A Caged Bird | Minjoon

60

jimin was in denial.

for so long, he convinced himself that namjoon would never actually leave— not without him, at least.

he didn't think he was capable of it.

selfishly, he didn't want him to be capable of it.

he had himself so convinced, that when the truth finally came forward, that namjoon was, in fact, leaving without him, it felt like a smack to the face.

...or maybe worse than that?

... a bullet to the head?

either way, it felt gut-wrenchingly awful.

and once that denial he had been clinging to passed,

jimin was just angry.

he was so angry and hurt, that he simply allowed himself to be angry for a while. he put any reminders of joon into a box in the corner of his room, and he removed his promise ring, which was something he hadn't done since namjoon had given it to him— not for more than five minutes, at least.

he continued on that way, acting resentful and ignoring areum and hoseok's calls when they tried to reach out to him.

and then the calls from his mom came that he, unfortunately, had to answer. he just pretended everything was fine so she wouldn't pester him with more questions and left it at that.

he had completely isolated himself from the world and it wasn't until he pushed— quite literally— everyone in his life away for him to start noticing what he had really done.

it took almost a full week of being angry and bitter for jimin's emotions to shift. it was only a matter of time before the delusion wore down, and jimin was finally left with the reality of the situation.

and he hated it.

because now he could finally see the truth.

namjoon didn't do anything wrong.

and it was all his fault.

everything.

and that wasn't a great feeling to be stuck with.

especially when he realized that he wasted almost all the time he had left with joon before he had to leave, being angry at him.

he was so stupid.

and he got sad.

so sad.

first, he started bargaining with himself.

he thought things like "if only i had been a better boyfriend, he wouldn't want to leave," or "what if i promised to be better, would he stay here?"

and those thoughts remained for days and eventually lead jimin to some sort of hopeless depression.

he felt so sad that joon was leaving. that was the true root of everything. and he was sad that joon hadn't come to him, yet, or tried to fix it like he had in the past— not that jimin deserved it, but it still hurt.

most importantly, though, he felt sorry for himself and was embarrassed for the way he had acted. he regretted it deeply and now all that was left for him to do was sit in that feeling.

the regret.

the loneliness.

and it was miserable.

it was clear that he had been having some sort of manic breakdown— he knew that. he was having so many emotions and he had no idea how to control them. it was embarrassing, really.

he had been so upset that namjoon was leaving him, he really was. he was still upset. but to have the reaction that he did was unlike him, and jimin knew it.

and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe, just maybe, this was a soft spot for him.

maybe he had felt the burn of someone leaving him in the past before and now that it was happening again, it dug deep for him.

he had some type of... trauma from his past experience.

from his father.

that would probably explain the intensity of it all. it's the only thing that made sense to jimin, at least.

not that the reasoning made it okay— at all. jimin knew that what he did was horrible. he regretted it all so much.

he wished he could just take everything back.

he wished that when namjoon had told him they could visit each other while he was away and talk on the phone every night, he just smiled and agreed.

sure, he wished namjoon had offered to let him come, but at the end of the day, it really didn't matter.

because it was clear to jimin now that visiting namjoon when he could, talking on the phone, anything was better than this.

he only wished that he had realized it sooner.

because now he was afraid that it would be too late.

he was scared that namjoon wouldn't forgive him this time.., and he was scared things would never be the same, even if he did forgive him. he was so terrified that namjoon wouldn't trust him anymore.

and even more so, jimin was scared that he couldn't trust himself anymore.

what would happen to him when joon would inevitably actually go off to school?

how would he react?

how would that feeling of really being alone sit with him?

just the thought of it almost made tears come to his eyes, so he figured that wasn't a great sign.

really, jimin didn't know what to do. he didn't know what the right decision was at that moment for himself.., or for both of them.

jimin wanted namjoon to go, but at the same time, he didn't.

namjoon wanted to go, but he also didn't.

it was complicated.

that was a good way to describe it.

"complication" jimin thought to himself,

"i sure am good at that, aren't i?"

he sighed, then shifted his position on his bed to sit up.

maybe he didn't know all the answers in that moment, but he knew one thing.

he needed to talk to namjoon.