Dear Diary | Proxies

xi. screamo music

Dear Diary,
It seems like they'll make it easier. Recovery.

The conversation from a few weeks ago replayed in my head over and over as I layed in their grasp. The sun had risen over the horizon a few minutes ago, but they hadn't been disturbed. Tim had crawled into the bed after smoking, I assumed, and I had been moved onto my back. Tim's face pressed against my stomach, his arms wrapped around my thighs while Toby curled up into one of my sides, Brian on the other. I had only slept for a few hours before I jolted awake, the only thing keeping me from literally throwing myself from the bed being their weight.

"Oh, no, sirree. I couldn't kill an animal. Humans? Maybe, but not an animal. No. No. No."

What wishful thinking. I stared at the wall, unblinking as a deep emptiness consumed me. The baby's crying rang out in my head, and I hated thinking about it, but it's all I could do as the woman rambled in the corner of my room.

"I had a baby," she cried, pressing her hands to her eyes to hide the tears, "she was everything to me. What's going to happen to her? Why did you do it? Why did you kill me? Why? What kind of monster are you?" She rocked back and forth, still in the clothes from the nights before. An oversized t-shirt with a rock band I didn't recognize across the front and gray sweatpants. Her shirt was torn, the evidence of my knife still showing through the thick slats of missing fabric. "Why didn't you kill her too, huh? Still trying to make yourself seem like a good guy?" She was scarily realistic as she slammed her bloody hands onto my wall, smearing the thick fluid on white paint.

I flinched at the sound and closed my eyes, turning my head to look at Brian instead. He had a hand gently pressed against Tim's back, the other under my back, landing somewhere underneath Toby's curled-up form. His lips were slightly parted, soft snores escaping every now and then, and his hair was a mess on top of his head. The sun shining through the barely covered windows lit his hair in bright gold, making him look almost angelic.

I wanted to run my fingers through it, but I didn't want to risk waking him. Even though he was sleeping contently, I could see the deep bags under his eyes, and I had no doubt the others had the same. I had barely caught a glimpse through my mental haze last night, but they had all looked like shit. Was it their job again?

Tim snorted loudly and adjusted his head against my stomach, seemingly trying to pull himself impossibly closer as his hold around my thighs tightened. He had looked the worst, even as he had tried to clean me up the best he could without removing my clothes. Did that mean?

I wanted to gag as I realized that I was still wearing the bloody clothes from last night – just a sports bra and sweats, but it was still too much. I stayed still, but I could stop the tears that began to fall as the woman's volume picked up as I realized what I was wearing.

"Don't even have the decency to change? What the fuck are you? You're despicable!"

Toby shifted, and his head slowly rose, tired eyes staring up at me in confusion. I looked away, but I could feel him slowly uncurling his body and pushing himself so he was at face level with me.

"June," he whispered, his voice thick with sleep. "H-hey, come on, le-et's go b-back to sle-sleep. It's sss-still early."

I turned to him, sniffling quietly as my eyes flickered between his pretty face and her bloody one. "She's too loud," I croaked out. Tim shifted again but remained asleep.

Toby turned his head in confusion before a knowing look settled on his face, and he sighed, his head snapping to the side a few times. "T-t-too loud? Do y-you want me to get y-yyy-you headph-phones?"

She let out a loud scream at the statement, one that I couldn't help but flinch at, making Tim grumble quietly, shifting again. "Don't you try to ignore me, June! Look at your fucking mistakes!"