love, or the lack thereof (p. davidson)

nineteen

"Yo dude shut the fuck up!" I whisper yell to Pete from across his bed and laughing as quiet as possible.

"My bad." He says laughing as well

We were higher then a kite and laughing our asses off at absolutely nothing. I sat opposite of Pete on his bed and held one of his pillows in my lap, while one of my hands held a half smoked joint.

"Your mom is gonna be so fucking pissed at us tomorrow." I say smiling like an idiot

"Nah dude she's fine, she's used to it." He says taking the joint from my hands and bringing it up to his lips.

I admire him as he puffs in the smoke and let's it slowly seep out from his mouth.

"Shae... can I ask you something?" Pete says placing the joint in the ash tray that sat on his bed side table.

"Yeah." I say gripping the pillow tighter

"Are you really that opposed to the two of us being together?"

I thought that the question would take me off guard, but for some odd reason it didn't. I sighed thinking of how to answer him.

"No... I don't know-

I pause taking a deep breath

"I guess I have some commitment issues and I get scared letting people in. Like shit my mom couldn't even stay committed to her own damn family."

Pete stays silent giving me a sad smile

"I don't know Pete I'm scared I don't want to walk out on someone like my mom did." I say trying my absolute best to not let the tears that were welling in my eyes to fall.

Pete places his large hand on my cheek, wiping away the single tear that slid down my face with his thumb.

I lean into his touch feeling immediate comfort.

"Shae I can tell you right now that you are nothing like your mom. If you were even a little bit like her you would have already up and left living with Claire, and you for sure as hell would not be living with me." He says kindly

I give him a small smile knowing what he was saying was true.

"Pete I'm scared." I say vulnerably

"I know you are but you are okay, you have me, my family, and so many incredible supportive friends around you."

More tears end up falling down my face. I had never felt more vulnerable yet safe in my entire lifetime. For as long as I can remember I relied and depended on myself and drugs for surviving. But throughout this I have realized that I depended on so much more.

"You promise you won't ever leave?" I say to Pete my voice breaking in the middle.

"I promise Shae I will never leave you even in your darkest moments."

I close my eyes taking in his words. I have never had someone say those words to me, until now.

I let the rest of my tears out and Pete immediately pulled me into a tight hug. My heart felt lighter as I cried into his chest. It felt safe, it felt like home.

-

My eyes flutter open and the memories from last night flood into my head like a rushing river.

Turning my head I see Pete sound asleep next to me. That's when I noticed the feeling of his arm wrapped tightly around my waist.

Last night was a feeling I never wanted to forget. For the first time ever I felt like someone truly cared about me. And that someone was Pete.