Yours Truly - Canis Minor

Losing control

Michelle:

Addie whispered "I know where mommy is." which evidently brought us here in the kitchen overlooking a map. But of course, she's 5 and Addie could only point towards a direction, but she couldn't pinpoint the location on a map. Finally, Addie fell asleep, and king Essian seemed reluctant to force her to do anything. His parental instinct definitely kicked in. He never knew she was with child when they got separated. Let alone twins, and they were trapped in the stars because of the punishment the god bestowed on them, their parents. After last night the king, Aster, and I talked about what my dream could mean. The king was stunned. At first, he didn't say a word. Yet, only starred at Addie. He didn't want to let go of her for a long time, even though she had fallen asleep. But after a while, he did bring her to bed and when he came back, the same stoic expression was still on his face.

"I've had dreams about me having children with Teumessian, but I always thought that was just a dream. Wishful thinking even. Never in a decillion years would I have imagined that I would be a father. A father of not 1 but 2 beautiful girls." We are all quiet. I feel hot flashes run over me as if I have a panic attack, but I push it down.

All this information is just too much. I'm feeling nauseated by it all. So I start going over the plan again, but I quickly sigh and lean into the living room wall. I feel like we've been working our asses off, but we haven't gotten anywhere.  Addie's map is on the floor, and I pick it up as I walk towards the dining room table and place it. It's a map of the stars, and it's almost identical to the sky above us at night. The king gets up and looks at it. "she says it's a map, but I don't get it," I whisper. 

"I do," the king says.  "The night is always different but also numbingly the same. But if you look closely, you can tell a lot by the night sky. You can tell where you need to go and the time. The earth orbits the sun, and it takes us 365 days to do so.  Then the earth also orbits on its axes. That takes us 24 hours. Nowadays, no one looks to the stars anymore, not like I do. It's home to me. Well, it was home to me. When I saw the drawing at first, I thought nothing of it, but now when I look closely it's not a map of the stars, but it's a time map." Aster gets up from his chair, mouth to the floor. He has been quiet the whole time. "intriguing," there it is his favorite word. The word always sends shivers down my spine, and I let it. To me, it has a deeper meaning.  

Asters circling the table as the king grabs a map of the lands.  "I would have to do some calculations just to be sure but give me a moment." I nod as I look at Addie's map, but my mind is already elsewhere. After all this time, he had no idea that Tuemessian was pregnant. And even though he knew of the moon goddess, he didn't know of her plan or who she really was to him. He said that they had been here for as long as he can remember. Even though he did know that she was, in a way, trapped like he was. He would have never thought she was the reason for him being here, or he was the reason for her being there. So he must feel guilty, even I feel guilty. But it's not his fault. It's no one's fault. 

I feel tears prickling in the back of my eyes and Aster's hand on my shoulder. It was a very emotional night, to say the least. Even after all the times that Teumessian partially reincarnated, she could never tell him that he was a father. I guess it's overwhelming to find out that you are a father. The king, on the other hand, didn't show any emotions. But I had trouble imagining the moon goddess or Addie as his daughter of Mod being his soulmate, and I just ruined everything.  It's just unthinkable. 

As my breathing gets ragged like I have run too hard for too long. Is this a panic attack? I think to myself. Realizing my part in all this seems to crush me. I'm having a hard time accepting my role. How strong everyone is and how weak I am. I am a failure in a room filled with gods. I know Aster is trying to come through our mind link, but I block him as I abruptly get up and walk towards the door. "I'm going to my office," I say using my alpha voice. If I didn't, I would have sounded weak; I'm sure of it on the edge of breaking.