Just hold me || Shadow and Bone || The grishaverse

Chapter twelve

One of the worse things about knowing Mal was dead, was to keep up appearances. This meant Alina had to keep sending letters to him.

She already knew that Aleksander never sent her letters, but now it was different.

This thought came to her that night when she was brushing her hair in front of the mirror and saw the stack of blank paper.

She had always written her heart in those letters, she had always thought that one day she would see him again, smack him for not responding to her and hug him after. How wrong she was...

That night, she slowly put her brush down, took a sheet of paper, some ink and began to write.

After the first line she asked herself if she wanted to write to him like he wasn't dead; like he was still alive somewhere far away; or if she wanted to write him as a message to a dead person.

Those letters could be an outlet for her rage, for her grief. Something personal that she could have started doing if she didn't know Aleksander read them all.

When he would read this one, would he incinerate it as he had done with the others?

She shook off those thoughts and started to pour herself into that letter.

Dear Mal,

I have started to make progress with my power, more now than ever before. I can't believe we have not seen each other for months, I miss you so much it's like I know I'll never see you again. Are my letters not reaching you? Are you not responding? I know I ask it in every letter but I hate the thought that the last time I saw you was a terrible memory for both of us.

I didn't think Genya would ever take your place, but I warn you, if you keep not answering me she will, I warn you! She has started to give me treats she takes from the Queen's chambers. Honestly, I didn't know one person could waste so much food!

I already told you about the General, in the last letters I didn't bring it up because I wasn't really able to explain what I felt or what was going on.

The General and I are a mess (think of this as erased) complicated.

I just don't understand how this attraction, physical and psychological, can be so strong. Sometimes I feel like being apart from him takes the breath out of my lungs. It seems to be in a fairytale, but it turns out he is not the white knight... how can I open up to him if I'm not sure I can trust him? How can he keep everything bottled up and not tell me crucial things? If we are destined to be then how can it all be so awkward?

The other day I found a little rabbit running at the border of the forest near Little Palace, it made me remember the one you saved when we had been in the orphanage for almost two years. You marked its white fur with charcoal so you could recognise it again, but the next time you saw it, it was dead.

When we buried it you said you wanted to be buried with him one day, I said I wanted to be buried with you so we started arguing about where to be buried together. I miss those quarrels. I miss you, Mal.

With love

Alina

When she finished, the paper had a dark, damp circle in the corner. She sent it anyway.

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Aleksander dreaded the moment he would have to return to his chambers. Earlier that day he had found her letter — brought by Fedyor — and had decided to read it in the evening. Now the time had come and his uneasiness was taking root in his gut.