to speak. I spoke before she got the chance. "I know, I know, I shouldn't be apologizing. But I needed to, for me."

She chewed on he lower lip, nodding. "It's okay."

"Ark said June and Ashley were fighting," I said, eyeing her. "Is that my fault?"

Her silence gave me my answer. After a while, she responded, "Ashley doesn't agree with offering Charles another plea deal, especially not one with a misdemeanor charge."

I nodded. "What do you think?"

Lisa sighed, resting her arms on her knees. "I don't know what to think. I think Charles deserves to be in prison for far longer than a month or a couple of months. But the jury was hung today. Clearly there are people out there that believe Charles is a good person, and I think a couple of months is better than none at all."

She turned her head to look at me. "Not to mention, I can't stand to see Charles's attorney push you to your breaking point up on that stand."

"I can't stand to let him..." I murmured.

She stayed quiet for a few moments, before meeting my eyes again. "June, Ashley and I can all tell you what we think, we can all give you advice, but you know you the best Jen. This is your choice, nobody's going to blame you if you don't think another trial is worth it."

"I know nobody's going to blame me. I don't think I can make it through another trial, but I feel like giving up like this is so.. so weak..."

She shook her head. "Don't think like that."

"What if we offer Charles a plea deal and he doesn't accept it? Then what? He just walks free? That's giving up. That's weak."

"Stop saying that," Lisa said. "Putting yourself through another trial does not make you strong. You should if you think it's the best thing to do, but if you think giving Charles one last chance and then walking away from it all will benefit you the most in the long run, then do that."

I put my head in my hands. "I don't... I don't know."

"Everything is happening really fast. Give yourself some time to process what happened today before you decide anything, okay?"

I nodded, lifting my head up briefly before settling it on her shoulder. She wrapped an arm around me and exhaled deeply. After a long while of silence, she whispered, "If you need space from me... you can just say it..."

My eyes snapped to hers and I shook my head. "I would tell you," I said. "I just wanted to be alone earlier, that doesn't mean I need space from you. Lisa, you're the one thing keeping me going..."

She nodded. "I just wanted to make sure that—"

"You can always be sure of that," I interrupted her. "Always."

She smiled.

I think that, maybe, just maybe, I did too.

***

After so long of wishing that it would happen, Charles going to prison seemed so anticlimactic.

On the fourteenth of June, we offered him the plea deal. I had decided that we had to at least try, and if he didn't accept it, I'd consider going to trial again.

On the sixteenth, Charles had accepted it, pleading guilty.

I think all of us were surprised, me especially. I never in a million years expected Charles to turn himself in. Even with a lowered charge, going to prison would alter his life forever, so June said. It all felt so strange. Charles, Charles Carter, would be going to prison.

On the thirtieth, he did.

The first week felt amazing. I wasn't a high school student anymore and my life wasn't being dictated by someone else. For the first time in a long time, I was able to spend my time with Lisa like she meant something to me. She did, obviously, but I'd had a hard time showing that to her with Charles around. With him in prison, it seemed a hell of a lot easier.

The bliss of that week seemed short lived. As days passed, the knowledge that Charles would soon be getting out of prison overwhelmed me. He had a six-week sentence. My freedom lasted six weeks. That was it, and it seemed like instead of enjoying those six weeks, I spent them dreading what was to come.

It was the middle of August when he was released. It was publicized, of course, and I sat on Lisa's couch feeling like my world was crashing down around me. That safety, that security those six weeks had given me, it was gone.

And I wasn't sure if I'd ever get it back.

Lisa lied on the couch with her front pressed into my back, one arm slung around the front of my body. Charles emerged from the low-security prison in his normal clothes with none other than Cate next to him. Reporters swarmed him, all begging to get a response. He smiled, smiled, and answered the questions one at a time. "I fully intend to bring one of the best businesses in this country back to its full potential," he said. "And I hope that maybe one day Jennie and I will be able to fix our relationship with each other."

Part of the plea deal had been a termination of the adoption, so he was only saying that to boost his credibility. As if, at this point, he could do that.

Knowing him, he'd probably find a way,

I picked up the remote and turned the channel to something else. Seeing how tense I was, Lisa pressed her lips to the skin on my neck just below my ear. "You're still safe," she whispered. "He's not going to hurt you anymore, Jen."

I found myself shaking my head, like I didn't believe her. She sighed, her warm breath hitting the back of my neck. "We could get a restraining order, I'm sure, if it'd make you feel better."

This time I nodded. She couldn't see my face but I didn't want to turn around. I pulled her arm farther around me so that our embrace was tighter, so that for the night, I felt secure. I got up in the morning without waking Lisa and dressed myself, starting towards the grocery store. I didn't have a plan when it came to what I was actually doing with my life; I just knew that I didn't want to work there for the rest of it. I figured I'd take some time away from school and then maybe go for a degree.

A degree in what, I had no idea.

The day passed pretty slowly. Max had given me a lot more hours for the summer, which I was thankful for, and my shift ended at five today. A woman approached me just before then, looking for help. I directed her to the aisle she was looking for and then sent her off, turning around and bumping into someone.

"Sorry sir—" I began to say, before freezing dead in my tracks. I immediately recoiled, finding that Charles was gripping my wrist, whether intentionally or not. My eyes scanned up the length of his body, knowing it was him before I even saw his face. He was with someone, a man that I guessed he worked with, but all of his attention was on me. His steel eyes blazed into mine, anger emanating off of him in waves.

I pulled my wrist out of his grasp and started to back away, my body trembling already. Before I turned the corner, I saw him mumbling a few words to the man he was with. Then I heard his footsteps behind me. I pushed into the supply room and then out the back exit, grabbing my bag on the way.

Knowing he was following me, I ran.

I couldn't imagine what would happen if he caught me. I had sent him to prison and ruined his business. And I thought he could get angry before; I was in for it now.

I ran towards Lisa's apartment without a clue as to whether or not he was still following me. As I neared her place, I fell so much deeper into the dark, endless hole that Charles had reopened for me. My emotions were running rampant, my body was physically shaking and I realized just how tired I was. I had the oddest sense of deja vu, like I'd done this before. I ran away from Lisa's apartment then, suddenly worried about her safety. I didn't want to have to do that.

When would it stop?

I ran until I had no idea where I was. I slowed to a walk, my heart pounding against my chest. I needed to go. Away from Charles, away from this damned place, away from all the bad memories. I wasn't keeping track of time as the sun began to fade and larger buildings started appearing. I suddenly recognized where I was; Lisa had pointed it out on our drive to Lia's house. This was where she and her mom crashed. Not far from here, I remembered, Liam and his girlfriend lived.

What was I doing? The town that I needed to leave behind was the home of not only the woman I loved, but her family that I'd come to know. The only thing I was sure of was that I needed to do something, go somewhere that wasn't here. I couldn't ask Lisa to leave her job and her family to follow me wherever it was that I was going, but I also couldn't just ditch her. That being said, I couldn't wait long enough to figure out what we were going to do.

I clutched my head and stopped moving. Was this what a panic attack was? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think without it hurting. I sat down on the curb and closed my eyes, trying to regain composure. It seemed impossible. I couldn't stop the trembling, the shaking.

It was horrible.

When I opened my eyes, I exhaled and looked around. It was almost dark now, but I could still make out the building Lisa had pointed out to me. I let my thoughts overwhelm me as I saw her face over and over again in my mind. I heard her voice saying, Liam put me in a dark place, one that I'd probably still be in without you. If I left tonight, if I disappeared, just for a little while, what would happen to her? Would she shut down again? Turn back into the woman I'd known in October?

Would she be okay?

No, I realized. I was almost sure the answer was no. But maybe, I thought, if she had her brother, it would be alright. I stood from the curb, forcing my body to control itself as I walked up to the front door. I knocked twice and then waited until it opened. Liam stood there, staring at me and I suddenly had no idea what to say.

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, hi? You're.. Lisa's... friend, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're her shitty brother, right?"

He snorted, seeming both amused and put down at the same time. "Yeah that's me."

I sighed. Getting pissed off because of the blame he put on her shoulders wasn't going to help me at all. I just wanted to make sure that Lisa would be okay if I did decide to just... go. Making sure she didn't worry about her mom was the first step in doing so, and to do that, I needed to somehow convince Liam to stop acting like an asshole.

A woman's voice sounded from up the stairs behind him. "How long you going to keep me waiting, Dave?"

Liam looked expectantly at me. "I'm, uh, kind of in the middle of something. Do you want to tell me why you're here?"

I took a deep breath, steadying my voice. It begged to shake. "I don't know if you know uh, anything about me—"

"I watch the news," Liam said. His eyes lowered. "I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you."

"I'm not looking for pity," I answered, "but then you obviously know that there's a pretty big reason as to why I don't want to be around here anymore. I need to go... I have to get out of here, clear my head.. I don't know, but I'm worried about Lisa, like, really worried."

"I don't see what that has to do with me—"

"You're the reason I worry about her, Liam. She thinks about your mom enough, she doesn't need you to make her feel worse about it. She told me that I'm the reason she isn't doing so bad anymore, and I'm worried that if I leave and you continue to blame her for something that happened in the past...—"

Liam's mouth fell open a little bit. "You're leaving her? Look Lisa and I have our shit, but after Peter I don't think she can handle that—"

"N-no! I'm not leaving her, I love her, I just... I have to go.. like right now. I just need a promise that you'll act like a fucking brother is supposed to act."

He shook is head "I'd love to promise you that, but Lisa and I have a lot of problems with each other. They're not just going to go away."

I glanced behind me into the darkness. It was difficult to focus on the conversation I was having with Liam because I was hearing noises behind me and I was convinced Charles was going to show up out of no where. Those eyes, those fucking steel eyes that burrowed into my soul, I saw them everywhere. I saw them when I closed my eyes and I saw them in the darkness, even when Charles wasn't really there.

Oh no, I thought, not this again.

The panic attack I'd just been having seemed to be making its appearance for a second time. I looked at Liam, who was very curiously eyeing me, and I tried to focus on breathing every couple of seconds. I tried. I'd tried to take care of her. If Liam didn't want to stop acting like an asshole, that was on him. I had to go.

I turned away from him and started down the street, my world spinning. It had never been like this before. I felt crazy. I felt like those people the movies portrayed, like the loons with voices in their heads. That's what Charles did to me, and the justice system didn't care. Six weeks, it gave him.

Six fucking weeks in a low-security prison for permanently damaging my head.

I heard Liam calling my name but I didn't care as my feet carried me away from him. I ran until I found a taxi and slid in the backseat, telling whoever was in the front to just drive. The car started moving, eventually pulling onto the Brooklyn Bridge. The traffic was heavy and the taxi came to almost a complete stop in the middle.

"Where we off to, Miss?"

I looked up and my eyes connected with a man. I didn't know him, I was sure of that, but as I stared at him, I realized maybe I did. Charles? Same eyes, I thought. Those same damn eyes. My heart started beating again, in such a terrible way as I scrambled to pull money out of my wallet. I threw it into the front and then pulled the car door open, already half way out as the man yelled, "Miss! You can't get out here—"

I slammed the door, running through traffic to the right side of the bridge. My head was pounding. Maybe I was crazy. I knew that wasn't Charles. The driver was a man I'd never met before, but what worried me was the fact that I saw Charles and I couldn't convince myself that it wasn't even though I knew.

I felt like I could topple over the side of the bridge at any second now, but the metal fence guarding the edges prevented me from doing so. Honestly, all I wanted to do was scream. I needed to get it all out. So I did. I screamed a string of curses with Charles's name mixed in there somewhere until my voice was sore. I was so tired of him owning me. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I slid my bag off of my back, taking out my phone. I had gotten a few texts and I had no doubt who they were from. I tried to text back, to tell her that I was okay, but my hands were trembling too much. I spent a long while staring at my phone, and after a couple of minutes, I realized it was Charles's. This phone was his. He'd given it to me.

I chucked it over the side of the bridge with little to no hesitation. I couldn't care less about the cost, and I couldn't think about the fact that Lisa was probably worried sick. I dug through my bag, taking out everything else that belonged to Charles and throwing it over the fence. Eventually, I realized that even the bag belonged to him. He'd made me get a new one. I tossed it over, watching it hit the water and then sink.

I turned, pressing my back against the fence and falling to the ground.

I'd never felt like this before.

I had officially hit rock bottom.