Illicit Affairs

Chapter 18

Saturday, 22nd May 2021

She knocked gently on the door to the office, unable to see inside as the blind for the small window had been pulled down. She sighed softly, trying the door to find it was actually locked and she knew what she had to do.

"Addison?" she called out, knocking on the door again, "If you don't unlock this door, you know that I can."

She waited a moment and heard no response besides the sound of a something being thrown at the door. She groaned a little as she pulled a bobby pin out of her hair, using it to pick the lock on the door. It had been a while since she had done this, so it took a bit longer than usual, but she managed to get it unlocked and open the door.

"Throwing books isn't really appreciated, Addie," she said with a roll of her eyes as she picked the book she'd clearly thrown up off the floor and closed the door behind her.

"Who sent you here?" she heard as a grumble from the lump under the blanket of the couch.

"Alex Karev, he's worried about you. And I'm sure it won't be long until others start to come looking for you too," Meredith pointed out, meaning Addison's fiancé.

"Leave me alone, Meredith," Addison said with a huff, but Meredith wasn't swayed. Instead, she grabbed the blanket and pulled it off Addison, who lay there in her scrubs, her hair a mess and had obviously been crying.

"And leave you here like this? Not a chance," she said as she sat at the end of the couch, folding up the blanket, "Now talk to me, what's going on."

"Why do you care?" Addison said as she sat up on the couch, holding her legs against her and avoiding looking at Meredith.

"I've never once said I didn't care about you," Meredith said, her gaze fixed on Addison, "and for the record, I do care about you. And apparently, I'm the only one in the hospital who will pick the lock of your office door, so here we are."

"I can't believe you still do that," Addison said, shaking her head with a slight laugh.

"It's a handy skill, it's come in use many times. Not so much since you were last here," Meredith said with a shrug, playing with the hairpin between her fingers, "Now, Alex said you lost a patient? Is that it?"

"I mean, maybe. I lost the mother. The baby survived, but the mother, she was haemorrhaging, and it was too late," Addison's voice broke slightly, "and I know this happens a lot and I should be used to it, but it just hit hard this time."

"It's okay to be upset about it, just don't lock yourself away in your office so we know you're okay," Meredith said, tilting her head to the side a little with a small smile.

"It's not like that one time, Meredith. You don't need to worry every time I lock the door," Addison said in a quiet voice, looking over at her now.

"I don't think that's something you can promise me," Meredith said, looking down at her hands, "and if the door is locked, how am I supposed to be sure?"

"Other than the fact I know you're the only person besides maybe the janitor who can get in this office when it's locked? Did you think of that?" Addison asked, reaching her hand to gently nudge Meredith's shoulder, making her laugh a little and look back at Addison.

"You make a fair point," she said with a slight grin, "Well, Alex was concerned anyway."

"It's been a long week I think," Addison said after a moment of silence between them.

"A long, complicated week," Meredith agreed, her hand running over her face as she leant back more against the couch, "I know you think I'd be running away, going to England. That's not how I see it."

"How do you see it?" Addison asked, her voice calm as she watched Meredith.

"It's an opportunity. Here, everyone knows me as Ellis' daughter. I need to get away from her. Live my life. Sometimes, it's like walking on eggshells because if my mother were to find out anything that happened in the past seven months, well, you know. I'm surprised she hasn't come around raining hell knowing you're back here," Meredith said, finally looking back at Addison as she felt her gaze on her.

"I didn't even think of that," Addison said, raising her eyebrows, "I guess I just thought... I don't know. I forget about your mother, when I think about you, I just see you."

"Sometimes it feels like you're the only one," she said with a soft laugh, holding the folded blanket closer against her.

"Did you, well, did you get the letter?" Addison asked, biting her lip gently.

"I have it, I haven't read it, though," Meredith admitted, a slight frown on her face, "I didn't get a chance last night, and yeah..."

"It's okay," Addison said with a smile, "Just, I'm going back to California tonight, with Ryan."

"Oh," Meredith breathed out, and took a deep breath. Hearing that hurt more than she thought it would, "I'm happy for you, you know, he seems like a good guy."

"He really is," she said with a small smile, reaching her hand for Meredith's with a gentle squeeze, "I'll never forget about you, or the time we shared together."

"I don't think I could ever forget about you," Meredith responded in a murmur, squeezing Addison's hand back.

"Derek is a good guy, Meredith," Addison said, looking straight at her now, "And I can tell he loves you, and I know you love him. Don't push him away, let him make you happy."

"I thought you hated him," Meredith said with a slight frown in confusion.

"I was jealous of how happy he made you," Addison said with a sad smile, "but you're good for each other, you really are. It's killed him that he's done this to you, and even though Megan had her own secrets and didn't deserve an inch of Derek's honesty, he hated lying to her too. He really does love you, Meredith. He loves you more than I love you, I know that for certain."

"You said you wanted me, you did all of this because you wanted me," she said, more confused now.

"I may want you, I really, really want you... but he needs you, and you need him, even if you won't admit it to yourself. And I love you Meredith, I really do, but I don't think I'm in love with you," Addison explained, watching Meredith as she stood up off the couch and started pacing the room.

"I keep denying, I deny these feelings because I feel like I'm not good enough. It's just sex, that's all it is. I didn't think I could, or that anyone would want me to, commit, be with them. Be theirs and theirs only. I didn't think I was capable of love or being loved."

"I'll always be here for you, Meredith. Whenever you need me. But it's time we move on," Addison stood up as well now, approaching Meredith.

Meredith wrapped her arms around Addison's neck as the woman's arms encircled her waist, "I know. It hurts, but I know. And if that man of yours starts to misbehave, I'll come and show him what for."

Addison laughed softly and pressed a kiss against Meredith's forehead, "I expect nothing less. I should probably get going now, I'm glad you came to see me."

"You only had to ask," Meredith said as they embraced each other one final time, "I'll always be here if you need me, even if I'm across the world."

"And I'll always be here for you, Meredith. Whenever you need me. But it's time we move on, don't you think?" Addison said, stepping back now, "Go and find Derek."