I did it again

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*TW cutting/suicide/  little smut warning*

*y/n view*
I woke up at 10am. I realised the bed was empty. Was i just dreaming? No it cant be im laying in a bed in Cates house. OMG. Why was Cate cuddling with me? Does she feel the same as I do? Oh no y/n shut up she has children and is 26 years older.

I decided to stand up to find Cate. I walked down the stairs to the kitchen because i could smell pancakes.

"Oh good morning sweetheart, you like to sleep long huh?"

"Normally I dont sleep that lo-" I started emberassed but cate cut me off

"Honey I am joking" she said smiling.

I tried to change the topic "so panccaes dont make you gay?" I asked knowing she said that in an interview.

"Oh shut up" she said laughing while flipping the last pancake.

We started eating. It looked very good.

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"where are the kids?"

"Oh they will stay at there aunts house for a week so I can handle everything with Andrew without them having to know everything they shoudnt feel the stress I am feeling" she said kinda sad.

"Cate you are an amazing mother its so thoughtful of you and you shouldnt feel the stress" I said looking deep into her ocean blue eyes that were now tearing up while she laid her hand on mine, that was resting on the table.

"Thank you no one ever told me that. may I ask you something y/n?"

"Of course everything" I became nervous her hand was still on mine. Why did I ike her touch so much?

"Why do you care so much about me and why are you so kind I mean personally we know each other only about 1 day?"

"Cate I- I- " I felt myself blushing . she slightly squeezed my hand as a sign that I can talk. "Cate I have known you because of movies and social media i already was like your biggest fan then and I knew that you were kind and lovely but now just in the first minutes I talked to you I realisd what a big heart you have your so amazing inspiring and when I saw you with your kids you are so caring. And I dont know if someone told you that your eyes tell a story so blue like the ocean, a light sparkle like the stars when you look at them they tell how you feel and your hair golden and you just you are the prettiest person I have ever met. Catherine Elise Blanchett you are extraordinary. Thats why I care thats why Im so kind"

Omg I couldnt believe i just said that out loud. A tear was  running down cates cheek. She stood up walked to my side because I was still sitting at the table she opened her arms for a hug so I stood up and hugged her.

"Thank you y/n" she whispered in my ear.

My eyes started to tear too because I just have realised how much I have fallen for Cate.

She let go of the hug and laid bouth her hands on my  cheeck and whiped my tears with her thumbs. She lookd me deep in the eyes, oh how much I love her eyes, but I looked down because all i wanted to do is kiss her and  I dont know if she feels the same. She lifted my head up to meet her eyes again. Her eyes where now switching from looking at my lips and looking at my eyes. She came nearer. I couldnt believe it Is  she going to kiss me?

Her lips touched mine. She kissed me with passion than pulled back looked me in the eyes for permission to go on but instead of giving her a  sign I just kissed her. And again she kissed back. I could feal the tension grow as we didnt stop kissing. Her tongue was touchng my lips waiting for entrace so I let her in and we fought for control but Cate won. We had to stop because we were out of breath. We looked in eachothers Eyes again but now her eyes were filled with lust. she took my hand and let the way to her bedroom as we arrived she closed the door and pushed me against the door, while kissing me she locked the door. Which was clearly not necessary because no one was home but it was hot. She started kissing my neck and as she kissed my sweetspot between my jawline and ear I let out a slight moan. It turned her on really badly so she pushed me onto the bed.

Everything went like a dream. This was everything I ever wanted. But of course I couldnt have it. I remembered shit the scars on my thigs. Fuck! I cant.

"Cate-" I kinda whispered while she was kissing my neck.

"hmm" she answered while still kissing my neck. But  I didnt answer so she loked at me worried.

"is everything okay y/n?"

"Im sorry but I cant" I started tearing up I didnt wanted her to see me like that so i pushed her of me and run out of the room.

"y/n WAIT PLEASE" She screamed after me.

But I didnt stop. I put on my shoes as fast as I could and as I wanted to walk out she grabbed my arm.

"Im so sorry y/n I shouldnt hav-"

"No Cate its not your fault I promise I Lo- I like you okay but I just cant not right now I will explain someday but not today im not ready" I said and went to my car. 

*Cates view*

I saw her driving away. Did she just almost said I love you? What have I done? She is 26 years younger than me. I could be her mum why am I like this? Why do I feel attracted to her? I have known her for 1 day.

I cant stop thinking about her its 4 am and she is still not reading my messages.

y/n Im so sorry.
I dont now what I have done.
please talk to me.
What happened to you did I hurt you?
Please y/n.

But nothing no answer.

Days and Days went by I just was crying and handling the things with Andrew it was now 1 week away of reading the script for the movie so I would see her then but I miss her every second.

I heard my phone buzzing it was 3 am but I couldnt sleep anyway. It was her. y/n.

Hey Im sorry for not answering. No you did not hurt me you did nothing. If you have Time meet me tomorrow ( well today) morning at my house I will explane everything im not ready yet but I miss you too much and it doesnt really help me with my problem which I will explain. so sorry for letting you wait.

I told her i will be there at 11 am.

*y/n view*
Whe I arrived home. I couldnt help it my desire was too much I went to the kitchen took a knife and went to the bathroom. I took of my trousers and started cutting.

your so stupid -cut-
she doesnt love you -cut-
your to young -cut

The blood rushing down my thigh was so comforting. When the bleeding stoped I took a shower.

Everyday I miss her and without her my desire too cut grows and grows. But tonigh it was bad very bad I thought about suicide so I had to write Cate a message. luckily she replied fast even if it as 3 am without her I wouldnt be here. Now I will see her at 11 am.

*So I know that this chapter ended kinda bad but I promise that I will make the next one better. I have a question would you like short chapters (that would mean i can update more often) or long chapters (that would mean I cant update often but when I update you have enogh to read) So wich do you prefer?

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