Dear Diary | Proxies

xxxiii. ghosts and baths

Dear Diary,
Do you have time to ponder the mental battles of being a ghost?

My collar was missing.

I was a mess inside of the bathroom, tearing through every cabinet and drawer, moving towels and soaps in hopes that it would show up. When that proved to be fruitless, I tore through the other bathroom in case I had misremembered which one we had been in, and then, I went through Brian and Tim's room.

I felt like I couldn't breathe properly as I tore open the bedside drawer, not even having enough time to chuckle to myself at the sheer amount of lube in there. I even stuck my head under the bed, but it was nowhere to be seen. The boys were nowhere to be seen. Tim had crawled out of bed in the early hours of the morning, Brian following a few moments later. I had been half-asleep, grumbling that they were supposed to stay. Toby was gone, too, I had checked his room first thing in the morning.

"Are you looking for something?"

I turned at the childlike voice, my hand still rifling through Brian's desk, though I tried to put everything back in place. Sally was standing in the doorway to the room, her stuffed animal still held in her little fist as she stared at me with her big eyes.

I quickly turned away, wiping tears from my face so she didn't see. There was no reason to freak out a child, especially on the second meeting. I let out a shaky breath as I looked at her again, putting a fake smile on my face. "Yeah, just a necklace." It was more than that. I hadn't realized how attached I had gotten to the damned thing, but it was worn daily now, had been covered in blood and muck and cleaned time and time again. It had been from my boys, a clear indication that I was theirs, though they were just as much mine. I felt bare without it.

Sally tilted her head. "A necklace?"

I nodded, watching as she bounded off, bare feet slapping the hard flooring. I stared at the empty spot she had been in for a few moments before turning back, pushing aside paper after paper in vain. God, I thought I might explode.

I had pulled open another drawer when she came bounding back, a dull clinking of metal chiming with her steps. "Is this it?"

I snapped my head to her, letting out a gasp and cry of happiness at the collar held in her little hands. "Yes! Oh, yes!" I bounded over to her, gently pulling it from her hands before pulling to my chest, my entire body flooding with relief. "Where was it?"

Sally moved from foot to foot, staring at the ground. "I thought it was pretty! Mr. D told me to take it because it would look really nice on my giraffe! I'm sorry. I didn't know it was yours."

I visibly deflated, locking the collar back into place on my neck before ruffling her hair. "It's fine, Sally. You didn't know. Just, uhm, don't touch this one, okay?"

She nodded sadly. "Okay." Her voice was so small as she spoke.

"I have some other jewelry in my backpack if you want to look through that! Some prettier necklaces that you could have!"

She looked up, a smile crossing her face. "Really?"

"Of course! Come here." My backpack had been dropped by the door when we came upstairs, and I rifled through a few of the things before pulling out a few necklaces I never wore anymore. "You can have any of these – wait, except-" I pulled one of them out quickly, a silver chain with an axe pendant dangling. "This one's mine, but feel free to choose from the others!"

Sally gasped, looking through them all with excitement, tangling a few of them together in her excitement. "So pretty! Thank you!" She rifled through them for a few moments before deciding to keep three. One was a silver chain with a spider pendant. Then, there was a black cord one that had a few dangling stars. The last was a gold one that had a heart in the middle. "Can I have these?" She held them in front of my face, practically shaking from happiness. Once I nodded, she squealed and grabbed my hand, pulling me with surprising strength towards her room. "Come on! We can put them on my friends!"