GyllenHolland: Chaos Walking

Real Talk

Tom got dressed, only putting on a comfortable tee shirt, and boxers. Since Kelly was only going to be seeing him from the waist up, he felt no need to wear pants. He grabbed his laptop from the top of the closet, and set it up at the kitchen table, due to the bedroom being a mess right now. The call started, and Tom threw on a gentle smile.

"Hi, Tom! How have we been?" Kelly asked. She was dressed just as she always was, neat and professional.

His smile dropped, knowing he didn't have to put on a facade when he was talking to her. "Honestly, not so well."

"What's been going on?"

"I relapsed, about a week ago. And I've just been really depressed."

Kelly started writing something in her notebook. "Did something trigger you?"

Tom began fiddling with his hands. "Yeah. A bunch."

"Like?"

He breathed out, slouching in the kitchen chair. "Um, you know I've been off my medication for a while now, and I'm not handling it well at all. And then there's the quarantine side of it where I can't get out to do anything, making me feel like I'm losing my fucking mind." He looked at his feet. "Not to mention my boyfriend and I have been having communication issues."

"That's a lot to unpack, Tom." She took in a deep breath. "Quarantine hasn't been easy for most people. So you're not alone when feeling trapped."

"I know I'm not. But it, it feels like I am." He admitted. "My mind is in such a dark place that I have to distract myself to stop thinking about it."

"What have been your coping mechanisms so far?"

His voice quieted. "Cutting, crying, sleeping, and... sex."

She raised her eyebrow, a lot of the stuff he named off was concerning. "Why do you feel the need to do those things?"

He looked down at the floor again, not wanting to make eye contact as he answered this provoking question. "It helps take my mind off me. Sometimes I need to feel something other than sadness."

"Does your boyfriend know?"

"He figured it out, yeah." Tom shuttered. Small waves of moments flickered through his brain. Particularly, he thought about the night that Jake found him in the bathroom. He's almost developed nightmares from it.

"What caused communication problems between the two of you?"

He snapped out of his thoughts. "Well, uh, I've been having a really hard time talking to him about what's going on with me. And Jake," he sighed, "he has attachment issues."

"Is there a reason he's like this?" Kelly asked, wanting to get a clearer picture.

Tom leaned back into the chair. He stared at the ceiling, and folded his arms across his chest. "He's told me that he's afraid of getting too close to me, and that I'll leave him." He huffed. "Which I won't, I love him too much. But so many people have left him in his life that it has such a negative effect on our relationship."

"I think you guys have reached that stage in your relationship where not being able to talk to each other is relevant." She clicked her pen, and adjusted her glasses. "I do know that it happens to a lot of serious couples."

He breathed out, kind of glad that this was a normal thing. "How long should this last then? Because I hate it."

"Every couple is different, you guys are just going to have to work through it." She smiled daintily, writing in her notebook. She took another deep breath, and changed the subject. "How prone would you say you are to self harming again?"

"Depends. Why?"

"Maybe you should talk to Jake about a safety plan. Like as in no sharp objects. But only if you're comfortable with it, of course."

Tom looked at the letters on his computer's keyboard. He was internally shaking his head. That was one thing he didn't want. To be censored, and treated like a baby. He faked a smile, "I'll talk to him about it."

Kelly nodded her head, and glanced at her watch, realizing that she was late for her next appointment. "I hope you have a good rest of your week, Tom."

"As for you."

"Talk to you soon." She waved goodbye, and ended the zoom call.

Tom finally exhaled. His chest felt lighter, now that he was free. He closed his laptop screen, and went back into the bedroom to sleep off his stress. Therapy could either go one of two ways: nerve wracking as hell, or appeasing. Today was a mix between the two.

A few hours passed, and Jake finally came back from running his errands. He threw his disposable mask away in the trash can, irritated that some people truly didn't give a fuck. Going to the store was like a full blown war zone anymore. Everyone was hoarding food, and taking all of the toilet paper. It was ridiculous. He began unpacking their groceries, making a lot of noise as he did so.

Tom, who was trying to sleep, got up to figure out what all the ruckus was. He walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. "When did you get back?" He yawned.

"About five minutes ago." He looked at Tom who was swaying from side to side, obviously still tired. "I'm guessing you've been sleeping?"

Tom sleepily nodded his head, stretching his arms. Jake walked towards him, and picked him up bridal style. He planted kisses all over his face, watching as Tom's lips slowly curved into a smile.

He carried him back into the bedroom, laying him down on the bed. "Go back to sleep." He kissed him. "Sorry for waking you up." He kissed him one last time before returning to the kitchen, continuing to put away their groceries.