The Show Must Go On

23

"sinb?" 

I heard a knock on my door so I stood up form bed and walk towards it. 

"the bonfire is ready. Let's go?" it's umji. 

This is our last day here in the resort, yesterday, I didn't join the activities because I am not still ready to see him after that confrontation. I told my manager that I am not feeling well dn decided to stay inside my room the whole day. 

I have no feelings for him? That's a lie. 

I still have, deep inside me. Anger is the most superior feeling I have now. He lied, he left, and still lied about what really happened. 

I nodded at umji and wear my slipper. I still silent inside the elevator. I can feel the stares from umji but I chose to ignore it. 

When the elevator opened, I saw the enhypen members got out from the elevator beside us. Sunoo's eyes mine and I forced a smile. Worry, concern. I can see it from him.

We didn't think of him that day, the strong tension between us is the only thing that mattered. 

I need truth. But I still didn't get it from him. 

I will understand. That's only thing I can do for him, but still he lied. 

He loved me? Tsk.

"Hi sinb? You okay now?" seungkwan greeted 

I nodded and forced a smile. I saw him pressed his lips to stop himself from talking because he knew I am not feeling good to talk. 

I sat on the long log where the others were seated. I'm beside umji. I didn't look at everyone who's sitting around the bonfire, instead I leaned on my knees with my chin and played with the sand. 

My hair flew with the cold breeze, but I couldn't feel the coldness since we're near the bonfire. 

I got tired of playing the sand so I looked up and regrets it afterwards. The pair of eyes were staring at me, looks waiting for me to look at him. 

I looked away immediately, I was about to stand up when a man spoke up. He's the speaker for tonight's bonfire. It's also our last night here. 

"what happened when we have bonfire?" he asked. 

I didn't answer. Is there a purpose? 

"this bonfire serves as our heat against the cold breeze. In life, we have struggles with families, with friends, with someone. We lost connection, like a candle lost its fire." 

I looked up to him. 

"You're all working under the same label, so connection is really important. To be successful, to be able to work effectively, it's important to have connection." he continued. 

"tonight, is the time to light up the heat of connection you've lost, or the connection
that still hasn't found inside you." 

All of our attention went to him. And I'm getting nervous. Why?  I regret joining here. 

"we're all here sitting around this bonfire, take time to talk to the person beside you and take turns. Greet, talk, and say what you are feeling towards that person."

I bit my lower lip because of his announcement.  Umji took my hand so I looked at her. 

She smiled."I know you're going through something right now, and I respect that you can't talk about it because you're not ready. But I hope you won't lose yourself in the process again, don't get lost and go with the flow of your emotions. Learn to forgive, maybe that's the only thing that's stopping you from moving forward "

I am ready to forgive, but I wanna know the truth. I can't move forward because I'm still haunted by our past. I need answers. 

I faced the other person beside me. It's awkward because we're not really close. He just smiled at hoped that I will feel okay soon. 

All of us are taking turns and my heart is beating so fast and loud, I hope the people I am talking won't hear it. 

He's next. 

I didn't pay attention to the personbi am talking right now. I got distracted by my fast and loud heart beat. My hands were shaking as I put them together. 

"I'm hoping that we could be close, noona." 

I smiled at him and slowly looked at the person beside him. He's not talking to someone right now, he's just looking at waiting for me to sit in front of him. 

I had no choice but to sit but I didn't look at him. The awkwardness and the silence ate our atmosphere. 

"uhhh.. I just want to say sorry-" 

I cut him off. "don't say sorry, that can't take away any pain. That couldn't change anything" 

"just... give me a chance to explain myself this time." I can hear his voice shaking, he's desperate. Desperate of my time and attention. 

I just nodded. "talk." it's almost a whisper. 

"I am ready to start a new relationship, where there's no pretending for the paparazzi and fans." he started talking. 

I inhaled a large amount of air. 

"But someone knew that we were just pretending. He has a video of us talking about it, and it shows that you wanted to stop the contract because you're in love with someone else. He manipulated it." 

I felt a sting inside my chest as I looked up to him. 

"He started giving me pictures of you and moonbin, being sweet to each other as another evidence that you're cheating on me. I wanted to protect you." 

My chest is heavy as I stared at his sparkling eyes. His tears are tempting to fall. His ears are becoming red as well as his nose. 

" I love you, but that time, I had no other choice but to push you away. I didn't want you to beg, because I love you. You don't have to beg for it, because you already have it. But our love we are feeling that time is not enough." 

His voice is shaking as he confessed. I lift my hand to cover my mouth in shocked. 

" we could lose our career if we chose to love, if I didn't break up with you, a new issue will arise, and it could stain your career, your name. From the start, before you loved me, you valued your career so much. And I couldn't bear the guilt if that happened. "

My lips parted as my breathe started to become heavy. The side of my eyes and cheeks started to get numb. 

" I'm sorry.. " he whispered so many time but I still couldn't process all of it. 

All he did was to protect me, but he sacrificed a lot, he resist a lot of pain like I did. 

"I am not saying this because I want you back, I respect what you are feeling. And what you said the other day is clear. I'm saying this for us to move forward." 

He took my hand and gripped it so tight. 

"I promised to myself that I will take you back, but if this love wasn't really for us, even though if we make it right this time. We will just get hurt again. And I don't you, us to get through it again." 

He lift my arm and intertwined his hand with mine. 

" I am now letting you go. "

His hand slipped away from mine, and felt my heart became so light , it felt empty. 

" be happy. "

My tears started to fall from my cheeks as I stared at him walking away from me. Again. 

Again, I am watching him walk away from me. He kept walking away, and I kept on letting him go. 

"be happier." i whispered, that I wish it could reach him.