TW, mentions/talk of suicide.
Max put the pen down, he had written a journal entry but it looked more like a suicide note.
"Is it really worth going on? I mean, there's nothing really here for me. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and while I have Valentino, I can't help but wonder if that's enough. My mother's gone, my father's gone. I love Val deeply, but sometimes I question if that's enough to keep me going.
I've been grappling with these thoughts for a long time now. There was a time when I didn't think I'd make it past 14 or 15. I'm so broken that it feels like there's no fixing me. I want to be happy and provide Val with the love he deserves, but how can I achieve that when all I can think about is ending it all? Is it selfish of me to feel this way? Am I really so lost that my own emotions seem selfish and unmanageable? It's terrifying to think that I'm a complete wreck, and I'm not sure if I can change that.
Growing up, I was always anxious and afraid. I dreaded going home because of my mother's abuse, and I was terrified of school because I didn't fit in. I was always "different," and now I understand what they meant by that. I was quiet, awkward, and I struggled with my identity. I hated myself for being gay, for feeling like I didn't meet expectations. Those feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing have stuck with me, and it's like a constant ache.
It's painful to reflect on all of this, but I think the pain is starting to numb a bit. I wonder if that's a form of acceptance or just a new layer of detachment. Sometimes it feels like the numbness is all that's left, and I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I'm trying to hold on, to find something to live for, but it's hard when the past weighs so heavily on me. Valentino's support is invaluable, and I'm grateful for it, but it doesn't always seem enough to counterbalance the darkness I feel inside.
I need to find a way to make sense of all this and maybe, just maybe, find a reason to keep moving forward. It's a constant struggle, and I'm exhausted, but I owe it to myself—and to Valentino—to at least try. I hope that someday, I can find a semblance of peace or at least a spark of hope that makes all this worth enduring. For now, I'm just trying to keep going, one day at a time."
he was shocked that he could write that much, he didn't know thats how bad his brain was.
He was confused and hurt about his own feelings.
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The Change|| BxB
Misteri / ThrillerREWRITTEN - 2024. Meet Max Grover, an 18-year-old who decides to step into his family's business, thinking it's the right move for his life. Little does he know, his decision thrusts him into the world of Valentino Rose, the Mafia boss who now cont...
