Timing Is Everything

Chapter 15

It's three am, it's cold outside. And you (I mean I) can't sleep. Is it from your (my) conscience talking to the skeletons you (I) keep. Every time- okay I'll stop.

I always burst into song lyrics, especially when I'm sleep deprived. It is three am though and FUCK is it cold outside and after trying for four hours, I still can't sleep. I've tried all of my can't-sleep rituals: listening to music, getting a glass of water, doing fifty reps of three different core workouts, trying to stay completely still for fifteen minutes straight. And now finally, here I am, sitting on the stairs of the front porch and finishing my fifth round of solitaire on my phone. I sigh and turn my phone off, putting it down beside me and falling backwards in frustration. While lying on the dirty, snowy porch I look all the way behind me and see Jay standing in the doorway.

"Can't sleep?" I ask while immediately sitting up. Jay closes the door behind him and sits down beside me.

"Nope. But I haven't tried doing fifty sit ups and various other ab workouts so..."

"I thought exercise would tire me out." I say, kind of embarrassed.

"I guess it didn't." He says while nudging my shoulder. I stare at my bare legs and pull down my baggy pj shorts and the sleeves of my hoodie. I was scared of it being awkward between us and I guess it kind of is.

"How are you, Jay?" I ask while staring at him. His hair is perfectly tousled and he's wearing his Kiss graphic t-shirt over blue plaid pajama pants. His eyes look grey from what I can see in the porch light and I force myself to stare at his nose instead (healed just fine).

"I'm fine, thanks to you." He tells me, giving me a sincere look I didn't know I missed until now.

"Uh, I mean how are you overall? Like, after everything that happened between us?" Oh no I'm too far into this awkward rabbit hole to come back out.

"Oh," He says in shock. I bite my lip and stare at my hands.

"You don't have to-"

"No, I think I should." Jay says. He grabs my hand and rests it on my lap. I look right into his eyes in surprise and see that sincerity mixed in with the kind of look you'd give a three-legged puppy.

"Jay-"

"Brook, I fucked up. I saw this picture of you and Alex holding hands and then went on a bender, completely forgetting about you. That's something I'll never ever do to you or anyone again. I've quit drinking and have taken your advice about 'getting my shit together'."

"I'm sorry I-"

"Brook, you have nothing to apologize for." Cue guilty nausea. "I'm ready to win you back." Cue eyes popping out of my eye sockets. "And I know you've already started moving on, but I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere with my trust issues."

"Jay, about that-"

"No, don't feel bad. I really hurt you and you have every right to make your own decisions."

"Well, I'm not as innocent as you're making me out to be, I mean-"

"I'm the one at fault and you shouldn't-"

"Jay, I have feelings for Alex." I say, the bottling up of guilt overflowing for the first time in my life. Jay's eyes widen and he stares at me, exactly the way I imagined. I hate myself. Oh does it feel good to get that off my chest.

"How long?" He asks, avoiding eye contact for the first time these past three minutes. I need to remind myself that this will all be over soon.

"I never felt anything for him while we were dating." I say with a bit too much anxiety. I take a brief breath before going on. "I felt uncomfortable when he would look at me for too long. He stalked me for fucks sake. But then the whole Old-Guy-kidnapping-me thing happened and we became friends. Just friends."