Dear Diary | Proxies

ii. gloved and ungloved hands

Dear Diary,
I had a date last night along with a new hallucination.
Still weirdly real.

I had only been home for a few hours when I got a call from my manager, her soft voice apologetic as she asked me to come in for another shift. "I know you don't work third shift, but Tyler called out last minute so the only server for the night is going to be Margaret for the night, and you know how she gets about being by herself."

I let out a deep sigh as I stabbed the bowl of pasta on my lap. "Yeah, I can come in, but I'm going to drink an entire pot of coffee by the end of the night, I swear."

"You only have to be there for the first half of the shift. She's okay with being left alone after that."

I let out another sigh. "That's better, I guess. I need the money anyway."

I could practically hear the grin in her voice as she spoke the next sentence. "You're a lifesaver."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be there at nine. Goodbye."

"Bye-bye!"

I threw the phone to the other side of the couch and let out a loud groan. It was already seven, and I was really enjoying the time I had to myself. After all, being home meant I could walk around in a bra and sweats without a care, the most comfortable clothes I owned.

I grumbled and picked myself up from the couch. I wasn't even sure I had a clean uniform at the moment. I was going to do laundry before I went to bed. My makeup was wiped clean off my face, and I hadn't taken a real shower yet. I trudged onward, shutting myself in my bathroom and locking the door, a habit from having lived with siblings for years.

My shower was quick, but the warmth still felt nice on my skin, and as I stepped into my bedroom, I hooked my phone up to my speaker and pressed shuffle on my playlist. Soft music rang out, lulling me into security as I searched for a uniform that wasn't already covered in grease and waffle batter. I threw things around my room with abandon, and by the time I had found a uniform, the song was beginning to change. I caught my reflection in the mirror before my eyes landed on a lingerie set I had bought a few days ago that I had yet to try on, but the song was good, one that always made me feel pretty, so I dropped the towel and began to slide the small lace over my body, quietly singing along to the lyrics.

'Hey little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go and leave you all alone? Mmm
I got a bad desire.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire.'

The black contrasted heavily against my pale skin as I stared into the mirror, pinching the fat at my stomach. Still, even with my insecurities, I felt pretty. I smoothed my hands down my stomach to the tops of my thighs and turned slightly in the mirror, admiring how the shape of the panties made my butt look really good.

'Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do? Oh no.
I can take you higher
Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire.'

I twirled again, trying to get every angle of myself. Black lace trailing over every curve like the set was made for me. I had been hesitant to get the thing in the first place. I had never been one to buy such risqué clothing. There was no one to wear it for, and my insecurities over being overweight normally drove me away from trying to look good even if it was just for myself. I trailed my fingers over my arms, shooing off nonexistent fingers again as I smiled at myself.

'Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull'

I turned slightly at movement, ready to shoo off another paranoid thought, but my eyes caught a glimpse of something outside my open window. Another hallucination like last night? No, this one was different. Still weirdly opaque, unlike the transparency I was used to, with a mask covering where the person's face would be. White with black markings to show eyebrows and lips. I tilted my head a bit. This was new. I didn't pause my singing as I tilted my head slightly, staring at it.