DELICATE ★ JENLISA

Chapter 20

~Lisa~

Jen's chest rose and fell slowly, the warmth of her breath tickling my neck as I opened my eyes and looked down at the brunette in my arms. Her own arms were wrapped around my waist, and I probably could have pried them off without waking her, but I didn't want to. I wanted to lie in bed with her and enjoy it, because it'd been a while since I had felt such a wonderful feeling.

The fact that she trusted me enough to tell me something that I knew she didn't tell anyone, or at least very few people, could not possibly mean more to me. I'd wanted to know what happened to her parents since the second night she'd stayed in my apartment, but I didn't want to ask and make her uncomfortable. I knew what that was like all too well, and I did not want to bring those feelings upon anyone else. Her complete honesty was something I hadn't expected, and finding out she had had a sister was difficult because I could see how much of a toll her family's passing had taken on her.

When she kissed me last night, I was more than conflicted. I needed her to know how much I wanted to kiss her back, but I also needed her to know that her and I couldn't happen because I was too fucked up in the head. Honestly, I barely thought about the fact that she was my seventeen year old student anymore, which was arguably a bad thing, but nevertheless. I was more focused on the fact that I couldn't be the person she needed to help her sort through her issues. The best I could do was provide her with company and a place away from Charles until she was able to live on her own. She needed to find someone that would always be in the right mind set to make sure she was okay, and that wasn't me.

I let myself have yesterday night with her mainly because she asked, but I knew I'd have to disappoint her eventually. Often I managed to push what happened with my mother out of my head, but then there'd be weeks at a time when it was all that I could think about. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't control it and I knew that trying to work it out with a therapist like Ashley suggested wouldn't do anything to help me either. That wasn't me just being my stubborn self; there really wasn't anything anyone could say to get myself out of my head.

The only thing that might've helped me was if Liam ever decided to actually speak to me without fucking with my head, but it'd been two years and the only two times I'd seen him since my mother died had been on Thanksgiving, which Ashley hosted. He only ever made me feel worse when I saw him, and since the event was rapidly approaching, I was worried. I was worried that he'd take me to a really bad place and I'd snap at Jen, and she'd regret confiding in me.

I didn't want there to be any regret when it came to her trusting me.

I let my eyes rest on her face again. She hadn't been in such a good state last night, but the tears were now gone and her hair was smooth due to the amount of times I'd run my fingers through it. She looked more peaceful than she usually did during her sleep, which made me happy. I didn't want to get up and leave her alone in bed after last night, even though I know we had both assumed that our kiss was a one time thing, so I settled against the headboard of my bed and closed my eyes again. There was still plenty of time before we had to go to the school, and I was going to enjoy this for as long as I possibly could.

I woke up an hour or two later without Jen pressed against my body. My heart sunk because I knew that we would probably never do that again. I checked the time and got out of bed, showering and slipping a fitting blue dress and a belt on. I found Jen in the kitchen, dressed in red jeans, a white sweater and a red beanie. Her hair was pushed forward and she honestly looked amazing, but that was probably just my clouded judgement talking.

"Morning," she said, taking a sip of her coffee and scribbling something down on a piece of paper. I was unsure how to go about the situation. Was she going to be disappointed that I'd kissed her back last night, but still couldn't be with her? She seemed.. fine, and she didn't at all seem like she was planning on bringing up the night before.

"Morning.. how are you doing?"

She looked up, folding her papers and tucking them into her bag. "I'm fine. Ready to go? I made your coffee the way you like it."

I raised my eyebrows, letting my eyes roam until they found the steaming mug of coffee sitting on my counter. "You know how I like it?"

She smirked. "I've been watching you make it for the last month, I'm pretty sure I've got it down pat."

"Well, thank you." I picked it up, grabbing my keys and heading towards the front door. I took a sip and it was stupid, but I couldn't help but feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

She'd made it perfectly.

Both of us stayed silent on the ride to school, and when I pulled into my parking space, she smiled at me and then hopped out, immediately walking into the school.

She was keeping her word. She really had only wanted one night.

Or maybe she just didn't want to be disappointed by me like she had been the previous two times we kissed, so she was letting herself be the one to pull us away from each other.

I sighed, stepping out of the car and making my way to my classroom. The day passed as slowly as it usually did, until I found myself standing outside of the building while I waited for the buses to leave and give me my freedom to go home. Jen walked out of the main doors next to Cara, talking effortlessly. She wasn't forcing anything today; their conversation, which I couldn't hear, was natural.

My eyes burned into the back of her head as they walked to Cara's car, before Jen waved and started her walk to the grocery store. I knew I had no right to be jealous, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted her to only want me, which was stupid because I also wanted her to find someone that could always be there for her. She deserved at least that. Cara seemed sweet enough, and I knew that she was able to make Jen smile occasionally. So why wasn't I able to accept the growing connection between the two?

As soon as the buses were gone, I got into my car and drove to Ashley's house. She had texted me saying she wanted to talk, which meant one of three things. I'd either be scolded about doing something with Ark, she'd get soft with me and try to talk about our mom, or she had fucked up and needed to tell me about it.

All three were highly likely, so I wasn't sure what to expect.

I pulled into her driveway and knocked, letting her open the door for me. She did so and muttered a quick hello before guiding me to the kitchen. We spoke briefly for a little while as I watched her glance at her laptop and scribble things down, until she finally set her work aside and looked at me.

"I have to tell you about something... well, two things actually, both pertaining to Liam."

"Great," I muttered. "I'm interested in this conversation already."

"I think we could do without the sarcasm Lisa, I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you."

"Have at it."

She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, well... the first thing is.. uh, I invited Liam to Ark's birthday party. I know I said I wouldn't because of the shit he started last year, but she is his niece too, and he does love her. I told him if he started anything with you I was sending him home.. just.. don't be mad, please?"

I let my cheek rest in the palm of my hand, sighing. "I'm not mad at you, I knew you'd still invite him anyway. I actually want to talk to him Ashley, but every time I try to do so, he stands me up or makes me feel like absolute garbage."

She nodded. "And he's not going to do that this time, I promise. If he does, he's going to fucking hear it from me and Peniel. He's not starting shit with you at my daughter's birthday party. Or at all for that matter. I know what he does to you, and I'm not going to let that happen this year."

I rolled my eyes. "Good luck with that Ashley. This is Liam we're talking about, remember?"

"I know who we're talking about."

I just shrugged and looked away. She spoke me up again. "The other thing.. is uh, probably something you care a bit more about."

I looked at her and waited for her to speak again, before she did. "I may... or may not have.. told Jen about Liam."

I blinked at her before narrowing my eyes and leaning across the table, putting my fist down. "You fucking did what?"

"Before you get mad, let me just say that I only said something because I could tell she was really worried about you... and I know she's just about the only person you talk to besides me right now. What happened to Jackson, by the way?"

"Don't fucking change the subject Ashley," I bit, narrowing my eyes. "What did you tell her and when?"

"Last weekend... when I was picking Ark up. I was... talking to her, and I may have let it slip that Liam put the thought into your head that mom's death is your fault. That's all I said, okay? I'm sorry. But... is it possible that you might ever... confide in this girl? I know you like her."

"Liam didn't put the thought into my head, Ashley, stop fucking saying that. It's the truth, okay? And I would believe it no matter what he thought about me. He just makes it worse." I paused, breathing heavily and re-opening my eyes. "But no, I won't tell her what happened Ash, because she doesn't need to know and if I tell her, things will change. I can't be in a relationship with her and I don't want to give her false hope, which is what talking to her about it will do."

"How in the hell would it give her false hope?"

"Because apparently for her and I, confiding in one another leads to kissing, and I can't kiss her again. Can we go back a minute so I can have a reason to slap you across the fucking face? Seriously Ashley? Of all people, you tell Jen?"

She held up her hands. "I'm really sorry, okay? It was a dick move, and it was really shitty of me to do."

I sighed, "Yeah, it was. What uh.. what did she say?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Uh... I don't remember. I think she said something about you being pissed off at her."

"Course she did," I muttered. "This was last week you said?" Ashley nodded and I thought quietly to myself.

Was that why she told me about her family? Because she wanted me to open up to her too?

"I know I'm not really in a good position right now to be asking favors of you, but I do need to request something."

"You've a lot of nerve, you know that?"

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask yet."

"It doesn't matter," I mumbled.

She rolled her eyes and continued. "Ark really loves Jen."

I looked up. "Uh... yeah... they've.. gotten close, I guess."

Ashley nodded her head. "There's no uncertainty about it. I asked Ark what she wanted for her birthday a little while ago, and she told me that she just wanted Jen to come to her party. I told her that that wasn't really a present, and she said, and I quote, 'Well that's the present I want and I don't want anything else but that.'"

I smiled a little bit. "Sounds like her. What do you want from me?"

"I need you to bring her to the party. I know you're pissed at her or whatever-"

I shook my head. "I'm not, anymore. I'm just.... frustrated. Not even with her, just with our situation."

She eyed me strangely. "Okay? Well I do want Ark to be happy and apparently having Jen at the party will do that. Would you mind?"

"A little, yeah. I had kind of planned on staying away from Jen for a little while, at least, as much as I can while living with her. I need to distance myself, and fast."

"It can't be that hard to stop yourself from kissing her?"

I sighed. "You have no idea Ashley. She has this fucking power over me. I can't explain it."

"Damn. Are you in love?"

I widened my eyes. "Holy shit, no. I'm not. I just.... need some space from her, is all."

"Well as long as you're living with her, you're not really going to get that. Especially not since you're sleeping in the same bed as her, Lisa. I assume, anyway. I highly doubt one of you is sleeping on the floor. So... you might as well spend a little extra time with her at Ark's party?"

"Look, I don't even know if she can go. She usually has to work on Saturdays."

"Well at the very least, can you please ask? And not the bullshit kind of ask that I know you do, really ask her, without a negative connotation either. Okay? Please let her know that Ark wants her to go, and you do too. I'd love you forever?"

"Oh please. You already do."

She rolled her eyes. "Can you do this for me? I just want to make Ark happy."

I sighed. "I'll try I guess. You know, I kind of wish you were this intent on making me happy.."

"Lisa... come on, how are we back to this? I told you, Liam is her uncle, she loves him, and it's only fair to her to invite him. You don't have to talk to him."

"I don't, but I'm sure he'll talk to me. That's what I'm worried about, especially if Jen will be there."

"I'll keep him away from you, I promise. Are you going to ask Jen or not?"

"Yeah," I muttered, sighing. "Whatever. You own me one. Next time I piss you off, you don't get to bitch me out about it. Got it?"

"When do I ever do that?"

I merely narrowed my eyes and she laughed a little. "Okay, point taken."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my chair, watching Ashley turn back to her laptop as I picked at a blueberry muffin and thought to myself.

More time with Jen was just what I needed.


The day of Ark's birthday party approached quickly. It was that Saturday, later in the day, but I realized when I came back from the gym that Jen was still in my living room on her phone. She was texting, smiling, and quite noticeably blushing, and I tried not to hate the conclusion that I was coming to in my mind pertaining to who she was texting.

"Hey," she said, looking up at me briefly.

I nodded, setting my stuff down and walking over to her to sit on the edge of the coffee table. "Hey, no work today?"

"Nope, there's no new shipments." She eyed me strangely, setting her phone down. "Everything okay?"

I scratched the back of my head, leaning back. "It's Ark's birthday tomorrow... she's turning eight. Her.. party is today. I was wondering if you wanted to go."

She stared at me for a while before tilting her head. "You want me to go to a party, where your family and probably your friends will be?"

"Just family," I muttered. "But uh, yes. Ark told Ashley that she wanted you to be her birthday present."

She smiled, her eyes lighting up in such a beautiful way as she laughed. "What?"

Her smile brought a smile upon my face as well. "In other words, she'd really like for you to be there."

She raised an eyebrow. "And you're okay with that?"

I bit my cheek. "Well, it isn't up to me. You should come because you mean a lot to Ark, and... I think she means a lot to you, if I'm not mistaken."

She looked back down at her phone. "She does mean a lot to me. But I don't want to go if it's going to make you uncomfortable."

I sighed, thinking about the talk I'd had with Ashley earlier in the week. "It won't. I want you to go too. What do you say? It's in an hour and a half."

She raised her eyebrows, looking down at herself and gesturing to her lazy appearance. "You could've at least given me a little more notice."

"You look beautiful."

Her eyes snapped up to meet mine, and I quickly choked on my words. "I mean... uh, it doesn't really look like you have to change.. you uh..." I stuttered, trying but failing to fix my wording. She stared at me but I looked down, unable to meet her eyes, and after a while, she stood up.

"Well.. I'm going to go get ready now.."

I just nodded and continued to stare at the floor until she was out of the room. Eventually it was two thirty and Jen and I were in my car, driving to Ashley's house. There was a thick silence hanging in the air between us, and I wanted to break it, but I wasn't sure if I had a filter today and I didn't want to take anymore chances when it came to saying the wrong thing. I wasn't sure how I'd made her feel before, but I knew that at the very least, I shouldn't have said it.

I pulled into Ashley's street for the second time that week, parking behind a bunch of cars. Luckily for her, it was a nice temperature outside, even for November, and it was sunny. Jen and I made our way around to the backyard, where around twenty five other people were standing around talking. Children scurried around them, and my eyes searched the backyard until they found Ark by the bouncy house.

Jen and I made our way over to her, and I jogged forward, picking Ark up and twirling her around, immediately making her laugh and pound on my back to let her down. "How old are you again? Twenty-one?"

Ark laughed, trying to steady herself. "I'm eight Aunt Lisa! Get it right!"

I smiled, ruffling her hair. "I'm just joking with you Ark. Happy birthday kid."

The blonde turned to Jen, her eyes lighting up even more than they already were. "Jen! You came!"

Jen laughed, hugging her. "Wouldn't have missed it Ark. Happy birthday."

Ark dragged Jen off, allowing me to go find Ashley. I headed for the house, immediately seeing her pressing on the chest of my brother. Liam's icy eyes met mine and narrowed, and I tried to look away, but I couldn't. He attempted to move towards me but Ashley pushed him back, muttering a few words to him that made him reluctantly turn around and enter the house.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Ashley turned and made her way over to me, eyeing me warily. "You okay?"

"He hasn't completely diminished my mood by telling me how much of a stupid fuck up I am yet, so yeah, I'm alright."

She sighed. "There's no yet. He's not going to do that this time. I'm working on making sure of that."

I raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does that mean?"

"Peniel's keeping him away for now."

I sighed. "Ash, come on, he shouldn't have to do that. He should be spending time with Ark."

She waved me off. "He spent all morning and afternoon with her. Besides, she's too busy playing with the girl you're not in love with over there." Ashley nodded and I was about to turn my head in that direction when I processed what she said.

"Ashley," I said, my voice hardened.

She smirked. "Yes?"

I just groaned and turned to watch Ark pulling on Jen's hands, trying to get her to enter the bouncy house. Jen continued to smile and shake her head, before she mouthed something to Ark and the eight year old smiled and scrambled into the bouncy house with the other kids. "She's cute. Seriously, you can see her dimples from all the way over here-"

"Can you not? I'm trying not to think about how cute she is."

"Or you could just embrace it."

"No I can't Ash."

"You could. You just choose not to."

I turned away from her, muttering over my shoulder. "Aren't you supposed to discourage illegal activity?"

She put a hand on my shoulder, reeling me back in. "No, actually, that's not in my job description. What I can do is try to keep you out of jail for having sex with her though." She flashed me her signature smirk and I just narrowed my eyes.

"Are you done?"

"You guys used a condom right?"

"Okay now that's just a stupid fucking question Ashley."

She laughed. "I'm kidding, chill the hell out. Go have a brownie, loosen up a bit."

"Do they by any chance have anything in them to help me loosen up?"

She rolled her eyes. "This is a birthday party for an eight year old girl and her friends. What the hell do you think?" She pushed on my shoulder, shoving me towards the food table and teasing me one last time. "And get your girlfriend a plate too, she could use it."

I walked off and I actually did end up grabbing a bit of food, before walking over to where I saw my dad sitting alone and sliding into the chair next to him. It'd also been a while since I'd seen him. Our relationship was strained too, but he was still my dad, I loved him, and I knew there was nothing I could ever do to force him to stop loving me. His tired eyes shifted to mine, and he tried to smile. "Lalisa."

"Hey Dad."

He tugged me into a hug for a while, before pulling back. "How are you?"

I shrugged. "Not too good, honestly. But I'll live."

"Did Liam get to you?"

I shook my head. "No, Ashley is trying to keep him away. But I'm pretty sure it's inevitable."

"Don't let him get in your head-"

"You know there's nothing I can do to stop his words from affecting me. But it's okay Dad, I told you, I'll be fine."

He sighed and we sat in silence for a while, before making brief conversation about boxing. It was one of the main things my dad and I bonded over. I always used to watch it on tv with him, and he'd pretend to fight me afterwards, but it wasn't until recently that I decided to actually do something about it at the gym. After a while, I stopped my conversation with him to look up and see Jen standing by the edge of the table, a huge smile on her face.

"Hey, Lisa, Ark has something she wants to give to you."

I looked at her oddly because there was a mischievous glint in her eyes, and I tilted my head. "Well where is she?"

Jen smirked and pointed behind me. I turned just in time to see Peniel lifting Ark up so that she could bring a water balloon down over top of my head. I stood still for a few moments as the water spilled down my back, before resisting the urge to roll my eyes and chasing after Ark. Minutes later, we were both pretty soaked, and I returned to the table to find my dad and Jen talking to one another.

"Oh, uh, Jen, this is-"

"Your dad," she finished, smiling. "I know."

"You know, Jen, I've been speaking to you for maybe ten minutes at the most, but I can already tell you're a wonderful person." He looked back at me, before leaning in towards Jen to whisper, "And just between you and me, my daughter's eyes light up whenever you're around."

She blushed noticeably, but I decided to only address my dad's comment. "It's not just between you and Jen if other people can hear you talking, Dad."

He shrugged. "Agree to disagree? I'll be back, those lemon bars are calling my name."

I just shook my head and smiled a bit as my dad walked off, leaving Jen and I alone. "I'm going to go change, I'm a bit uncomfortable."

Jen's eyes burned a hole in my shirt. "I'd say that's a good idea. It's kind of..."

I looked down to see that it was fairly see-through now, even though it wasn't exactly a light color. "Yeah, I'm definitely going to go change."

I walked off, heading to Ashley's bedroom to borrow spare clothes. We were pretty damn close to the same size. I didn't fit in her jeans though so I slipped a pair of jean shorts on even though the weather didn't really call for it and headed out. I stopped by Ark's bedroom, just to look around, and I was unsettled by the photo of my mom, Ashley, Ark and I on her dresser.

I let myself walk into her room and shut the door, picking up the photo and sitting down on her bed. I traced the outline of my mom with my thumb, trying not to lose composure. I had hundreds of pictures of my mom but they were all buried away in the darkest corner of my closet, because I couldn't handle seeing them everyday.

The one picture that I was holding right now was hard enough to see.

The door opened after twenty minutes or so of me sitting there and I looked up to see Jen widening her eyes. "Oh shit sorry, was looking for the bathroom."

I just shook my head, trying to tell her that it was fine even though I wasn't really up for talking. I put the frame back on Ark's desk and stood up, glancing at Jen who was staring at me, quite clearly trying to figure me out. I could tell that she had assumed the woman to my right in the picture was my mom. "You know what helps?"

"What?" I muttered.

"Well, talking about it," she said, walking closer to me. "But you don't seem to want to do that at all, so I'd say.. focusing on.. you know, what you do have, as opposed to.. what you don't, because of something that happened in the past, helps. At least a little bit."

I stared at her as I shifted my body to lean against the wall behind me. I knew she was mostly hinting to the guilt she knew that I felt, but I didn't call her out on it. "Thanks... I try to do that... sometimes it helps. Sometimes.. it doesn't."

She leaned against Ark's dresser, nodding slightly. We looked at each other for a while before falling into silence. She glanced at the photo I'd just put down and then looked around. "This is definitely Ark's room."

I smirked. "What gave it away? Was it the race car bedsheets or the rainbow on the wall? Or the dollhouse?"

Jen laughed, her dimples reappearing. "All of the above, actually. She's certainly.. unique."

I laughed, forgetting all about Liam. "Oh, she's unique alright. I'd love to know how the daughter of two very passionate lawyers comes up with race car driver as her future profession."

She smiled. "I'm sure it'll change. Something tells me she won't be following in her parents' footsteps though."

I took in the happiness in her eyes and smiled back at her. The butterflies in the pit of my stomach were lighting up like crazy, and I couldn't tell if I hated it or loved it. I didn't know why, but the feeling made me feel like a teenager again.

Which was a little ridiculous, because I was in my mid-twenties.

And all I could think about was how beautiful the brunette in front of me was, and how broken my filter was today. "Ashley was right... you do have cute dimples when you smile."

She raised an eyebrow. "She said that?"

"Well she was mainly just trying to tease me, but yes. And she's right." I paused. "How come you hardly show them off?"

She looked down. "I smile sometimes."

"Like when you're texting Cara?"

The brunette looked up and stared at me for a while, multiple things clearly running through her mind. "Are you jealous?"

I muffled a sigh and shook my head. "No Jen, I have no reason to be jealous."

She moved a little closer, raising her eyebrow. "Oh, no? And why's that?"

"Well for starters-"

Her attitude had completely shifted just like that, into one... I didn't think I'd seen yet. She pressed her finger to my chest, right where my heart was. She had a mischievous glint in her eyes. "See... because I think you're thinking one of two things right now. Either you're doing what I think you're doing and denying the fact that somewhere in that tiny little heart of yours, you really like me, or you've already come to terms with it and you just think that you've got all of my attention."

"Jen-"

She stopped me again. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe Lisa, just maybe, all of my attention isn't on you. Maybe I like Cara."

I stayed quiet and she took one final step towards me, tilting her head. "Are you going to do anything about that?"

I tried to steady my breathing. "What do you want me to do?"

"A lot of things..." she lowered her voice and looked up at me, and I started to wonder how I'd gotten from thinking about my mom to this, whatever this was. "But you could probably start with kissing me..."

I watched her, growing anxious. "I thought we both understood that last week was a one time thing?"

She shook her head slightly. "I might have... that night, but some things have been said today that I don't think I can.. overlook. Not to mention, so far I think it's been a four time thing. What's one more?"

"You've been counting, have you?"

She shrugged, and it was just now that I was realizing how close we were. There was a tempting sparkle in her eyes and a slight smirk playing at her lips. I whispered, "What's gotten into you?"

Her smirk grew. "I don't know...." She paused, tilting her head and looking up at me. "Do I make you nervous?"

I stayed quiet as I watched her. I didn't know what was driving her to act like this, but I couldn't deny the fact that she was sexy. I was, however, aware of the fact that we were in Ark's bedroom when we should have been in the backyard. I was about to separate myself from her when she pressed her body to mine, her hand landing on my hip and brushing my skin where Ashley's shirt had ridden up. "Tell me something..." she whispered, "when I touch you.. here, do I make you feel the way that Jackson does?

I sucked in my breath, hardly managing to answer her. "No..."

"No?"

I shook my head. "Jackson's touch does not make it difficult for me to breathe..."

The gleam in her eyes returned. "But mine does?"

I let a breath of air escape my lips, closing my eyes briefly before re-opening them and looking at Jen. She was watching me, keeping her hand still on my hip. I nearly lost it when she bit her lip, whether intentionally or not. She spoke up, "You know-"

I couldn't take the tension between us anymore, and I cut her off by leaning down and capturing her lips between mine. She was obviously caught off guard, but it didn't take long for her to wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me back. I felt my heart jump and the skin on my neck tingle with Jen's touch, but I tried to clear my mind. I didn't want to think about anything. I didn't want to focus on anything but the taste of her lips. I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her into me, letting myself momentarily forget all of the things that I'd been telling myself for the past month and a half.

Aside from our night together in the hotel, the kisses that we had shared prior to tonight were timid and slow. I hadn't really gotten to see this side of her until now, but now that I had, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stop myself from letting us get out of hand.

But naturally, I didn't have to. The door swung open, bringing Jen and I out of whatever world we had just been in, both of us separating from each other hastily. Ark stood in the doorway, holding a cupcake and staring at us with wide eyes. Jen and I were too frazzled to speak, but eventually Ark smirked and gave us a knowing look. "I knew it!"

Jen took another step away from me. "What?"

Ark narrowed her eyes. "You were just kissing Aunt Lisa! You two are girlfriends!"

I looked at Jen, who looked at me with hesitance, and then directed her attention towards my niece. "Ark, we're not-"

Ark waved her finger. "Nope, I don't want to hear it. I was right."

I let my eyebrows furrow. "You were right about what?"

"Nothing Aunt Lisa." I narrowed my eyes, not enjoying the fact that I was being left out of conversations about me. "You guys missed cake. Come on!"

I just shook my head and started forward, deciding that the moment between Jen and I had passed. She seemed to agree and follow me, and though it wasn't awkward, I wasn't sure how to proceed with her. Was she going to make me reason with her about where our relationship stood? Or would she just let it be?

Ark led us out the door and Jen walked in front of us, turning down another hallway. I assumed she was looking for the bathroom, because she'd clearly gotten a little distracted in the first room she tried. Ark brought me out of my daze. "Why didn't you tell me? You tell me everything, Aunt Lisa."

I looked at her and sighed, seeing the innocence on her face. I did always try to be honest with her, and now shouldn't have been any different. "Jen and I have a difficult relationship Ark. It's hard to explain to a seven year old."

"I'm eight!"

I smirked. "Righto, kiddo, I forgot. Come on, I'm in the mood for cake."

"You're gunna have to sing to me on your own then, you missed it!"

I smiled. "Sorry about that."

"That's okay. I'm happy as long as I get to call Jen my aunt too someday."

I widened my eyes and looked down at her, but she had already scurried off into her backyard. I sighed heavily, sinking into a chair and letting the rest of the afternoon pass by with Jen's taste lingering on my lips. She was keeping her distance and entertaining Ark for now, but I had no doubt that what had just happened between us would have to be addressed.

It was just a matter of when.

Eventually the party came to an end and I bid my goodbye to Ashley and Ark. Jen followed me through the house silently as we pushed through multiple people, until I came face to face with my brother. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I immediately backed up into Jen's body. He wasn't going to do this now, especially not right after what had happened between Jen and I. I didn't want to shut down because of him, but then have Jen think it was because of her.

He spoke, "So glad you've graced us with your presence, Lisa, I'm sure mom would've loved to be here too."

I froze in my tracks and I could feel Jen's eyes on my back, but I couldn't look up. I already felt sick to my stomach. "I'm not in the mood jack-ass, and I'm leaving. Goodbye."

"You're not going to stay for the family picture? You know what, never mind, we're already missing one of us, what's one more?"

"Piss off Liam, I'm not doing this with you right now. Let's go Jen."

I pushed past him and all but ran to my car, getting into the driver's seat and releasing a heavy breath. Jen got into the car and I wasted no time in driving away from the house. I could feel her eyes on me, and I hated it. "What?" I snapped.

She looked at me and frowned, disappointment and hurt appearing on her face. I immediately felt like shit and I sighed, pulling over to the side of the road. I turned and looked at her. "I'm sorry Jen, you have to know that I'm not upset with you. Please, don't be hurt."

She leaned her head against her hand, her elbow pressing into the side of the car. "It's fine."

I stayed quiet, sinking into my seat and running a hand over my face. "This, this is why there can't be an us. You don't deserve to be the one that I take my frustration out on."

"Didn't you forget to mention that I'm seventeen and your student?" she muttered, merely raising my eyebrows.

I sighed. "Well that too."

"I respect that you don't want to be in a relationship with me, but why did you kiss me back?"

"I didn't say I didn't want to be, I said I couldn't be. I kissed you back because I wanted to, and somehow you force me to lose any control that I have over myself."

She stared at me, and I stared back into her now dark brown eyes. They were clouded, and I honestly couldn't tell what she was thinking. She looked as if she was going to speak, but then she decided not to, and I spoke up instead. "You know how... a while ago... you said you have a shitty sense of security?"

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion but nodded slowly. "Uh... yeah? Why?"

"Am I making that worse every time that I kiss you back?"

She stared at me for a while, before shaking her head. "Not by kissing me. The fact that you can't seem to make up your mind isn't what bothers me. It's the pushing me away thing for no reason that makes my shitty sense of security worse."

"I'm trying not to do that."

She sighed. "I know. And I can see that you have a lot of shit to deal with... inside of your head, and.. outside of your head. I'm not upset with you, I'm just a little frustrated."

"So am I.... but.. with myself, not you."

"You know you can just tell me not to kiss you and I won't, right?"

I bit my cheek. "I know. The problem with doing that, Jen, is that then I'll never get to kiss you again, and I don't know how I feel about that."

She shook her head, a faint smirk playing at her lips. "You're so fucking confusing."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I don't entirely mind trying to figure you out."

I watched the cars pass us, sighing. "You know I'm not... a challenge.. that you can eventually.. I don't know, conquer, right? I don't know if I'll ever be okay, Jen."

She pulled her eyebrows together but spoke, "Well I guess that makes two of us then. We're perfect for each other."

I let myself smile a little bit, looking over at her. "I want to be your friend, okay? Because that's all I can be, and I'd rather be something to you than nothing."

"Trust me, you are definitely not nothing."

I smiled again, looking down. "This is hard enough for me, and I don't want it to be hard on you too. I'll stop kissing you if you stop kissing me?"

She raised her eyebrows, disappointment only partially evident on her face. "After what happened today? Am I that bad of a kisser?"

I shook my head. "No, you're an amazing kisser... unfortunately. But I'm afraid that I'm going to take it too far with you. I hate not having control over myself, Jen, and this is serious."

"How could you possibly take it too far when we've already been there?"

"Because, I would think that having sex with a seventeen year old intentionally is a lot different than doing it unknowingly. Can I please just be your friend?"

She shrugged, looking away from me. "I guess. You realize we've tried this once before and it clearly didn't work out too well, right?"

"Well it needs to work out this time," I muttered, putting the car into drive. I sighed, and spoke again.

"Because I'm not sure how much more control I can lose... before I lose it all completely."