Just hold me || Shadow and Bone || The grishaverse

Chapter four

It was a fine day when Marie's ashes were blown free in the wind, three days later.
The funeral was short but meaningful.
Nadia was crying but not loudly. Everyone was there to commemorate the death of Marie: 'the heroine who gave her life for the sun summoner'.
The Apparat was holding the funeral and, Alina noticed some glances between him and the Darkling.
The Apparat was probably the person that scared Alina the most in Little Palace. He was always roaming about and lurking. It was also strange that someone was always there to 'save' her when he found his way to her. It was as if she was followed. And it was likely to be so.
At that moment, Aleksander had control over every aspect of her life. Although it was a little frustrating, it was fine with Alina for the time being. He didn't mean to harm her.
If anything...
Baghra was not present at the funeral and it was all frustration in Aleksander's mind.
Frustration and concern. She had started to think that there was a connection between the two of them. She probably had taught him how to control his power as well. Maybe she was something of a maternal figure...
Lately, Alina was finding the strangest emotions in the Darkling's mind. He seemed so unfazed by everything but his mind was clearly full of emotions that he hid from everyone. She didn't know if she was happy knowing he had so many emotions, making him more human, or astonished that he could hide those emotions so well.
Another sob, louder this time, distracted her from her thoughts about the Darkling; she looked at her friend.
She tried to think of anything else, anything, but her guilt got the better of her. She knew it was her fault, understood that she needed to accept it and go on, but she couldn't. Each time she looked in their eyes, it was like she saw their thoughts about her... about her uselessness.
Marie had given her life... for what? A useless girl that couldn't destroy the fold.
It's not true, and you know that.
Alexander's voice was speaking words that were all blurred in her head. Like a distant echo.
It's not your fault.
You're not useless.
You don't know what the others are thinking, don't let your imagination run wild.
Don't assume that everyone is against you.
Alina.
You are a blessing.
Alina.
Every word he said metabolised, slowly converting her swirling emotions into tears. A single tear dropped from her right cheek and she began to feel better, began to feel that a burden that made her want to vomit and cry had lifted.
A moment earlier she had been weak, a burden for everyone around the bonfire, then his voice and warmth came to her, and she was born anew.
She lifted her head and looked at him with glistening eyes free from guilt, with lighter shoulders because someone was sharing this burden, because someone wanted to share her faults and make her feel safe. They didn't break their gaze until the end of the funeral.
"Miss Starkov, I'd like to talk to you about something important," he went to her after the funeral.
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"Of course."
They went to the lake for a walk. The weather was nice.
He didn't speak about what had occurred before and got straight to his point.
"You already know what an Amplifier is, am I correct?"
"Yes."
"I've thought about it, and I think you should get one. Though your progress with summoning light are quite impressive now, your power is only starting to show and you are still too weak to bring the fold down. It takes a long time to master one's power and the king is impatient." He wasn't looking at her while saying it.
She knew it was the truth, she didn't have mastery of her power at that moment, but she felt a little embarrassed to admit it.
"Of course, I know."
"I was thinking about Morozova's Stag," he announced and then waited for her to react.
"I-Is it real?! I thought it was a myth, a fairy tale!" She had looked at the lake the whole duration of their stroll but now she completely turned to him, stopping her pace.
"I'm sure it's real. I sent trackers to find it and one swore to have located it."
After a long pause, Alina turned away from him "I've actually dreamed of it since I was a child... I didn't know it was something special when I was younger, but when I came here, there was the perfect representation of it in one of the library's books..." Alina felt her heartbeat speed, she didn't know why. It felt like everything was going into place.
What was he thinking of her dreams? Was that a normal thing? Unexpectedly she felt guilt coming from him.
"But... you already knew that, didn't you?" She finally turned to him.
"About that," his expression was unsure, "Genya told me she saw a drawing of it in your bedroom, she knew I have been looking for it for a long time and brought me the drawing." He wasn't lying to her, Genya did find the drawing and brought it to him, but only after she wrote about it in her letters to the tracker.
He found that telling half-truths didn't expose his full thoughts.
"The fact that you dreamed of it is proof that it exists and that you are destined to have it, Alina."
"It's a powerful Amplifier...The most powerful I've ever heard of..." she started to say and then suddenly frowned.
"What's on your mind?" He asked searching her eyes.
"Amplifiers can't be combined." She started "You are an amplifier... that means that when I'll have mine, you will not be able to amplify me" her sentence had the sound of a question.
"It's more complicated than that..." he answered.
This was not a common question. It was not the right time yet to tell her. He looked away from her.
She sensed his uneasiness.
"Well, maybe it's a story for another time... I promised Genya I would spend some time with her after the funeral."
After a short pause and a sigh he turned to her "Go then, I'm not holding you here, I'm going that way" he pointed behind her.
Alina nodded, her lips forming a little smile but she took a deep breath when he drew closer to her and took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. Alina's heart skipped a beat, they looked into each other's eyes for a moment and then he let it go moving past her.
He left her without another word and with her voice in his mind: thanks for before.
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He went back to the gardens in front of Little Palace and distanced himself from everyone who could approach him.
His mind was not solely his own lately whether he wanted it or not.
Alina was becoming a part of him more quickly than he had planned but it wasn't a problem.
She was perfect. Her mind still young, quick, influenceable just enough. She was greedy for knowledge, maybe for power.
And he would make it grow into something bigger. He would give her everything so she would start to want more.

Note:

I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO MUCH!

For those who ask, I don't have the results of my exams yet (that's one of the reasons I haven't posted earlier).

I will post another chapter this week so stay tuned and I hope you enjoyed this chapter, but I believe you will enjoy mostly the next one...😏

-Flora