Dear Diary | Proxies

xii. a carved smile

Dear Diary,
Distractions never last very long.

The days began to blur together after a while, and any time my boys weren't home, I found myself curled in my bed, trying to ignore the incessant need to scratch and scratch until I bled. Something about them kept my mind occupied, dragging me away for a few moments of bliss. My hands were tainted, but they didn't care.

They had left this morning, about a week or two after Toby and I had showered together. It had become a somewhat regular occurrence between the two of us. We would stumble into the shower half-asleep and wash each other clean. It felt like his hands were the only ones that could push the feeling of blood away.

I had tried to stay strong, tried to stay level-headed, but Brian had found me curled into myself in the corner of my room one night, sobbing at the thought of what I had done, and had held me close to him, whispering reassurances. Tim seemed uncomfortable whenever I got too emotional, not used to having to deal with this, but he was helping in the best ways he could. He made sure my fridge was stocked with food and I never had to be alone for too long. He was always somewhere around if the others weren't, a comforting hand on my shoulder or kiss to the side of my head.

Sometimes, I found myself staring longingly out the window, wondering where the other two were. Sometimes, I thought I had caught glimpses of Masky or Hoody, but I was almost always dragged away by whoever was in the house with me. I wondered what they would think of this situation. I wondered if they knew.

I gave them each bear hugs as they left, giggling as Toby clutched my back as I hugged the others, not letting me go.

"The fridge is stocked with all kinds of food. I wasn't too sure of what you wanted in specific. Toby made me grab like four family-sized bags of Doritos, so they're in the cabinet. Please make sure you take care of yourself, we shouldn't be too long," Tim spoke, rubbing the back of his neck. "You can always call Brian if something major happens, and we'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. Okay?"

I nodded, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, giving him another hug the best I could with Toby wrapped around me. "I'll be okay, I promise. You guys be careful."

Tim huffed. "Okay, now turn around." I complied and let out loud laughs as he manhandled Toby from my back, the twitching boy pressing sloppy kisses to the side of my neck and face as Tim pulled him off.

"B-Bye, J-J-June," he cried as Tim pulled him out of the door, "I lo-ove you-uuu!" He dragged out the 'you' and let out a shriek as Tim almost fell from his squirming.

That just left Brian who had hung back for a moment to let the other two talk. He strode forward and sighed quietly as he pressed his hand to my face, thumb rubbing over my cheekbone as he looked down at me. I met his gaze, giving me small smile. "You're going to be safe, right," I asked, raising one of my hands to cover the one on my face.

"Of course, doll. We always are." He was silent, and he looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't. "I-" He sighed again before shaking his head and leaning down, pushing his mouth against mine gently, holding there for a few moments before pulling back. "Call me if you need me." He pulled away fully and stepped out the door, giving me a last smile before I was left alone, standing in my hallway with an empty feeling growing in my chest.

It was a few hours later when something happened. I was standing in the kitchen cutting up carrots for a salad when something hit my back door. I furrowed my brows, staring in the direction. It wasn't a knock, no, more like when one of the small critters around the house would hit the door when eating. I wondered if the boys had put out food for them like I used to. I had forgotten recently.